Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Fantasy Golf: The BMW Championship Preview

The angry man's travel diary theme continues this week as I begin writing this preview after a typically harrowing drive to some godforsaken part of Long Island, a place I visit periodically when I feel my bitterness and sarcasm beginning to wane. Right off the bat, Waze can fuck all the way off for guiding me to an exit off the New Jersey Turnpike that was closed for construction and then rerouting me to the Cross Bronx Expressway which is basically 30 minutes of Grand Theft Auto come to life but you get no weapons unless you brought your own. Which I didn't.

I finally arrived to discover I had booked a room at the only chain hotel in America that will not be serving a free breakfast tomorrow. I was reminded, however, that there is a coffee maker ("cool . . . is there also a toilet?). Oh yeah, my room has a window with a view of the hallway* and the ceiling in the bathroom is only 6 feet high so you feel like you're on the set of Being John Malkovich. (Nice recommendation Rock). At least the pool is open and there are no bodies floating in it. Yet. 
 
TWEET OF THE WEEK

My god we're just going to keep digging the pit of stupidity deeper and deeper until we run out of new bottoms aren't we?



GOLF ANALYSIS THAT CAN CURE COVID AND DEWORM A GOAT

Bad news - good news last week in my ongoing pursuit of my first one and done fantasy golf title. The bad news was that I switched my pick from Cameron Smith to Adam Scott who opened with a 67 that put him in the top ten and then shot 75 on Friday as about sixty-five players passed him on his way to missing the cut. Then Smith shot 60 on Saturday. Suffice it to say, I couldn't watch. The good news was that the only successful pick of the week was by some guy named Larry who I'm crushing by $3M so no ground was lost. I know you are all quite relieved.  

On to this week. The feeling around these parts is that the pros are going to absolutely shred Caves Valley. At least that was the feeling shared with me by some clowns I ate lunch with a few weeks ago who were all wearing matching Caves Valley shirts at a father-son tournament that was not being held at Caves Valley. "Hey I have a question . . . do you guys belong to Caves Valley?"

I've played Caves a handful of times (oh who's the douche now?) and it's a really really nice golf course set on a lovely piece of property north of the Baltimore that most people know and love from The Wire and the movie version of Tom Clancy's The Sum of All Fears where they decided to just blow the city the fuck up even though it's Denver that gets bombed in the book. Baltimore . . . the city you blow-up in a movie when you want the audience to go "eh." (Is he actually going to start writing about golf at some point?)  

This is the PGA Tour's first trip to Caves so we have no history on which to rely and you know what that means. Hunches. Let's get the easy one out of the way first. Cam Smith is the best player I have left (I think) so he's my pick over the likes of Sam Burns, Billy Horschel and Sugar Shane Lowry. As a consolation prize, however, I'm putting all of those guys in my top ten. They're welcome.

There is a lot of temptation to stay on the Jon Rahm train but it feels like Justin Thomas is due so I'm changing it up. Louis Oosthuizen should be well rested after his week off and he's arguably the second best player in the world right now. As for Scottie Scheffler, I'm just picking him from now until he wins.

The sleeper field is deep with the likes of Si Woo Kim, Mackenzie Hughes and Marc Leishman but I'm going with Branden Grace because he's the kind of guy you pick the week after he misses the cut the week following the week he finishes tied for 2nd. If that makes sense. 

One and Done Pick: Cameron Smith
There a few courses northeast
of the city where this look would
be just another face in the crowd.

Other Guy I'd Pick: Justin Thomas

Sleeper Pick: Branden Grace

DraftKings Top Ten Values


Justin Thomas

$10,600

Louis Oosthuizen

$9,600

Cameron Smith

$9,500

Scottie Scheffler

$8,900

Corey Conners

$8,600

Sam Burns

$8,300

Shane Lowry

$7,900

Billy Horschel

$7,400

Charley Hoffman

$7,000

Branden Grace

$6,800


Footnote

* I stared at that window to the hallway for a longtime before realizing that it used to be a window to the outside overlooking the pool until they just went and built an interior hallway over it. It's like how in Poltergeist . . .  "YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU LEFT THE BODIES AND YOU ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES!!!"

