Wednesday, April 19, 2023

Fantasy Golf: Zurich Classic Preview

I'm limping into this one as I come-off a three plus day "Dad's Weekend" with my son's fraternity in New Orleans (oh the irony). So there will be no historical performance chart this week as the time normally spent staring blankly at a spreadsheet while plugging-in tournament results was instead spent staring blankly at the wall of my office. Not that arming you with the knowledge that half the field has never played this event before would have been much use. 

For those who haven't participated in a back to school event such as this, here is a brief summary of the itinerary:


There were no formal obligations on Thursday so my son blew me off all day until it was time for me to buy him dinner at a Thai restaurant because why not start off with some authentic Cajun Tom Yum Goong. I assumed that "Goong" was Thai for "creole" but I looked it up and it's not. Turns-out it means "Goong." 


The official activities kicked-off at Tulane's favorite backyard booze stop called "The Boot." On its website, it describes itself as the destination "where your college career begins and ends." If that sounds kind of morbid, welcome to New Orleans. From there we took a keg to "The Fly" which is the waterfront part of Audubon Park. Ask ten different Tulane students why it's called "The Fly" and you'll probably get ten different answers . . . all of them wrong.  

Our next stop was "Cooter Brown's" which was exactly the kind of place you'd expect from the name. Fortunately it was right around the corner from my accommodations so I was able to have a nasty Po Boy and a few more beers before calling it a night at a somewhat reasonable hour. Count that as my last good decision made until skipping the mimosa at brunch on Sunday.


Day 2 kicked off with this exchange at 10:00 a.m.:

Son:    Hey are you about ready? This beer pong tournament has a "hard start" at 11:00.

Me:      I thought we were blowing that off.

Son:     No.

So I rallied and apparently so did my competition because they showed-up in force . . . about twenty-five dads. Many of them were dressed to play golf and there were multiple Augusta logos which at least made it easy to identify the guys to avoid. (I kid because I love but really, some of the outfits were very golfy). 

After winning our first game, we were locked in a tight battle that was down to the last two cups on each side when the rain came at which point my son and president of this shit show told me that "we have no Plan B." So we kept playing until we were the last game out there trying to throw ping pong balls into plastic cups through a stiff crosswind. It was the most fun I've had in a long time.

Eventually we had to take shelter in the basement of the frat house where you could literally see the staph infections doing the Watusi on the tile floor. And here is a rapid fire recount of how the rest of the night went:
  • Shot pool at a bar called "Bruno's" with two guys who drive for 84 Lumber and also shot pool like their cues were 2x4's purchased from 84 Lumber.
  • Ate a giant plate of food at a place aptly named "Central City BBQ" because they had very good barbecue and they were near the city. Left my credit card there. Bad sign at 7:00 p.m.
  • Went to a true dive bar called "Snake and Jake's Christmas Club Lounge" where I bought a Coke for a homeless man and, according to later reports, befriended multiple strangers. 
  • Returned to "Bruno's" where we crossed paths with our beer pong foes. In one of my proudest moments as a father, my son and his counterpart cleared a long table and recreated the end of the game. In front of an enthusiastic crowd, my son buried the winning shot which advanced us to the quarterfinals now scheduled for Parents' Weekend in the fall (insert absurd face emoji).
  • A frat brother miraculously returned my credit card.
Recognizing that I had nothing left to accomplish other than something embarrassing, life threatening or both, I exited "Bruno's" and pleasantly discovered that I was only a half mile from home. I somehow managed the perilous trek over New Orleans' earthquake in-progress style sidewalks and made it back to my place. 

Three days later and, as noted above, I'm still in recovery mode. Unfortunately this week's attention to the golf tournament (or lack thereof) will reflect that but everything has a price.   


Feels like a good week to go with something light and fun in this spot.


Let's not over analyze this section entitled "Golf Analysis." A good team usually wins this thing because surprisingly, when you put two of the best players in the world on a team together, they good. Our pick Billy Horschel comes into this year on a run of win, T13, T4, 2nd and he's paired with Sam Burns for the third year in a row. No-brainer.

For the rest of the picks we've tried to go with guys who come across as the types who like to have a good time and would embrace both the format and the aforementioned local lifestyle. Especially in the cases of misters Hubbard and Higgs who I almost stayed down there to befriend at Snake and Jake's. Maybe next year.  

Billy pictured here rocking the 
official uniform of the mid 50's
beer pong contestant.
One and Done Pick: Billy Horschel

Other Guy I'd Pick: Si Woo Kim

Sleeper Pick: Harry Higgs 

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Keith Mitchell


Si Woo Kim


Billy Horschel


Matthew NeSmith


Lee Hodges


Harry Hall


Scott Stallings


Mark Hubbard


Harry Higgs


Kevin Chappell


Email the Fantasy Golf Report here.

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