Fantasy Golf: Vivint Houston Open Preview

Depending on when I actually publish this, I either will be spending or will have spent election night running around a lacrosse field on two partially torn hamstrings getting rocked on several occasions by "dudes" who are 10 years younger than me, 60 pounds heavier and have tattoos of guns shaped like pick-up trucks on their forearms. (I actually pulled a calf muscle just trying to warm-up so didn't even get to enjoy the experience of being trampled by a buffalo). Apparently around 1985 someone burned the memo that dictated a certain number of spots on every team were reserved for the mouthy yet slight of build sons of professionals and let all of the plumbers' kids start beating the crap out of us.  

Anyway, as we navigate what will undoubtedly be a tumultuous immediate future, let's please try to remember that the one thing we have in common is that we are all Americans (except for those readers who are not Americans . . . help us). That means that when this is over, we shouldn't waste time kidding ourselves that we are going to come together as one nation but should instead continue ripping each other to shreds on social media in support of politicians who wouldn't piss on us if we were on fire. Well except maybe Mitt Romney but he pisses white zinfandel so it wouldn't help anyway. 

If we're going to do this, let's do it right. Like the news crew rumble in Anchorman or College Park, Maryland after a win over Duke. If we're not flipping-over cars and burning mattresses by Thanksgiving, well then goddammit, I don't even know who we are anymore. 

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Someone at the Oregon Bureau of Tourism deserves a raise. 

GIMPY GOLF ANALYSIS

We've got a pretty solid field for Masters tune-up week including Dustin Johnson, Tyrrell Hatton and a  bunch of the best relatively new players out there from Scottie Scheffler to Viktor Hovland to Doc Redman. I'm pretty confident that the winner is going to come from that crew because it's time to break this recent run of Martin Laird, Sergio Garcia, Brian Gay and Stewart Cink. I mean what in the hell is this people? 2010? Because I don't hear no Ke$ha playin' and I honestly wouldn't know if I did. 

This feels like a toss-up between those three guys I mentioned earlier. Like two sentences ago. Scheffler and Redman are looking for their first wins while Hovland needs to add a second before that Puerto Rico Open curse gets into his bloodstream. I'm going with Scheffler because he played at the University of Texas and this tournament is in Texas. It's a really stupid reason but sometimes those are the best ones. Don't ask me for examples. 

One rung down on the best young player tier you'll find Talor Gooch, Denny McCarthy and the forever consternated looking Beau Hossler, all of whom have played well recently. I'm sprinkling in a little experience with Brian Harman and Brandt Snedeker to hedge against the possibility that we're just riding a crusty old guy wave. Of course Hatton is probably going to win but he's looking like my best bet at Augusta so I'm saving him at what will surely be my peril.   

For just five minutes I'd like to
feel as chill as Scottie looks.

One and Done Pick: Scottie Scheffler

Other Guy I'd Pick: Viktor Hovland

Sleeper Pick: Beau Hossler

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Tyrrell Hatton	$10,300
Viktor Hovland	$9,800
Scottie Scheffler	$9,600
Doc Redman	$8,800
Brian Harman	$8,500
Denny McCarthy	$7,900
Talor Gooch	$7,700
Brandt Snedeker	$7,300
Adam Schenk	$7,100
Beau Hossler	$6,900

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Fantasy Golf: The Bermuda Championship Preview

You're goddamn right I'm previewing this dogshit tournament and I am frankly downright excited about it. We had a minor bounce back last week by recommending Justin Thomas over FGR killer Xander Schauffele and picking Kevin Kisner (T14) as our sleeper. Sure the rest of the picks sucked but at least we didn't have a second consecutive week of underperforming the NFC East.

On the personal front, yet another hurricane is bearing down on the city where I abandoned my eldest child two months ago so, if he's reading this, good luck kid. Meanwhile everyone's favorite highly transmissible virus appears to be making a 1987 Aerosmith comeback and, as a result, I have been thrust back into the role of company buzzkill. (Like I ever stopped playing that role . . . "Oh great, another memo from that 'lawyer' guy").

Nothing quite like that Dean Wormer feeling of walking into a room and having everyone scramble to put their masks on . . . "Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule about wearing masks in the office while we're in the middle of a pandemic." And if you don't think we're living in super fucked-up times, consider that there are actually real live adult people currently relying on my sound judgment and guidance. You know that when my cockroach-like survival skills become useful to others, things have definitely gone more sideways than the last fifteen minutes of a Quentin Tarantino movie.       

TWEET OF THE WEEK

I may have posted this one before but I don't know and I don't care. It's been relevant on 75% of my Saturday mornings since March.