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Fantasy Golf: The Northern Trust Preview

I received a lot of positive feedback about my recent descriptions of flying in an airplane for the first time in a year and a half. The validation is always much appreciated and I am glad you all enjoyed it because I AM NEVER FLYING ON A FUCKING PLANE AGAIN! Seriously (not really). I think I'm still suffering PTSD as evidenced by my recurring dream that the exposed belly of the guy in the window seat keeps talking to me and reminding me that "they don't serve alcohol on this flight" before laughing maniacally and watching seventeen Instagram videos with the volume on. 

Besides, I have a new inspiration this week as I'm currently writing at 5:00 a.m. after having to rise early to drink something called "contrast" before I go get a CT scan to determine if I need to get my appendix removed. This all comes as a result of something my doctor noticed during a routine colonoscopy when I guess he got bored and decided to go spelunking through the rest of my organs. I guess he missed the "S.O.S." my liver had spelled-out with undigested peanuts. 

(Real Time Update: In addition to drinking the contrast, I then had dye injected into my body through an IV so now my innards probably look like a composite of every piece of shitty "art" that hung on my fridge from 2004 through 2013). 

TWEET OF THE WEEK

This tweet is actually a brilliant idea from a COVID management standpoint and doesn't even factor-in all of the extra space patients will have in their rooms to do activities


GOLF ANALYSIS TARTAR 

For the second week in a row my pick finished one shot out of a playoff so I guess that's something. I can build on this. Or I just peaked within reach of the summit and now there's nothing to do but fall off the mountain. I guess we're about to find out.

I don't know about the rest of you but I'm down to just one top twenty ranked player and I'm not using him here. Fortunately, we have some other viable options starting with Adam Scott who won here in 2013, finished T5 in 2019 and also beat Brooks Koepka head-to-head in their 2017 President's Cup match (also played on this course but I think that was implied). And he would've won last week if he had just walked-up and knocked the winning putt in the hole on the line that Si Woo Kim just showed him instead of doing that stupid one-eyed straddle technique that makes him look like he's trying to decide whether to buy a donkey.

Cameron Smith is another solid option. Patrick Reed won here in 2019 and Smith is kind of the cooler more likeable version of him - great short game and consistently solid putter. I hope he takes that as the compliment that it's meant to be despite the initial urge to gag. 

If you have some favorites available and one of them is named Jon Rahm, pick him and don't think twice. And I've abandoned the "Talor Gooch is going to win this year" ship for the "Scottie Scheffler is going to win this year" ship so that's my second tier pick. And hey, don't ever say I'm afraid to make the gutsy move. 

Jason Kokrak, Shane Lowry and Cameron Tringale all feel like solid options to balance-out a roll of the dice on Phil Mickelson based somewhat on the fact that he and Joel Dahmen took down Harry Higgs and Keith Mitchell in a practice round Nassau yesterday. I leave no stone unturned when searching for ways to rationalize ill-fated picks.

The sleepers are Roger Sloan and Matthew Wallace both of whom sound more likely to show-up at a James Bond audition than win a golf tournament in New Jersey. Sloan is coming off a stretch of T16-6th-T2 and Wallace recently finished T7th at the Cazoo* Open just seven shots behind the winner Nacho Elvira (the only part of that sentence I made-up was that Wallace actually finished T8th).   

One and Done Pick: Adam Scott
Hey we stumbled into a theme
this week. Do you see it?

Other Guy I'd Pick: Cameron Smith

Sleeper Pick: Matthew Wallace 

DraftKings Top Ten Values


Jon Rahm

$11,500

Scottie Scheffler

$9,300

Cameron Smith

$8,500

Adam Scott

$8,400

Jason Kokrak

$7,700

Shane Lowry

$7,500

Phil Mickelson

$7,300

Cameron Tringale

$7,300

Roger Sloan

$6,800

Matt Wallace

$6,500


                            THE GEOPOLITICAL EXPERT FRIENDS YOU 
                              DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD ON FACEBOOK
                                HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART 

There isn't actually a historical performance chart because they've only played this course twice in the last 8 years (not including the President's Cup). But I really liked the topical name I came up with and didn't want to waste it. You're welcome.

