Thursday, December 23, 2021

Holy Communion with an Omicron Chaser

If you're the kind of person who gets mad when people make fun of religion or you have strong opinions about the coronavirus being a hoax, you may want to stop reading here. Unless of course you are also the modern phenomena type of person who reads things that you know will piss you off just because that's your preferred state of mind. Either way, you've been warned. 

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a religious man. Spiritual? Yes. Religious? No. However, in the interest of going along and getting along (I do try sometimes), I have somewhat willingly spent my fair share of time in places of worship. And not just hungover in a tuxedo with the bourbon sweats silently praying that the vows aren't loquacious and the organist is an up-tempo guy. 

I've weathered at least all of the basics . . . baptisms, bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, first communions, funerals, etc. Shoot, I was even president of a church preschool board for three years (I wouldn't recommend it). Over the past 20 years, I've danced with the Episcopalians and even the kooky Unitarians before settling into a very infrequent pattern of attendance at the local "progressive" Catholic church which is what has led us to today's topic. 

As you may have heard, there's been of a bug going around this season and by "bug" I mean a deadly virus and by "this season" I mean as long as most of us can remember. Today the Baltimore Sun ran the following headline: “hospitals prepare for more COVID-19 cases as omicron threatens to overrun Maryland.” So hospitals are filling-up and some guy having an eggnog induced heart attack tomorrow will suffer a needless death while waiting in the emergency room but, more importantly, playoff fantasy football rosters are in complete disarray. The situation is rapidly spiraling out of control. Again.  

"I'm smart. Not like everyone
says. Like dumb. I'm smart.
And I want respect!"*
Which makes the email I received from the Catholic church this week eminently more in need of mocking and ridicule (see what I did there?). What follows is an unedited version of their top ten reasons to attend mass in person this Christmas Eve. To this I have added approximately 100 words purely for the sake of enhancing their message. I was tempted to include the original email in a footnote but you're smart. You'll figure-out where the witty upstart church media guy ends and the FGR begins.

By the way, I tried every combination of COVID-19 related words with "communion" to come up with the title of this post and the best I could come up with was "Holy Comunavirus-19." Clearly the FGR's editorial staff continues to be hit hard by the labor shortage.   
 
THE TOP TEN REASONS TO ATTEND CHRISTMAS EVE MASS IN PERSON
(I swear I didn't mess with the title)
 
10. It will be fun and festive to get dressed up and see everyone after missing Christmas Eve last year. The experience of coming together, praying together, singing together and infecting MeeMaw and PeePop with a potentially deadly virus will be good for the soul.

9. You can save as many seats as you would like in any of our video venues for friends and family (any venue except the main floor of the Sanctuary which we expect will be packed to achieve maximum super spreader effect).

8. The Pavilion will offer family-friendly seating for families who choose to keep their little children with them. There will be a play area adjacent to the seating where kids can move around and freely transmit the virus through the seasonal sharing of mucus and drool.

7. The Vision CafĂ©, with a huge LED screen, will require masks, offering a more comfortable environment for those concerned about crowds. Please don't refer to them as freaks. Unless you're in the Sanctuary where anything goes but remember, what happens in the Sanctuary . . .  

6. In the Theatre, we’ll be inaugurating amazing new technology including 3 LED screens, creating an incomparable experience. This will be the first time our newly renovated Theatre will be open to the public because nothing says "happy birthday Jesus"** like three new flat screens. Also, Father Tim (fictitious priest name) has a dozen NFL/NBA cross parlays going on Saturday so we need to road test the system on the flock.

5. Each venue will be beautifully decorated, staffed with host ministers and a venue MC, helping to create engaging and welcoming environments for all viral mutations. Come one come all!

4. There will be live music and entertainment in each video venue as part of our “Prelude” to Christmas Mass. Our musicians also do funerals. Just sayin’.

3. The All-Stars program will be available for little kids (6 weeks to 6 years) and Jingle Jam (Children’s Liturgy of the Word) for school-age kids will take place live on our campus. Your children and grandchildren will absolutely love it! Even if it may be the reason they never see you again.

2. Let’s face it, the State Fairgrounds “Cow Palace” was a video venue and mad cow disease is so yesterday’s news.

1. The number one reason to join us for Christmas Eve is the most obvious one: Holy Communion. You can attend Mass and receive Communion this Christmas. Duh.   

Footnote

* I feel you Fredo. Respect is hard to come by these days. Let's discuss when you and Al get back from fishing.     

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com

Saturday, December 11, 2021

The FGR's Week 14 NFL Picks

I went 2-3 last week so this is when I remind you that getting football betting advice from a website called the Fantasy Golf Report is like buying donuts from a butcher. Sure he may have a hidden talent for making a Boston Cream, but you're way more likely to get a French Cruller that tastes like a pigs knuckle. Anyway, there was no golf worth writing about this week so here goes nothing part 2.

