Fantasy Golf: The Mexico Open Preview

I blamed last week's subpar golf analysis on a four day trip to New Orleans that required a recovery period of equal duration. This week's scapegoat is a twenty-four hour sprint to South Carolina where I: (a) rented a car from a drunk lady with a tattoo on her upper left boob who announced to everyone at the rental car counter that she is exactly three days younger than me despite looking like she may have witnessed the discovery of fire, (b) shot a very loud rifle aimlessly into the woods, (c) recklessly drove an all terrain vehicle in the dark, and (d) stayed-up until nearly dawn discussing the meaning of life or lack thereof.

After a few hours of fitful rest on a leather couch because the guy in the bed next to the one that was supposed to be mine snored louder than gravel in a Nutribullet, I gathered myself and: (a) brushed twenty-one hours of hard living off my teeth, (b) pounded two cups of coffee like I was drinking from the Holy Grail, (c) flummoxed the staff at a southern airport Dunkin' Donuts by ordering a smoothie ("anyone know how to make this mutherfucker a damn smoothie?"), and (d) subjected everyone on the plane to a cologne scent that could best be described as Eau de Nick Nolte's Mugshot. 

Finally, upon my arrival in Baltimore, I: (a) showered for so long that you would've thought I just dropped the winning pass in the Super Bowl, (b) burned a frozen pizza, (c) ate three slices of said pizza, and (d) watched seven hours of sports through one barely cracked eyelid. It was a good run.

TWEET OF THE WEEK

If you know this movie (and you absolutely need to know this movie if you don't already), then you know this picture is from the scene that made me, you and Jack Burton all think "holy shit what have I gotten myself into here?!?!" The butt between John Carpenter's fingers is just the icing on top.

JOHN CARPENTER directing a fight scene from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986). pic.twitter.com/NUCoSJplYI

— All The Right Movies (@ATRightMovies) April 18, 2023

GOLF ANALYSIS

Last week was a bit of a Golden Corral buffet as four of our top ten picks finished T11 or higher (chocolate fountain!) while the other six just said fuck it and skipped the weekend (the seafood). Ahhh gambling. It's like your friend from high school who you didn't figure-out was a sociopath until one night too late. 

Cue the Mexico Open which features a field of Jon Rahm, Tony Finau and about 150 other guys that even half the people reading this godforsaken golf blog probably haven't even heard of (yes Gary Woodland we see you over there in your ridiculous Wilson hat). If this field was any weaker, it would be season 3 of Ted Lasso. Yeah that's right. I said it.

Last year was the inaugural for this event and it couldn't have gone any chalkier with Rahm winning and Finau finishing tied with two others for 2nd. Could that happen again this year? Sure. The Masters champ is back to defend his title after a week of rest and he's not the type to dog it as evidenced by his T15 at the RBC Heritage. If you want to go that safe, prudent and logical route, fine, but that's not how we roll around here. 

Not to mention, we need an off the board game changing pick to break this run of mediocrity we've been on since, well, January. And our search for value has yielded Ben Martin. Yes that Ben Martin who used to be somewhere between above-average and pretty good about eight years ago and appears to have almost returned to that level now. I mean he costs $8,600 on DraftKings so this pick isn't completely ridiculous. Right?

Speaking of DraftKings, this tournament would have shattered the old Tringale Rule if he was in the field and reminds me that we're still looking for someone to assume that all too important role here at the FGR. Maybe Wyndham Clark is our guy. We'll keep an eye on him this week and see if he has what it takes. Let's just say that carrying a lead into the final round and having the announcers over extol the virtues of his game before falling back to a tie for 6th would go a long way in the eyes of the judges. 

One and Done Pick: Ben Martin

This could literally be any golfer 
but it's really Ben Martin. (Actually
it's not) . . . but in reality, it is.

Other Guy I'd Pick: Wyndham Clark

Sleeper Pick: Sean O'Hair 

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Tony Finau	$10,700
Wyndham Clark	$9,700
Byeong Hun An	$9,100
Ben Martin	$8,600
Stephan Jaeger	$8,200
Robby Shelton	$8,000
Lanto Griffin	$7,500
Dylan Wu	$7,500
Kevin Chappell	$7,100
Sean O'Hair	$7,000

Email the Fantasy Golf Report here.