GOLF ANALYSIS

This will be the second running of The Bermuda Championship and last year Brendon Todd won which might make you think "huh" until you realize that he missed four out of five cuts leading up to it and only made about $250K the year before. Make no mistake. This is a total crapshoot. So here are some random facts on which I'm basing my picks:

• Will Zalatoris is really good at golf.
• Denny McCarthy finished T15 here last year.
• Kristoffer Ventura played last year and sounds like an entry-level hitman.
• Adam Schenk's name on his bag has to be a total mind-fuck for his playing partners.
• Tyler McCumber sounds like a very refreshing drink.
• Max Homa is the best thing that's happened to golf since the Medicus.
• Beau Hossler will look like a troubled 14 old for the rest of his life.

So there you have it. Science. Distrust it at your peril.

"I will quarantine your
ass smart guy!"

One and Done Pick: Denny McCarthy 

Other Guy I'd Pick: Will Zalatoris 

Sleeper Pick: Beau Hossler 

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Will Zalatoris	$10,900
Denny McCarthy	$9,500
Kristoffer Ventura	$9,100
Justin Suh	$8,700
Maverick McNealy	$8,300
Adam Schenk	$8,100
Wesley Bryan	$7,800
Tyler McCumber	$7,300
Max Homa	$7,200
Beau Hossler	$6,900

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Fantasy Golf: The ZOZO Championship Preview

The Counting Crows have a song called Raining in Baltimore and it's exactly as depressing as you'd imagine with Adam Duritz in a full on state of woe. It's pretty consistent with most Baltimore themed songs including Randy Newman's tribute that begins with "Beat up little seagull . . . on a marble stair" and Graham Parsons singing about some poor sap who inexplicably sold his farm in Tennessee to move to Charm City with his lady only to return home alone upon realizing that "she loved those bright lights more than she loved me." I'm still not sure he was talking about the right city because I've yet to discover these alluring bright lights but, when you're trying to find a rhyme for "what she's longing for," I guess you can't make the song about Hackensack.   

Suffice it to say that it's currently raining in Baltimore and I'm sitting here in my dining room, jealous of my dog's simple as he crosses-off two of the top three things on his to do list today by licking his ass and balls. Meanwhile, I'm trying to recover from what may have been one of the worst performances in Fantasy Golf Report history. I know that's saying a lot but check this shit out.

• The guy I told you to pick made a 9 on his 4th hole and rode that momentum to a tie for 59th in a tournament that only had 78 players.
• The guy I told you not to pick finished 2nd.
• Not a single player I recommended finished in the top ten and . . .  
• I said I was going to pick Talor Gooch every week until it paid off only I didn't pick him the week he finished 5th!

Wow. Even just one monkey with a typewriter would've outperformed that. But this is a new week and with it comes a renewed sense of hop . . . oh who am I kidding? At least we're only three weeks from the Masters which we're all going to watch like the stoned guy at a party tracking the last five pigs in a blanket. More on that later. 

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Just when you thought we were in for another week of nothing but the news cycle death march of pandemic gloom and election doom, Jeffrey Toobin rose to the occasion and came to the rescue. (HAHAHAHA see what I did there using words that could have multiple meanings some of which could be construed as dirty?!?!?). I had to sift through a lot of lowbrow tweets to get to this one. You're welcome. 

GOLF ANALYSIS ON THE REBOUND 

I still have Collin Morikawa available in a league that runs through the Masters and this feels like as good a time as any to use him. Between you and me, I really have no idea who I will have available after that so there's a good chance that Sandy Lyle will be my pick at Augusta. Or maybe Victor Perez. I've never picked a guy named "Victor" before and it sounds exciting. 

Justin Thomas is in one of those flirting with a win grooves and he's a bit cheaper than the other two guys in that same groove (Xander Schauffele and Jon Rahm) so he gets the nod. That's right, I'm picking against Schauffele again this week because I have learned nothing from past mistakes. This problem is not confined to my golf picks. 

With no course history to call research, the rest of the top ten is pretty much some hunches based on who appears to be on the verge of at least a top five. I'm jumping back on the Talor Gooch bandwagon or at least chasing it down the road after falling-off while trying to high five a pedestrian last week. Remember kids. Keep your hands and feet inside the bandwagon at all times. Especially when double-fisting White Claws. 

One and Done Pick: Collin Morikawa

"Etes-vous sur?"

Other Guy I'd Pick: Justin Thomas

Sleeper Pick: Kevin Kisner 

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Justin Thomas	$10,600
Collin Morikawa	$9,800
Viktor Hovland	$9,200
Matthew Fitzpatrick	$8,300
Sungjae Im	$8,000
Abraham Ancer	$7,800
Paul Casey	$7,500
Talor Gooch	$7,100
Kevin Na	$6,900
Kevin Kisner	$6,800

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Fantasy Golf: The CJ Cup Preview

Well we have some good news on the real golf game front. Last Tuesday morning I shed some of my disgust and was able to finish the round with five straight pars. Then on Friday afternoon I picked-up that momentum with ten more in my first eleven holes before getting the inevitable kick in the nuts of reality and bogeying five of the last seven. There are still no birdies and many of those pars required grinding five footers but I can honestly say I had fun even though I'm sure my outward appearance was more indicative of a Novocain free root canal. On a related note, I am officially staking my claim to the term "Resting Asshole Face" (RAF).  