Cowboys by 4 over the WFT: The Pick - WFT

I mean this fucking
guy. Amarite?!?
My disdain for the WFT is longstanding and well-documented, however, I must admit I'm finding this version of the burgundy and gold tolerable. I would almost go so far as to say "likeable" but then I remember who owns this Bada Bing disguised as a football team and "likeable" just becomes a bridge too far.* With all of that being said, the Cowboys are overrated (as usual), the WFT is underrated and this game is in Landover at the biggest stadium $250M could buy in 1997.** At least 51% of the crowd should be cheering for the home team (maybe) so we'll give them the nod.
 
Broncos by 10 over the Lions: The Pick - Lions

Here's a fun fact. Over the last four games during which the Lions are a more than respectable (by their own historical standards) 1-2-1, they've only been outscored 72-69. Dan Campbell is a nut and clearly has no idea what he's doing but his team loves to play for him so give me the 10 points versus a Broncos team that is only .500 because they got to open the season with three games against the trifecta of futility that is the Giants, Jets and Jaguars. And yes this means that the Teddy Bridgewater against the spread strategy I touted last week is now dead to me.  

Chiefs by 10 over the Raiders: The Pick - Raiders 

Speaking of which, last week I picked the Broncos to cover 9.5 against the Chiefs in part because you generally don't want to give that many points in a divisional game. Of course the Chiefs won by 11. This pick is based solely on the fact that I don't think the Chiefs will cover double digits twice in a row against divisional opponents. This is the closest thing I have to a "process." Not to mention, the Raiders along with the WFT are probably the two least worst 6-6 teams in the league which is saying something. I guess.  

Cardinals by 2.5 over the Rams: The Pick - Cardinals

The Rams beat the Bucs in week 3 but they haven't had a win over a potential playoff team since (lost three in a row to the Titans, 49ers and Packers). Meanwhile, the Cardinals have emerged as the best team in the league despite Kyler Murray and DeAndre Hopkins each missing three games and A.J. Green costing them the Packers game by running a route that could best be described as unfinished.   

Browns by 2.5 over the Ravens: The Pick - Ravens

My friend from Long Island who knows things says the Ravens will win because they're the tougher team. That's good enough for me.

Last week: 2-3.

Footnotes

Hollywood circa 1977 . . . "Do you think we
should maybe put one woman on the poster?"
* This is where I'm forced to point out that any discussion of which movie has the greatest cast of all-time should be declared over when A Bridge Too Far enters the mix. I mean look at this damn poster. That's like thirty-five Oscar nominations and it doesn't even include a young Ben Cross . . . or John Ratzenberger (I've included the link to his IMDB profile in case you don't recognize this acting icon by name and without the uniform that would ultimately make him famous . . . ok he's Cliff Clavin).
 
** I like to think that I'm pretty good with words but I can't come-up with a way to adequately express what a dump FedEx Field is and the utter sub-mediocrity of the game experience it provides. They basically decided to build an 80,000 seat stadium on a 50,000 seat stadium budget . . . "well, I guess we could model the concourses after cattle chutes and not build any roads in and out of the parking lot . . . that should save a few bucks."     

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com

Saturday, December 4, 2021

The FGR's Week 13 NFL Picks

During the Ravens-Bears game a couple weeks ago, the announcer dropped this random little factual nugget, "if the Ravens go on to win this game, it will be their 13th in a row over NFC opponents." It turns-out that the Ravens haven't lost to an NFC team since October 28, 2018 when the Panthers got them 36-21. They have been Nolan Ryan to the NFC's Robin Ventura over the last four years going 13-2. I assume I would have known all of this if I could tolerate the cheese grater to the inner ear that is Baltimore local sports talk radio but I can't so I apologize if this is common knowledge among the caw caw purple camo crowd. 

Anyway, it got me thinking about a couple things (yes two at the same time): 

"I love the smell of analog
electronics in the morning."
(1) The Ravens success against the NFC kind of undercuts my weekly rant about how the likes of the Bears, Giants and Falcons are always getting their ass kicked by the Steelers and Browns and that's more or less true as they are 9-5-1 and 8-7 respectively against the other conference respectively (the Bengals are 4-11-1). However, the Ravens' 13-2 record against the NFC is the kind of "yeah but" fact that tends to blow your argument right out of the water like, "hey you know the Samsung S7 Edge had a really nice camera . . . yeah but . . ."

and

(2) I really miss writing about football. So as we ease our way back into a routine for the real start of golf season, let's pick a few random NFL games.

Dolphins by 6 over the Giants: The Pick - Dolphins 

Miami is THAT team this year. The one that lost six games in a row but has now won four in a row and will probably make the playoffs. Tua continues to improve (completing over 70% of his passes) and the defense has only allowed 46 points over the lasts four games. Sure it was against the Texans, Ravens, Jets and Panthers but I don't make the schedule. Also, the Giants are one of those teams hiding a deep stink under the cologne of wins over the likes of other sneaky stinky teams like the Raiders, Panthers and Saints. Take the Fins, give the points.

