Wednesday, May 3, 2023

Fantasy Golf: The Wells Fargo Championship Preview

Soccer story time friends because kids sports are, if nothing else, the content gift that keeps on giving. This tale takes place on the outskirts of Allentown, Pennsylvania where my 15 year old daughter's team was taking-on the best that Billy Joel's most depressing song had to offer and right from the outset you could feel how the restlessness had been handed down. 

The contest was less of a match and more of a loosely supervised brawl. After eighty minutes that would have made Bill Laimbeer and Tie Domi say "these refs really need to get this under control," the good guys (girls) from Baltimore emerged with a 2-0 win. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the mother of an opposing player who bore a slight resemblance to the young banjo prodigy from Deliverance decided to accost the mom of one of our players for some perceived slight. Not quite sure how she thought that was going to workout but I can tell you from experience that soccer moms from Baltimore are not known for their timidity so it went about as you would expect.

The chef's kiss did not, however, come until we were walking to the parking lot and my daughter was recounting some of the on field trash talk which included her being called a "fucking ghetto pig rat." After I finally stopped laughing at the fact that a 15 year old actually came-up with that line much less dropped it on someone during a soccer game, I couldn't help but think what the rest of that girl's day would be like driving past the dozen or so churches within a few miles of the field while her mom lamented the death of family values in America and her dad fantasized about shooting Bud Light cans with an AR-15. You know, maybe our simple life in the ghetto isn't so bad after all.     

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Frankly I don't even understand this tweet and I'm a lawyer who once billed like half that many hours in a year while actually working about half of half that many (just kidding bar association 😉) but my question is how is this not one of the five most famous videos on the internet? 


GOLF ANALYSIS

The obvious pick last week was Tony Finau. I knew it. You knew it. We all knew it. And yet I picked Ben Martin only to watch him start 68-66 and predictably finish 73-71 as Finau cruised to a three shot win. The obvious pick this week is Rory McIroy so if you think that's going to happen two weeks in a row, then how nice to be you living in your little bubble of conviction. 

Not me. I'm going rogue again and I'M GOING TO KEEP GOING ROGUE UNTIL I GET ONE RIGHT (or until I pick Scottie Scheffler to win the PGA Championship in a couple weeks). Keith Mitchell has been in a bit of a slump but he's coming-off a break where he had an opportunity to sharpen his game and acquire some new silky crewnecks before returning to a course where he absolutely thrives. I'm giving him a narrow nod over feel good story Jason Day and rejoiceful story Rickie Fowler. You can't go wrong with any of them.

The rest of the top ten is based on past performance because Quail Hollow is just one of those courses. If I had to pick two new players to enter the equation, they would be Cameron Young and Sahith Theegala who are both overdue for a win. Maybe I just like them because we have that in common.  

One and Done Pick: Keith Mitchell
Find me a better current nickname
than "Cashmere Keith." I'll wait.

Other Guy I'd Pick: Jason Day

Sleeper Pick: Luke List 

DraftKings Top Ten Values


Rory McIlroy

$11,100

Viktor Hovland

$9,200

Jason Day

$9,000

Rickie Fowler

$8,800

Cameron Young

$8,700

Max Homa

$8,400

Brian Harman

$8,000

Keith Mitchell

$7,800

Joel Dahmen

$7,300

Luke List

$6,900


We lost another music icon this week. Even if you don't like to occasionally get soused on white wine and tearfully sing along to soft rock anthems  (hypothetically), you've probably found yourself belting out the chorus to Sundown or butchering the lyrics of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.  

                                  THE GORDON FUCKING LIGHTFOOT MEMORIAL
                                          HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

It's an odd chart because they didn't play at Quail Hollow last year and the tournament was cancelled in 2020 due to some virus outbreak that for some reason made me start buying Pop Tarts in bulk. Also, the LIV Tour took a bite because Phil Mickelson used to rack-up top fives here like they were bad beats at the blackjack table (heyoooooo). Anyway, here is everything worth knowing which ain't a whole lot.