Fantasy Golf: Zurich Classic Preview

I'm limping into this one as I come-off a three plus day "Dad's Weekend" with my son's fraternity in New Orleans (oh the irony). So there will be no historical performance chart this week as the time normally spent staring blankly at a spreadsheet while plugging-in tournament results was instead spent staring blankly at the wall of my office. Not that arming you with the knowledge that half the field has never played this event before would have been much use. 

For those who haven't participated in a back to school event such as this, here is a brief summary of the itinerary:

Thursday

There were no formal obligations on Thursday so my son blew me off all day until it was time for me to buy him dinner at a Thai restaurant because why not start off with some authentic Cajun Tom Yum Goong. I assumed that "Goong" was Thai for "creole" but I looked it up and it's not. Turns-out it means "Goong." 

Friday

The official activities kicked-off at Tulane's favorite backyard booze stop called "The Boot." On its website, it describes itself as the destination "where your college career begins and ends." If that sounds kind of morbid, welcome to New Orleans. From there we took a keg to "The Fly" which is the waterfront part of Audubon Park. Ask ten different Tulane students why it's called "The Fly" and you'll probably get ten different answers . . . all of them wrong.  

Our next stop was "Cooter Brown's" which was exactly the kind of place you'd expect from the name. Fortunately it was right around the corner from my accommodations so I was able to have a nasty Po Boy and a few more beers before calling it a night at a somewhat reasonable hour. Count that as my last good decision made until skipping the mimosa at brunch on Sunday.

Saturday

Day 2 kicked off with this exchange at 10:00 a.m.:

Son:    Hey are you about ready? This beer pong tournament has a "hard start" at 11:00.

Me:      I thought we were blowing that off.

Son:     No.

So I rallied and apparently so did my competition because they showed-up in force . . . about twenty-five dads. Many of them were dressed to play golf and there were multiple Augusta logos which at least made it easy to identify the guys to avoid. (I kid because I love but really, some of the outfits were very golfy). 

After winning our first game, we were locked in a tight battle that was down to the last two cups on each side when the rain came at which point my son and president of this shit show told me that "we have no Plan B." So we kept playing until we were the last game out there trying to throw ping pong balls into plastic cups through a stiff crosswind. It was the most fun I've had in a long time.

Eventually we had to take shelter in the basement of the frat house where you could literally see the staph infections doing the Watusi on the tile floor. And here is a rapid fire recount of how the rest of the night went:

• Shot pool at a bar called "Bruno's" with two guys who drive for 84 Lumber and also shot pool like their cues were 2x4's purchased from 84 Lumber.
• Ate a giant plate of food at a place aptly named "Central City BBQ" because they had very good barbecue and they were near the city. Left my credit card there. Bad sign at 7:00 p.m.
• Went to a true dive bar called "Snake and Jake's Christmas Club Lounge" where I bought a Coke for a homeless man and, according to later reports, befriended multiple strangers. 
• Returned to "Bruno's" where we crossed paths with our beer pong foes. In one of my proudest moments as a father, my son and his counterpart cleared a long table and recreated the end of the game. In front of an enthusiastic crowd, my son buried the winning shot which advanced us to the quarterfinals now scheduled for Parents' Weekend in the fall (insert absurd face emoji).
• A frat brother miraculously returned my credit card.

Recognizing that I had nothing left to accomplish other than something embarrassing, life threatening or both, I exited "Bruno's" and pleasantly discovered that I was only a half mile from home. I somehow managed the perilous trek over New Orleans' earthquake in-progress style sidewalks and made it back to my place. 

Three days later and, as noted above, I'm still in recovery mode. Unfortunately this week's attention to the golf tournament (or lack thereof) will reflect that but everything has a price.   

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Feels like a good week to go with something light and fun in this spot.