Footnote

* Cazoo is Britain's online used car company that delivers right to your door. Apparently someone raised their hand in a meeting over there and asked, "hey what if we recreated Carvana?" And then someone else added, "that will only work in England if we make the name twice as stupid."   

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Fantasy Golf: The Wyndham Championship Preview

Hey I’m back on a plane heading home two days early so that my son won’t miss the start of tryouts for a soccer season that probably won’t even happen. I’m sitting in the back of the aircraft thanks to Southwest’s decision to delay the flight 30 minutes but board as if it was on time thereby negating the effect of my A-List status. There is currently a dog barking and the large man two seats over just settled-in by lifting his shirt above his prodigious belly. So goes life in steerage. 

At least I’m not hungry as we took the “extra” time to spend $100 on a hamburger, a club sandwich and a beer which we choked-down at the San Juan Airport's only full service restaurant (at least on Concourse B) . . . fucking Margaritaville. You have to give Jimmy Buffet credit. He has maximized the profit from his marginal talent better than anyone since the guy who originally painted dogs playing poker.  

Oh hey a crazy lady just went running down the aisle, cracked her knee on an armrest and hit the floor. Hard. Now she and her male companion are in the back asking for alcohol despite it not being displayed anywhere on the laminated card which basically said, "you can have any of these five fucking things and none of them are alcohol . . . asshole." 

TWEET OF THE WEEK

This is a brilliant observation of arguably the two most iconic characters of our time. 


GOLF ANALYSIS

I’m not exactly sure how to react to last week’s outcome. I backed myself into a corner where I was forced to choose between Billy Horschel and Harris English. Somehow I managed to actually win that coin-flip only to see English implode on the back and finish 4th despite only needing to shoot +3 over the final nine holes to win. Fortunately I was spared actually witnessing the meltdown because YouTube TV is only available in the United States. Sorry Puerto Rico. Maybe come back tomorrow. 


(And sorry for the shit writing but the lady next to me is encroaching so far past the armrest that I can't reach the left side of the keyboard).

I understand, however, that English got stuck playing with the dildo in the stupid hat whose slow play led to warnings which put the leader on tilt. I knew that asshole had to have something to do with it. Anyway, the 4th place finish combined with Brooks Koepka's T54 propelled me back into first place so mission accomplished for the week and I'm now one-step closer to winning enough money to buy everyone currently reading this a low-end toaster.

(I just finally threw the penalty flag for encroachment and the tone with which armrest lady explained what happened in heated Spanish to belly guy would lead me to believe that I better haul ass up the jetway and not look back).

This week I'm picking Webb Simpson for obvious reasons (see below). This is such a slam dunk lead-pipe lock that he's sure to finish T65. If that troubles you like it does me, I'd go with Jason Kokrak or Sungjae Im. The rest of the picks are all defensible. Trust me. 

One and Done Pick: Webb Simpson 
Picking Webb is like wrapping
yourself in a very warm blanket.

Other Guy I’d Pick: Brian Harman 

Sleeper Pick: Ryan Armour

Draftkings Top Ten Values


Webb Simpson

$10,600

Jason Kokrak

$10,000

Sungjae Im

$9,600

Si Woo Kim

$9,100

Rickie Fowler

$8,600

Talor Gooch

$7,700

Harold Varner, III

$7,500

Rory Sabbatini

$7,300

Ryan Armour

$7,000

Denny McCarthy

$6,400


See below for the justification of my Armour and McCarthy picks. If you need more than that, I can't help you. Because I'm very tired.