 

DK Price

2021

2019

2018

2017

2016

Rory McIlroy

$11,100

1st

T8

T16

DNP

T4

Xander Schauffele

$10,700

T14

DNP

T2

T24

DNP

Patrick Cantlay

$10,500

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Tony Finau

$10,200

MC

T60

T21

DNP

T28

Collin Morikawa

$9,800

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Jordan Spieth

$9,600

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Matt Fitzpatrick

$9,300

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Viktor Hovland

$9,200

T3

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Sungjae Im

$9,100

MC

T31

DNP

DNP

DNP

Jason Day

$9,000

MC

T24

1st

DNP

DNP

Justin Thomas

$8,900

T26

DNP

T21

DNP

MC

Rickie Fowler

$8,800

MC

T4

T21

DNP

T4

Cameron Young

$8,700

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Sam Burns

$8,600

DNP

DNP

T55

DNP

DNP

Tyrrell Hatton

$8,500

DNP

DNP

T42

DNP

DNP

Max Homa

$8,400

MC

1st

DNP

MC

DNP

Tom Kim

$8,400

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Sahith Theegala

$8,200

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Shane Lowry

$8,100

T65

DNP

T34

T24

MC

Brian Harman

$8,000

T18

T24

74th

1st

T35

Tommy Fleetwood

$8,000

T14

DNP

MC

DNP

DNP

Corey Conners

$7,900

T43

DNP

T42

DNP

DNP

Matt Kuchar

$7,900

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Keith Mitchell

$7,800

T3

T8

T34

DNP

DNP

Wyndham Clark

$7,800

T43

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

Keegan Bradley

$7,700

T18

MC

T76

DNP

DNP

Si Woo Kim

$7,700

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

MC

Gary Woodland

$7,600

5th

W/D

MC

DNP

T24

Taylor Montgomery

$7,600

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Taylor Moore

$7,600

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Cam Davis

$7,500

T26

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

Chris Kirk

$7,500

DNP

DNP

DNP

T71

DNP

Davis Riley

$7,500

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Patrick Rodgers

$7,500

T37

DNP

T34

MC

MC

Adam Hadwin

$7,400

MC

T38

T16

DNP

T61

Denny McCarthy

$7,400

MC

DNP

MC

DNP

DNP

Emiliano Grillo

$7,400

T14

DNP

T9

T42

T61

Hayden Buckley

$7,400

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Adam Scott

$7,300

DNP

DNP

T76

T36

T17

Alex Noren

$7,300

DNP

DNP

MC

T31

DNP

J.J. Spaun

$7,300

T18

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Joel Dahmen

$7,300

T18

2nd

T16

MC

DNP

Stephen Jaeger

$7,300

DNP

MC

MC

DNP

DNP

Beau Hossler

$7,200

77th

73rd

T34

DNP

DNP

Brendon Todd

$7,200

DNP

T18

DNP

MC

MC

K.H. Lee

$7,200

T58

T60

DNP

DNP

DNP

Kurt Kitayama

$7,200

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Sam Ryder

$7,200

MC

DNP

MC

DNP

DNP

Webb Simpson

$7,200

DNP

T18

T21

MC

MC

Ben Martin

$7,100

T11

DNP

MC

T18

MC

Byeong Hun An

$7,100

MC

W/D

T63

T8

MC

Harris English

$7,100

T43

T54

DNP

MC

T17

J.T. Poston

$7,100

T26

MC

DNP

T24

DNP

Justin Suh

$7,100

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Nick Hardy

$7,100

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Seamus Power

$7,100

T54

T13

T27

T49

DNP

Akshay Bhatia

$7,000

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Andrew Putnam

$7,000

T43

DNP

T82

DNP

DNP

Ben Griffin

$7,000

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Matt Wallace

$7,000

T6

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Taylor Pendrith

$7,000

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Aaron Rai

$6,900

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

DNP

Adam Svensson

$6,900

DNP

MC

DNP

DNP

DNP

Luke List

$6,900

T6

T65

T9

T42

MC

Francesco Molinari

$6,800

MC

DNP

T16

T24

T17

Lucas Glover

$6,700

MC

T31

MC

T52

8th

Lanto Griffin

$6,700

T26

DNP

MC

DNP

DNP


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