Philistine Soldier: "Yeah, we had a pretty rough one at war today, honey. A little boy killed our big giant man...No, I dont know if we're supposed to go back on tomorrow, the giant man was kind of in charge."

— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) April 16, 2023

GOLF ANALYSIS

Let's not over analyze this section entitled "Golf Analysis." A good team usually wins this thing because surprisingly, when you put two of the best players in the world on a team together, they good. Our pick Billy Horschel comes into this year on a run of win, T13, T4, 2nd and he's paired with Sam Burns for the third year in a row. No-brainer.

For the rest of the picks we've tried to go with guys who come across as the types who like to have a good time and would embrace both the format and the aforementioned local lifestyle. Especially in the cases of misters Hubbard and Higgs who I almost stayed down there to befriend at Snake and Jake's. Maybe next year.  

Billy pictured here rocking the 
official uniform of the mid 50's
beer pong contestant.

One and Done Pick: Billy Horschel

Other Guy I'd Pick: Si Woo Kim

Sleeper Pick: Harry Higgs 

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Keith Mitchell	$10,400
Si Woo Kim	$9,700
Billy Horschel	$9,500
Matthew NeSmith	$8,700
Lee Hodges	$8,000
Harry Hall	$7,600
Scott Stallings	$7,400
Mark Hubbard	$7,200
Harry Higgs	$7,100
Kevin Chappell	$6,900

Email the Fantasy Golf Report here.

Fantasy Golf: The RBC Heritage Preview

This is going to sound weird because it was in fact weird but I kind of missed this year's Masters, a fact that becomes more evident as I sit here re-watching the final round thinking "I don't remember that at all." But to quote Joliet Jake Blues, "IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" Well at least not entirely.

On Thursday morning I was honestly too jacked-up to enjoy it. I had it on at work just like everyone else but I was like a dog that just got a bone that he was so worried about losing that he just wanted to bury it. Then in the afternoon my daughter had a badminton match (yes really) and by the time that was over, so was the golf. I caught-up enough to watch my pick Jordan Spieth hit a moronic shot from the pine straw on 13 into Rae's Creek but that's all I really remember.

I don't know what the hell happened on Friday. I was in it tracking Spieth but then they showed the guy with the airhorn so I took the dog for a walk. By the time I got back, Spieth had somehow finished, pine trees were rebelling against their landscaper overlords and the TV recordings were all screwed-up so I had no idea what was going on. I think I cracked a bottle of wine at that point and watched Jim Halpert try to thwart a Russian plot to start WWIII . . . again.

"A nap and a donut for dinner?"

Saturday was setup perfectly. I had an 11:30 a.m. tee time and with the weather delays down south, that would mean I'd get the full third round when I was done. Nope. Washout. I think I asked five different people to confirm that there would in fact be no more golf and even then I found myself standing there in a state of somewhat slack-jawed disbelief. After a few post-round beverages, I finally gave-up hope, went home, ate a donut and fell asleep for two hours. When I woke-up, I was pretty sure Dr. Rick was going to be waiting there to give me shit.

On Sunday I played at 9:00 a.m. and treated myself to a few transgender beers along the way. I got home with my chicken club sandwich and onion rings just as the leaders were getting ready to tee off. Two and a half hours later I woke-up to them playing Amen Corner but by then you could sense that the worm had already turned. At least that's what I was sensing in my stupefied state. I literally felt like Brooks Koepka's body language.

And as if my whole Masters viewing experience hadn't been quagmired enough by that point, someone had previously agreed to a phone call with his daughter's soccer coach at 6:30 p.m. during which said coach spoke continuously for almost 45 minutes. About soccer. During the final round  Masters. Fortunately he asked me no questions because the responses would have been "I'm sorry, what was the question?"

By the time Rahm putted-out on 18, I was a bit defeated and deflated. It turns-out I didn't miss much as Brooks drifted away from contention like a doomed castaway over the span of four hours and no one really made a charge other than Phil but we all knew that -8 wasn't going to get it done. I had such high hopes. There's always next year. Pffft.

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Apparently there is a clinical term for what I do anytime someone starts talking to me at a party about their kids or their job or just about anything besides sports and movies. 

