The FGR NFL Wild Card Round Picks

I'm currently sitting in an endless meeting originally scheduled for Tuesday but thanks to a smattering of snow and some chickenshit management who didn't want to drive their monster trucks in it, we rescheduled to this morning which also happens to be my birthday. This post was supposed to be my bounce back fix your face adjustment fun football post after Wednesday's dystopian Sony Open Preview. Well fuck all that. Maybe next week.

And speaking of subtle birthday announcements, I walked into a Florida bar late on this date thirty-six years ago and started doing shots. After a few rounds, a couple of complete strangers walked up and wished me a happy birthday at which point I asked the guy I was with how they knew it was my birthday to which he responded, "because you fucking yelled 'IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!' across the entire bar when we walked in." Oh that's right. 

Let's make some picks.   

Baltimore -8.5 over Pittsburgh: The Pick - Steelers

Against my better judgment, I will be braving the elements of a Baltimore night in January and attending this game with two of my three kids. It's been a strange journey as a football loving dad with my eldest attaching himself to the Indianapolis Colts thanks to that likable melon head Peyton Manning. And then to make matters worse he infected his little brother with his Colts fandom. 

My daughter a/k/a "The Smart One" has always been a Ravens fan thanks in part to the fact that they won their last Super Bowl when she was five which I believe to be the formative year for football allegiance. That's exactly how old I was when I sat in a room full of Redskins fans at my family's Thanksgiving celebration after a heartbreaking loss to the Cowboys (the Clint Longley game) and announced that I had been quietly rooting for Dallas. I survived the wrath of a couple drunk uncles that night and that misguided Cowboys fandom survived until their 90's dynasty crumbled just as the Ravens were pulling into Baltimore. The transition was quick and seamless. Judge away.

Enjoy Superdome
purgatory buddy.

Now my oldest has relocated to New Orleans and become a Saints fan just in time for them to return to their incompetent roots (serves him right) while his brother enthusiastically leapt onto the Lamar Jackson bandwagon. And who can blame him? It's an amazing ride. 

With that being said, I'm not sure there's ever been a 8.5 point spread in a meaningful Ravens-Steelers game and, as much as I believe the home team should roll, you'd be crazy not to take the points. 

L.A. Chargers -3 at Houston: The Pick - Chargers

Jim Harbaugh is still a year or two away from having this Chargers team where he wants them but they're already a respectable squad while the Texans are a mirage of a 10-7 team having given-up the same amount of points that they've scored and recording only one victory over a team that ended the season with a winning record (the Bills way back in the first week of October). Also, the last time the Texans played at home they got utterly poleaxed by the Ravens so probably not much advantage there and yes I added that fact solely so I could use the word "poleaxed."  

Buffalo -8.5 over Denver: The Pick - Bills

One of the home teams always wins in a blowout and, other than maybe the Ravens, I'm not seeing any other viable options. You've also got the rookie quarterback in his first playoff game on the road effect although you wouldn't guess Bo Nix was a rookie based on his stats and the fact that he was born in a place called Arkadelphia, Arkansas during the Clinton administration (I made none of that up).  

Philadelphia -4.5 over Green Bay: The Pick - Eagles

Apparently Jalen Hurts is healthy and going to play which arguably makes the Eagles a great team at home playing the Packers who have revealed themselves lately to be just a pretty good team posing as a very good team. If that doesn't convince you, then consider that a guy named Matt LaFleur is heading to Philadelphia to settle a score with a guy named Nick Sirianni. Fuhgeddaboutit.   

Tampa Bay - 3 over Washington: The Pick - Commanders

Metaphors are fun.

Through the entire course of my career as a human being there has been no sports team that I have despised more than the football team that plays in Washington, D.C. (spoken like a true Cowboys fan). They have arguably the most annoying fans in all of sports and play their home games in a shithole that has literally leaked sewage during games. To make matters worse, from 1999 through 2023 they were owned by a man who managed to combine the ineptitude and lasciviousness of Donald Silver and James Dolan with an unparalleled disdain for his own customers. Truly a dual threat.

Now I've actually reached the point where I believe Washington fans have suffered almost enough and a couple more years of having to root for a team called the Commanders should pay off their debt. It appears that the sports gods agree as indicated by the delivery of Jayden Daniels. I expect him to blow that rookie quarterback thing out of the water.  

Minnesota -1 over L.A. Rams: The Pick - Vikings 

This kind of feels like Penn St. (Vikings) v. SMU (Rams). Yes the Rams won their last five meaningful games in a row but, as part of that run, they just combined to score a total of 44 points against the 49ers, Jets and Cardinals. Meanwhile, the Vikings won nine games in a row before getting run over by the Detroit express last week. In fact, they only lost to two different teams all year. Ironically one of them was the Rams. I swear I was narrowing-in on a point here but got lost somewhere on my way. Where in the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?!?!   

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