Fantasy Golf: The Bermuda Championship Preview

You're goddamn right I'm previewing this dogshit tournament and I am frankly downright excited about it. We had a minor bounce back last week by recommending Justin Thomas over FGR killer Xander Schauffele and picking Kevin Kisner (T14) as our sleeper. Sure the rest of the picks sucked but at least we didn't have a second consecutive week of underperforming the NFC East.

On the personal front, yet another hurricane is bearing down on the city where I abandoned my eldest child two months ago so, if he's reading this, good luck kid. Meanwhile everyone's favorite highly transmissible virus appears to be making a 1987 Aerosmith comeback and, as a result, I have been thrust back into the role of company buzzkill. (Like I ever stopped playing that role . . . "Oh great, another memo from that 'lawyer' guy").

Nothing quite like that Dean Wormer feeling of walking into a room and having everyone scramble to put their masks on . . . "Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule about wearing masks in the office while we're in the middle of a pandemic." And if you don't think we're living in super fucked-up times, consider that there are actually real live adult people currently relying on my sound judgment and guidance. You know that when my cockroach-like survival skills become useful to others, things have definitely gone more sideways than the last fifteen minutes of a Quentin Tarantino movie.       

TWEET OF THE WEEK

I may have posted this one before but I don't know and I don't care. It's been relevant on 75% of my Saturday mornings since March.

GOLF ANALYSIS

This will be the second running of The Bermuda Championship and last year Brendon Todd won which might make you think "huh" until you realize that he missed four out of five cuts leading up to it and only made about $250K the year before. Make no mistake. This is a total crapshoot. So here are some random facts on which I'm basing my picks:

• Will Zalatoris is really good at golf.
• Denny McCarthy finished T15 here last year.
• Kristoffer Ventura played last year and sounds like an entry-level hitman.
• Adam Schenk's name on his bag has to be a total mind-fuck for his playing partners.
• Tyler McCumber sounds like a very refreshing drink.
• Max Homa is the best thing that's happened to golf since the Medicus.
• Beau Hossler will look like a troubled 14 old for the rest of his life.

So there you have it. Science. Distrust it at your peril.

"I will quarantine your
ass smart guy!"

One and Done Pick: Denny McCarthy 

Other Guy I'd Pick: Will Zalatoris 

Sleeper Pick: Beau Hossler 

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Will Zalatoris	$10,900
Denny McCarthy	$9,500
Kristoffer Ventura	$9,100
Justin Suh	$8,700
Maverick McNealy	$8,300
Adam Schenk	$8,100
Wesley Bryan	$7,800
Tyler McCumber	$7,300
Max Homa	$7,200
Beau Hossler	$6,900

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Fantasy Golf: The ZOZO Championship Preview

The Counting Crows have a song called Raining in Baltimore and it's exactly as depressing as you'd imagine with Adam Duritz in a full on state of woe. It's pretty consistent with most Baltimore themed songs including Randy Newman's tribute that begins with "Beat up little seagull . . . on a marble stair" and Graham Parsons singing about some poor sap who inexplicably sold his farm in Tennessee to move to Charm City with his lady only to return home alone upon realizing that "she loved those bright lights more than she loved me." I'm still not sure he was talking about the right city because I've yet to discover these alluring bright lights but, when you're trying to find a rhyme for "what she's longing for," I guess you can't make the song about Hackensack.   

Suffice it to say that it's currently raining in Baltimore and I'm sitting here in my dining room, jealous of my dog's simple as he crosses-off two of the top three things on his to do list today by licking his ass and balls. Meanwhile, I'm trying to recover from what may have been one of the worst performances in Fantasy Golf Report history. I know that's saying a lot but check this shit out.

• The guy I told you to pick made a 9 on his 4th hole and rode that momentum to a tie for 59th in a tournament that only had 78 players.
• The guy I told you not to pick finished 2nd.
• Not a single player I recommended finished in the top ten and . . .  
• I said I was going to pick Talor Gooch every week until it paid off only I didn't pick him the week he finished 5th!

Wow. Even just one monkey with a typewriter would've outperformed that. But this is a new week and with it comes a renewed sense of hop . . . oh who am I kidding? At least we're only three weeks from the Masters which we're all going to watch like the stoned guy at a party tracking the last five pigs in a blanket. More on that later. 

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Just when you thought we were in for another week of nothing but the news cycle death march of pandemic gloom and election doom, Jeffrey Toobin rose to the occasion and came to the rescue. (HAHAHAHA see what I did there using words that could have multiple meanings some of which could be construed as dirty?!?!?). I had to sift through a lot of lowbrow tweets to get to this one. You're welcome. 