Dissociation happens when we lose track of time, our voice goes monotone, and we “space out.”

We’re physically present but mentally gone.

HERE’S WHY: pic.twitter.com/1qh2rnrtCs

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 7, 2023

GOLF ANALYSIS

Despite the fact that the PGA Tour decided to stick a designated event at an above-average tournament the week after the Masters, we're going to avoid the shiny new players and stick close to the usual Harbour Town strategy. It's probably a terrible idea but not really sure how to evaluate the likes of Rahm, Scheffler and Homa on a course they never play against guys who play it well all of the time.

So that makes Patrick Cantlay an obvious pick assuming he finishes playing the 16th hole at Augusta in time to make it to Hilton Head. Unfortunately, I used Cantlay at that Match Play so the backup plan is Cameron Young who is still due for his first win and finished T3 here last year and T7 last week. Shane Lowry also finished T3 last year and played well at the Masters. I mean they're really almost the same guy when you get down to it.  

The rest of the picks are your who's who of straight hitting consistent players embodied by Corey Conners and Matt Kuchar. You're smart. You get the idea. 

One and Done Pick: Cameron Young

Unfrozen Caveman Golfer!

Other Guy I'd Pick: Shane Lowry

Sleeper Pick: Tyler Duncan

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Patrick Cantlay	$10,300
Cameron Young	$9,600
Sungjae Im	$8,600
Shane Lowry	$8,300
Tyrrell Hatton	$8,200
Corey Conners	$7,800
Matt Kuchar	$7,700
J.T. Poston	$7,300
Adam Svensson	$7,000
Tyler Duncan	$6,800

As I prepare to embark on a four day trip to visit my son in New Orleans for his fraternity's "celebration" of their dads paid for by their dads, we name this week's historical performance chart in honor of the inevitable casualties. 

                                THE FGR'S LIVER AND DIGNITY MEMORIAL

                                    HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

J.T. Poston got the slight nod over Webb Simpson who used to be one of my regulars here based on his sparkling past performance. Webb has shown signs of life lately but the last time I fell for that was at the Players where he missed the cut. You can fool me but once Webb! 