Chiefs by 9.5 over the Broncos: The Pick - Broncos 

As I am sure we are all aware, Broncos quarterback Teddy Bridgewater has a career record of 41-18-1 (68.3%) against the spread. To put that in some kind of perspective, Tom Brady is 206-144-8 (57.5%) and Aaron Rodgers is 127-88-6 (57.4%). Of course the reason for that is that Bridgewater is perennially underrated because he doesn't do anything particularly well except keep his team close. But you know what? If Gunnery Sargent Hartman was coaching the Broncos he'd say "Teddy Bridgewater doesn't throw very hard and he can't really run anymore but he's got guts and guts is enough!"  

49ers by 3 over the Seahawks: The Pick - 49ers

As the Rams slowly implode under the inevitability of Matthew Stafford being Matthew Stafford, the 49ers are emerging by default as the NFC dark horse. Obviously that depends on the precarious health of Jimmy Garoppolo but at least he's starting this week. As of now. I think. Meanwhile, the Seahawks are in freefall and would be in the midst of a two month losing streak if they didn't get Jacksonville in the middle of it. Yes Russell Wilson missed some games but he's been back for the last three and they've scored a total of 28 points. That's not very good.    

Ravens by 4.5 over the Steelers: The Pick - Steelers

Look I have full faith that the Ravens are going to pull this thing out in some bullshit fashion but it's going to take a Justin Tucker field goal to do it. Not to mention, you can't give 4.5 points to a home team in an AFC North match-up. Especially this season and double especially after said home team just got a Yellowstone horse thief trailer ride from another divisional opponent. (The Steelers were the thieves, the Bengals were the trailer and if you don't get the reference, we might run out of things to talk about rather quickly). 

Bonus Pick! Georgia - Alabama Over/Under 49.5: Take the Under

The line on this game is 6.5 and, if not for Georgia's historically epic ability to never win the games that really matter, they would be a virtual lock. But this is all about the mismatch of Nick Saban v. Kirby Smart and the certainty that the Bulldogs' offense is going to play tight because they always do. Combine that with their vicious defense and we're looking at a final score in the vicinity of 21-17. Probably in favor of the Crimson Tide. Sorry Oklahoma State. No soup for you. 

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Fantasy Golf: The Hero World Challenge Preview

We've got a limited field event this week which seems like a good time to dip my toe back in the water because I frankly don't have much to say. I haven't done much since we last interacted about three months ago other than work, watch Better Call Saul and almost get my ass kicked on Bourbon Street after which my son's college friends seemed hell bent on living-out the "hey I know, let's hide behind the chainsaws!" scene by escaping down a dark side street. Fortunately, I was able to convince them that the two police officers on horseback presented a more secure environment. 

But really that's about it. The wave of excitement I felt when my new socks arrived yesterday is clearly a sign that I need to get back out there. In the world. With people. Eh. Maybe next week.     

TWEET OF THE WEEK

A bit of a Masters preview if you will.


CURSORY GOLF ANALYSIS 

Defending champion Henrik Stenson has the ironic dual distinction of being both the only former winner (on this course) and the worst player in the field. We're going to pass on him but we have carefully selected for you six golfers who we can say with the utmost confidence will finish in the top 20. 

This is a grainy picture of one hole
on the course they'll be playing.
One and Done Pick: Viktor Hovland

Other Guy I'd Pick: Scottie Scheffler 

Sleeper Pick: Justin Rose

DraftKings Top Six Values

Justin Thomas

$10,200

Viktor Hovland

$9,900

Xander Schauffele

$8,700

Scottie Scheffler

$7,800

Daniel Berger

$7,200

Justin Rose

$6,100


Obviously the people who set the DraftKings prices don't place as much value in the historical performance chart as I do because just look at Justin Rose's recent success. It's impossible to ignore. Look at it!!! 

Anyway, the rest of the chart is kind of useless because 9 of the 20 players are just a string of DNP's and none of the pre-Stenson winners are even playing. Maybe Tony Finau's runner-up finish in 2018 will entice you. If you're into that kind of thing.  

                    THE BETH DUTTON INTERMITTENT FASTING DIET
                               HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

 

DK Price

2019

2018

2017

2016

2015

Rory McIlroy

$10,800

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Collin Morikawa

$10,600

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Justin Thomas

$10,200

T5

T12

11th

DNP

DNP

Viktor Hovland

$9,900

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

B. DeChambeau

$9,300

15th

T12

DNP

DNP

DNP

Xander Schauffele

$8,700

T10

T8

DNP

DNP

DNP

Jordan Spieth

$8,300

16th

DNP

T3

T6

4th

Scottie Scheffler

$7,800

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Sam Burns

$7,500

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Abraham Ancer

$7,300

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Daniel Berger

$7,200

DNP

DNP

T14

DNP

DNP

Tony Finau

$7,000

T10

2nd

DNP

DNP

DNP

Brooks Koepka

$6,800

DNP

DNP

18th

T13

7th

Webb Simpson

$6,700

T10

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Matthew Fitzpatrick

$6,600

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Tyrell Hatton

$6,500

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Patrick Reed

$6,400

3rd

11th

T5

10th

2nd

Harris English

$6,200

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Justin Rose

$6,100

T5

3rd

T5

W/D

13th

Henrik Stenson

$6,000

1st

4th

17th

2nd

DNP


Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com