When I haven't been playing mediocre to bad golf lately, I've been playing mediocre to bad lacrosse. Since I had the revelation to start again a couple of years ago, my hamstrings have taken on the roles of the two old curmudgeonly Muppets in the balcony mocking and hindering my efforts literally every step of the way. When I wouldn't listen to them, they convinced three of my ribs and a bone in my hand to break themselves as part of their negative campaign. I have to admit they've been pretty convincing. 

I, however, remain undaunted in the face of mounting criticism from friends, family and any objective measure of reason. In fact, I am more committed than ever to being carried off the field on my shield as evidenced by my decision last week to run full speed into an opposing player who was 50% bigger, faster and younger than I am. The inevitable result found me flat on the turf with one of my own teammates landing on top of me (because of course) and the type of immediate pain in my shoulder that says to men my age, "I hope you have someone who can help you put a shirt on."   

Fortunately, I dodged that bullet as I can still swing a golf club and dress myself relatively pain free but it still feels like someone is shooting me with a nail gun when I try to do other normal activities like opening a jar of peanut butter and scratching my head in befuddlement (which is how I spend a good part of my time these days). Then again, as Viggo Mortensen explained in one of the greatest movies of all-time . . . "Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? . . . It let’s you know you’re not dead yet!" (Hint: It wasn't The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers).  

TWEET OF THE WEEK

You still can't embed a Tweet on the new Blogger the way you could on the old one. I think what Google fails to understand when they change shit like this is that everything many of us know about computers we learned from standing in a 7-11 and feeding quarters into a machine that was bigger than an NFL linebacker just so we could write "FUK" on the top ten scores.

Anyway, Clay Davis is undefeated.

GOLF ANALYSIS FOR THE EASILY IMPRESSED

We have an all-star limited field this week playing a really exclusive golf course that 99.9999999% of the world will only get to see on TV so it's basically like the Masters just on a course owned by an openly skeevy guy as a opposed to a course owned by bunch of less obvious skeevy guys. The other difference is that no one will remember who won this tournament in three weeks so we're going to use that as part of the foundation for our analysis because there are some guys who definitely play better when legacy is on the line and some guys who play about the same regardless of what's at stake.

For example, Xander Schauffele clearly gets more geared-up for majors and other tournaments with a higher prestige factor like the Tour Championship and WGC events. So is he going to be super motivated to win this week? I don't think so. The same goes for Rory McIlroy and Brooks Koepka who has the added negative of just coming back from injury. At least part of those guys has to be looking ahead to mid-November. 

Who is going to bring it this week? Well the obvious picks to me are Justin Thomas, Jon Rahm, Matthew Wolff, Patrick Cantlay and Paul Casey. Nothing against any of those guys but they have top ten in the world talent with one major win between them. I can't pick them all so Rahm is out because J.T. is better value and Wolff is out based on the barely credible "hard to contend in back to back weeks" theory. 

If you're like me at this point and still competing in a 2020 one and done season, you've already picked most of the obvious guys so it's time to get creative. To that end, I am completely torn between Tommy Fleetwood and Viktor Hovland. Fleetwood is due for a PGA Tour win and this is apparently a ball striker's course. Hovland is due for a somewhat more prestigious win than his Puerto Rico Open title (no offense) and he is every bit the ball striker that Fleetwood is. Oh the dilemma. I currently have Fleetwood in there but I'm leaning towards Hovland. I'll keep you posted as this develops throughout the day.     

For the value plays I'm going with Corey Connors and Marc Leishman. Connors is a complete hunch and it's been a while since I've fallen for the fool's gold that is Leishman but, at $6,800 I can't help myself. I'm pretty sure he's let me down more than the cable company and one day I'm finally going to cut the cord. Today, however, is not that day. 

One and Done Pick: Tommy Fleetwood

If only I could pick Ted Striker,
life would be so much simpler.

Other Guy I'd Pick: Justin Thomas

Sleeper Pick: Marc Leishman

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Justin Thomas	$10,800
Patrick Cantlay	$9,800
Tommy Fleetwood	$9,100
Viktor Hovland	$9,000
Sergio Garcia	$8,400
Paul Casey	$8,000
Brendon Todd	$7,900
Billy Horschel	$7,200
Corey Connors	$6,900
Marc Leishman	$6,800

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.