	DK Price	2022	2021	2020	2019	2018
Jon Rahm	$11,100	DNP	DNP	T33	DNP	DNP
Scottie Scheffler	$11,000	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Jordan Spieth	$10,400	1st	DNP	T68	T54	DNP
Patrick Cantlay	$10,300	2nd	MC	DNP	T3	T7
Collin Morikawa	$10,000	T26	T7	T64	DNP	DNP
Viktor Hovland	$9,800	DNP	DNP	T21	DNP	DNP
Cameron Young	$9,600	T3	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Tony Finau	$9,400	DNP	DNP	T33	DNP	DNP
Xander Schauffele	$9,300	DNP	DNP	T64	T63	T32
Max Homa	$9,100	DNP	DNP	T41	DNP	DNP
Justin Thomas	$8,900	T35	DNP	T8	DNP	DNP
Sam Burns	$8,700	DNP	T39	MC	9th	DNP
Sungjae Im	$8,600	T21	T13	MC	MC	DNP
Tom Kim	$8,500	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Matt Fitzpatrick	$8,400	MC	T4	T14	T39	T14
Shane Lowry	$8,300	T3	T9	MC	T3	DNP
Tyrrell Hatton	$8,200	T26	T39	T3	DNP	MC
Sahith Theegala	$8,000	T70	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Keegan Bradley	$7,900	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Corey Conners	$7,800	T12	T4	T21	MC	MC
Russell Henley	$7,800	MC	T9	MC	MC	DNP
Justin Rose	$7,700	DNP	DNP	T14	DNP	DNP
Matt Kuchar	$7,700	T3	T18	T41	2nd	T23
Rickie Fowler	$7,600	MC	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP
Si Woo Kim	$7,600	T42	T33	MC	MC	2nd
Wyndham Clark	$7,600	T35	64th	T64	T54	DNP
Chris Kirk	$7,500	MC	T7	DNP	MC	T55
Gary Woodland	$7,500	DNP	DNP	T62	DNP	DNP
Keith Mitchell	$7,500	DNP	DNP	MC	MC	T55
Taylor Montgomery	$7,500	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Adam Scott	$7,400	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Min Woo Lee	$7,400	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Taylor Moore	$7,400	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Tom Hoge	$7,400	MC	T25	MC	MC	T55
Webb Simpson	$7,400	T59	T9	1st	T16	T5
Adam Hadwin	$7,300	T26	MC	T41	T48	DNP
Billy Horschel	$7,300	T21	T25	MC	T45	T5
Brian Harman	$7,300	T35	T13	T28	MC	T23
J.T. Poston	$7,300	T3	MC	T8	T6	DNP
Matt Wallace	$7,300	DNP	T18	T64	MC	DNP
Seamus Power	$7,300	DNP	DNP	DNP	T6	DNP
Denny McCarthy	$7,200	T56	T13	MC	T33	DNP
Harris English	$7,200	DNP	MC	T17	T25	T32
K.H. Lee	$7,200	MC	T56	MC	T48	DNP
Maverick McNealy	$7,200	T26	T4	T58	DNP	DNP
Ryan Fox	$7,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Sam Ryder	$7,200	MC	DNP	T41	W/D	MC
Sepp Straka	$7,200	T3	T59	T33	DNP	DNP
Ben Martin	$7,100	T59	MC	DNP	DNP	T55
C. Bezuidenhout	$7,100	DNP	T33	T28	DNP	DNP
Cameron Davis	$7,100	T3	T25	DNP	DNP	DNP
Davis Riley	$7,100	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Kurt Kitayama	$7,100	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Patrick Rodgers	$7,100	DNP	MC	MC	DNP	DNP
Ty Detry	$7,100	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Aaron Rai	$7,000	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Adam Svensson	$7,000	T26	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
EmIliano Grillo	$7,000	MC	T2	MC	T33	T16
Justin Suh	$7,000	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Mackenzie Hughes	$7,000	MC	T52	T70	T63	DNP
Sam Stevens	$7,000	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Stephan Jaeger	$7,000	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Ben Griffin	$6,900	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Brandon Wu	$6,900	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Brendon Todd	$6,900	T26	T39	MC	DNP	DNP
Danny Willett	$6,900	T28	T18	MC	MC	DNP
J.J. Spaun	$6,900	MC	DNP	MC	T28	MC
Joel Dahmen	$6,900	T12	DNP	T48	T16	DNP
Nick Taylor	$6,900	MC	MC	DNP	T58	MC
Taylor Pendrith	$6,900	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Akshay Bhatia	$6,800	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Hayden Buckley	$6,800	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Lanto Griffin	$6,800	MC	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP
Lucas Herbert	$6,800	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Scott Stallings	$6,800	MC	MC	T48	T48	T55
Tyler Duncan	$6,800	T12	MC	T28	MC	DNP
Erik van Rooyan	$6,700	T10	DNP	T21	DNP	DNP
Patton Kizzire	$6,700	T26	MC	MC	T45	MC
Beau Hossler	$6,600	MC	MC	DNP	MC	T16
C.T. Pan	$6,600	T42	MC	T52	1st	T23
Lucas Glover	$6,600	T48	T33	T21	MC	T32
Luke List	$6,600	MC	58th	MC	T41	T3
Ryan Palmer	$6,600	DNP	DNP	T8	T28	76th
Chesson Hadley	$6,500	MC	MC	T58	MC	T7
Doug Ghim	$6,500	T35	T33	DNP	DNP	DNP
Matthew NeSmith	$6,500	T12	T48	T33	DNP	DNP
Stewart Cink	$6,500	68th	1st	T62	MC	T42
Kevin Kisner	$6,400	MC	MC	MC	T41	T7
Luke Donald	$6,400	T56	MC	MC	T33	MC
Zach Johnson	$6,400	W/D	MC	MC	T16	T42
Russell Knox	$6,300	MC	MC	MC	MC	T40

Email the Fantasy Golf Report here.