GOLF ANALYSIS ON THE REBOUND 

I still have Collin Morikawa available in a league that runs through the Masters and this feels like as good a time as any to use him. Between you and me, I really have no idea who I will have available after that so there's a good chance that Sandy Lyle will be my pick at Augusta. Or maybe Victor Perez. I've never picked a guy named "Victor" before and it sounds exciting. 

Justin Thomas is in one of those flirting with a win grooves and he's a bit cheaper than the other two guys in that same groove (Xander Schauffele and Jon Rahm) so he gets the nod. That's right, I'm picking against Schauffele again this week because I have learned nothing from past mistakes. This problem is not confined to my golf picks. 

With no course history to call research, the rest of the top ten is pretty much some hunches based on who appears to be on the verge of at least a top five. I'm jumping back on the Talor Gooch bandwagon or at least chasing it down the road after falling-off while trying to high five a pedestrian last week. Remember kids. Keep your hands and feet inside the bandwagon at all times. Especially when double-fisting White Claws. 

One and Done Pick: Collin Morikawa

"Etes-vous sur?"

Other Guy I'd Pick: Justin Thomas

Sleeper Pick: Kevin Kisner 

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Justin Thomas	$10,600
Collin Morikawa	$9,800
Viktor Hovland	$9,200
Matthew Fitzpatrick	$8,300
Sungjae Im	$8,000
Abraham Ancer	$7,800
Paul Casey	$7,500
Talor Gooch	$7,100
Kevin Na	$6,900
Kevin Kisner	$6,800

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Fantasy Golf: The CJ Cup Preview

Well we have some good news on the real golf game front. Last Tuesday morning I shed some of my disgust and was able to finish the round with five straight pars. Then on Friday afternoon I picked-up that momentum with ten more in my first eleven holes before getting the inevitable kick in the nuts of reality and bogeying five of the last seven. There are still no birdies and many of those pars required grinding five footers but I can honestly say I had fun even though I'm sure my outward appearance was more indicative of a Novocain free root canal. On a related note, I am officially staking my claim to the term "Resting Asshole Face" (RAF).  

When I haven't been playing mediocre to bad golf lately, I've been playing mediocre to bad lacrosse. Since I had the revelation to start again a couple of years ago, my hamstrings have taken on the roles of the two old curmudgeonly Muppets in the balcony mocking and hindering my efforts literally every step of the way. When I wouldn't listen to them, they convinced three of my ribs and a bone in my hand to break themselves as part of their negative campaign. I have to admit they've been pretty convincing. 

I, however, remain undaunted in the face of mounting criticism from friends, family and any objective measure of reason. In fact, I am more committed than ever to being carried off the field on my shield as evidenced by my decision last week to run full speed into an opposing player who was 50% bigger, faster and younger than I am. The inevitable result found me flat on the turf with one of my own teammates landing on top of me (because of course) and the type of immediate pain in my shoulder that says to men my age, "I hope you have someone who can help you put a shirt on."   

Fortunately, I dodged that bullet as I can still swing a golf club and dress myself relatively pain free but it still feels like someone is shooting me with a nail gun when I try to do other normal activities like opening a jar of peanut butter and scratching my head in befuddlement (which is how I spend a good part of my time these days). Then again, as Viggo Mortensen explained in one of the greatest movies of all-time . . . "Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? . . . It let’s you know you’re not dead yet!" (Hint: It wasn't The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers).  

TWEET OF THE WEEK

You still can't embed a Tweet on the new Blogger the way you could on the old one. I think what Google fails to understand when they change shit like this is that everything many of us know about computers we learned from standing in a 7-11 and feeding quarters into a machine that was bigger than an NFL linebacker just so we could write "FUK" on the top ten scores.

Anyway, Clay Davis is undefeated.

GOLF ANALYSIS FOR THE EASILY IMPRESSED

We have an all-star limited field this week playing a really exclusive golf course that 99.9999999% of the world will only get to see on TV so it's basically like the Masters just on a course owned by an openly skeevy guy as a opposed to a course owned by bunch of less obvious skeevy guys. The other difference is that no one will remember who won this tournament in three weeks so we're going to use that as part of the foundation for our analysis because there are some guys who definitely play better when legacy is on the line and some guys who play about the same regardless of what's at stake.

For example, Xander Schauffele clearly gets more geared-up for majors and other tournaments with a higher prestige factor like the Tour Championship and WGC events. So is he going to be super motivated to win this week? I don't think so. The same goes for Rory McIlroy and Brooks Koepka who has the added negative of just coming back from injury. At least part of those guys has to be looking ahead to mid-November. 