                                   THE CHEESEBURGER IN PARA . . . 
                                    OH GO FUCK YOURSELF JIMMY                                     
                               HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

 

DK Price

2020

2019

2018

2017

2016

Hideki Matsuyama

$11,000

DNP

MC

T11

DNP

T3

Louis Oosthuizen

$10,700

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Webb Simpson

$10,600

T3

2nd

T2

3rd

T72

Will Zalatoris

$10,300

DNP

DNP

MC

DNP

DNP

Jason Kokrak

$10,000

T15

T6

T57

T16

MC

Brian Harman

$9,900

T27

T6

DNP

DNP

MC

Tommy Fleetwood

$9,700

T59

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Sungjae Im

$9,600

T9

T6

DNP

DNP

DNP

Russell Henley

$9,400

T9

T31

MC

DNP

T46

Matthew Wolff

$9,300

DNP

T19

DNP

DNP

DNP

Adam Scott

$9,200

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Si Woo Kim

$9,100

T3

5th

MC

DNP

1st

Bubba Watson

$9,000

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Robert Macintyre

$8,900

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Kevin Na

$8,800

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

T10

Gary Woodland

$8,700

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Rickie Fowler

$8,600

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

T22

Seamus Power

$8,500

T27

T60

DNP

T83

DNP

Kevin Kisner

$8,400

T3

DNP

DNP

T42

T10

Kevin Streelman

$8,300

DNP

MC

DNP

T72

DNP

Sebastian Munoz

$8,200

T74

T48

DNP

MC

DNP

Charl Schwartzel

$8,100

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Erik Van Rooyen

$8,000

DNP

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

Justin Rose

$8,000

MC

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

Brandt Snedeker

$7,900

T42

T39

1st

DNP

T3

Mito Pereira

$7,900

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

J.T. Poston

$7,800

MC

1st

MC

T50

DNP

Jhonattan Vegas

$7,800

MC

DNP

MC

DNP

DNP

Lucas Glover

$7,700

MC

T72

DNP

T28

T22

Talor Gooch

$7,700

T25

MC

MC

DNP

DNP

Hank Lebioda

$7,600

T42

T78

DNP

DNP

DNP

Mackenzie Hughes

$7,600

DNP

T22

T66

DNP

DNP

Patton Kizzire

$7,600

T51

T13

DNP

T24

T53

Harold Varner, III

$7,500

T7

T60

T53

T10

MC

Ryan Moore

$7,500

MC

DNP

T6

T24

T53

Zach Johnson

$7,500

T7

T53

DNP

DNP

DNP

Branden Grace

$7,400

MC

T48

DNP

DNP

DNP

C.T. Pan

$7,400

T69

DNP

T2

63rd

DNP

Chez Reavie

$7,400

MC

T48

DNP

T37

MC

Lanto Griffin

$7,400

DNP

DNP

T57

DNP

DNP

Doug Ghim

$7,300

MC

DNP

T20

DNP

DNP

Patrick Rodgers

$7,300

T66

T81

T24

DNP

DNP

Rory Sabbatini

$7,300

MC

T6

T57

T4

DNP

Brandon Hagy

$7,200

MC

DNP

DNP

MC

DNP

Chris Kirk

$7,200

T51

DNP

T11

DNP

T46

Dylan Frittelli

$7,200

T20

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

Joel Dahmen

$7,200

DNP

T53

DNP

T42

DNP

Matt Jones

$7,200

T37

MC

MC

MC

MC

Brendon Todd

$7,100

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

MC

Luke List

$7,100

T66

MC

DNP

DNP

MC

Sepp Straka

$7,100

MC

T39

DNP

DNP

DNP

Aaron Wise

$7,000

MC

T48

DNP

DNP

DNP

Doc Redman

$7,000

T3

MC

MC

DNP

DNP

Ryan Armour

$7,000

T25

T25

T8

T4

DNP

Scott Piercy

$7,000

T69

T36

T45

DNP

T63

Adam Hadwin

$6,900

DNP

MC

DNP

DNP

T33

Jim Herman

$6,900

1st

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Adam Long

$6,800

T31

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

Byeong Hun An

$6,800

DNP

3rd

DNP

MC

DNP

Francesco Molinari

$6,800

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Matt Kuchar

$6,800

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Jason Dufner

$6,700

T31

MC

T66

T14

T22

Denny McCarthy

$6,400

T9

T22

T36

DNP

DNP


Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com