Who is going to bring it this week? Well the obvious picks to me are Justin Thomas, Jon Rahm, Matthew Wolff, Patrick Cantlay and Paul Casey. Nothing against any of those guys but they have top ten in the world talent with one major win between them. I can't pick them all so Rahm is out because J.T. is better value and Wolff is out based on the barely credible "hard to contend in back to back weeks" theory. 

If you're like me at this point and still competing in a 2020 one and done season, you've already picked most of the obvious guys so it's time to get creative. To that end, I am completely torn between Tommy Fleetwood and Viktor Hovland. Fleetwood is due for a PGA Tour win and this is apparently a ball striker's course. Hovland is due for a somewhat more prestigious win than his Puerto Rico Open title (no offense) and he is every bit the ball striker that Fleetwood is. Oh the dilemma. I currently have Fleetwood in there but I'm leaning towards Hovland. I'll keep you posted as this develops throughout the day.     

For the value plays I'm going with Corey Connors and Marc Leishman. Connors is a complete hunch and it's been a while since I've fallen for the fool's gold that is Leishman but, at $6,800 I can't help myself. I'm pretty sure he's let me down more than the cable company and one day I'm finally going to cut the cord. Today, however, is not that day. 

One and Done Pick: Tommy Fleetwood

If only I could pick Ted Striker,
life would be so much simpler.

Other Guy I'd Pick: Justin Thomas

Sleeper Pick: Marc Leishman

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Justin Thomas	$10,800
Patrick Cantlay	$9,800
Tommy Fleetwood	$9,100
Viktor Hovland	$9,000
Sergio Garcia	$8,400
Paul Casey	$8,000
Brendon Todd	$7,900
Billy Horschel	$7,200
Corey Connors	$6,900
Marc Leishman	$6,800

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Fantasy Golf: Shriners Hospital for Children Open

Several years ago I was playing golf with a guy who had achieved notable things in the amateur game but then found himself in a bit of a rut. On about the 11th hole as he was hitting yet another disinterested shot, he dismissively muttered the classic line, "now I know what it feels like to be a 2 handicap." He might as well have followed it with an audible "pffffft."

Fast forward to the fall of 2020. I have achieved nothing notable in the game of golf but I have at least reached the point where (1) I expect to break 80 (from the white tees), (2) count on a couple birdies per round and (3) regularly wow a bunch of cargo short wearing doofs with my mystical skills in the asinine scramble format.  

Today, however, I may have found the bottom of that rut of disinterest. I think it was on about the 11th hole when I realized that an objective observer would have drawn the conclusion that I was a 12 handicap having a really bad day. The drives were missing both ways, every iron was a doomed adventure and the putter was singularly focused on the erasure of any remaining hope at the end of hole. One of the few pars was the product of what I thought was a mishit bunker shot followed by an audible groan followed by the ball landing two feet from the hole.

I'm sure this is all just a combination of the fall blues plus the coronavirus plus the fact that every somewhat competitive round I played this year ended with me throwing-up on my shoes. I mean who subjects themselves to that kind of ongoing punishment. It would be like going to the county fair and announcing "hey I'll be over at the nut kicking booth all day." (Sorry Atlanta Falcons fans). 

Anyway, this too shall pass when we get the opportunity to play even bad golf in the spring after a winter of lockdown that will make us all feel like we're living in Cormac McCarthey's The Road, an uplifting tale of a man and his son surviving in a post nuclear holocaust. NOT the best book I've ever bought at the airport on the way to spring break by the way. Then again, at least they got to travel the countryside and meet people. Sure most of them were cannibalistic marauders but still . . .      

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Google still won't let Cro-Magnon bloggers like myself embed a tweet so my war with them that they're not actually aware of continues. 

I am trying to avoid politics this close to the election which has really put a damper on my social life but this one is too true and FGR specific to pass-up. Not to mention, I think we can all agree at his point that the president is an asshole so it's just a matter of whether he's your asshole. It's pretty much how people have viewed lawyers from the dawn of time.  

GOLF ANALYSIS OF A CERTAIN VARIETY

Either COVID-19 has these guys wanting to play more or it just dawned on them that tournament in Vegas could be fun but whatever the reason, we've got a solid field this week including the young wrecking crew of DeChambeau, Wolff, Morikawa and Scheffler. As much as some of us may want to, you can't ignore Bryson's record here along with the current state of his game. And this is the type of course that Matthew Wolff should be able to light-up so we'll run with a replay of the U.S. Open showdown that wasn't. 

Maybe Harris English is my pick this week and maybe he isn't. I'm still trying to throw-off that guy in my one and done league who read my Sungjae Im misdirection play last week. Apparently I have a tell. 

That middle section of Charley Hoffman, Denny McCarthy and Cameron Champ is basically a hunch and two educated guesses while I'm going to keep plugging Talor Gooch into the sleeper role until he proves me right. And finally there is all-time FGR favorite Spencer Levin who qualified this week and calls to mind one of the most iconic photos in golf history. I'd share it here but, as I may have mentioned on a previous occasion, Google hates fun so if you want to see it, you need to find your way to my Twitter page. I apologize to the majority of my readers who are older and even less tech savvy than I am. Your loss. Ok just click here. You're welcome.

One and Done Pick: Harris English

Other Guy I'd Pick: Bryson DeChambeau

Sleeper Pick: Talor Gooch

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Bryson DeChambeau	$11,800
Harris English	$9,700
Matthew Wolff	$9,600
Cameron Smith	$7,800
Charley Hoffman	$7,800
Denny McCarthy	$7,700
Cameron Champ	$7,600
Ryan Palmer	$7,400
Talor Gooch	$6,800
Spencer Levin	$6,000

This week's Historical Performance Chart is very subjective in that it only includes the players I remotely thought about picking and that means no references to guys like Zach Johnson, Russell Henley and Will Zalatoris who frankly have almost no history at this event anyway. So they don't get to be on the Historical Performance Chart. Hey, I don't make the rules. 

                                                THE MEAN STREET

                                 HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART 

	DK Price	2020	2019	2018	2017	2016
B. DeChambeau	$11,800	T4	1st	T7	T36	DNP
Webb Simpson	$11,000	T7	T15	T20	T31	T56
Patrick Cantlay	$10,400	2nd	2nd	1st	DNP	DNP
Tony Finau (Out)	$10,200	T9	T36	T16	T41	T16
Hideki Matsuyama	$9,900	T16	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Colin Morikawa	$9,800	T42	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Harris English	$9,700	DNP	T36	MC	T4	DNP
Matthew Wolff	$9,600	T18	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Jason Day	$9,500	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Scottie Scheffler	$9,400	T74	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Sungjae Im	$9,300	DNP	T15	DNP	DNP	DNP
Paul Casey	$9,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Sergio Garcia	$9,100	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Rickie Fowler	$9,000	DNP	T4	DNP	DNP	T25
Jason Kokrak	$8,900	T63	T66	T7	74th	T38
Louis Oosthuizen	$8,800	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Abraham Ancer	$8,700	MC	T4	MC	DNP	MC
Kevin Na	$8,600	1st	MC	DNP	MC	T2
Brian Harman	$8,000	T18	DNP	DNP	T15	T56
Keegan Bradley	$8,000	70th	DNP	DNP	T7	MC
Cameron Smith	$7,800	T13	DNP	DNP	T10	MC
Charley Hoffman	$7,800	T74	DNP	T18	MC	MC
Denny McCarthy	$7,700	T9	T15	MC	DNP	DNP
Cameron Champ	$7,600	MC	T28	DNP	DNP	DNP
Aaron Wise	$7,400	MC	T15	T32	T10	DNP
Ryan Palmer	$7,400	T37	T7	DNP	DNP	T16
Brandt Snedeker	$7,300	T48	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC
Chez Reavie	$7,300	MC	DNP	DNP	T24	T67
Brendan Steele	$7,200	T29	MC	DNP	T31	MC
Emiliano Grillo	$7,200	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Stewart Cink	$7,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	T15	T56
Adam Hadwin	$7,100	T4	DNP	DNP	T27	MC
Ben An	$7,100	MC	DNP	T32	DNP	DNP
Joel Dahmen	$7,100	T9	T69	MC	DNP	DNP
Kevin Streelman	$7,000	MC	T51	67th	T61	T16
Luke List	$7,000	T13	DNP	T20	T15	DNP
Pat Perez	$7,000	3rd	DNP	DNP	T7	MC
Kyle Stanley	$6,900	T48	DNP	DNP	T7	T43
Talor Gooch	$6,800	T71	DNP	T16	DNP	DNP
Brian Stuard	$6,700	T4	MC	T57	DNP	DNP
Chesson Hadley	$6,700	T18	T7	T4	DNP	T62
Max Homa	$6,700	MC	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Russell Knox	$6,600	T48	DNP	T72	DNP	T38
Scott Piercy	$6,500	MC	T10	T32	T24	T25
Richy Werenski	$6,400	DNP	T23	T51	MC	DNP
Kevin Chappell	$6,400	DNP	DNP	T20	DNP	T62
Spencer Levin	$6,000	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	T25

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.