Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Fantasy Golf: The RSM Classic Preview

I generally don't like casinos. They're sad places with a lot of loud noises that are somehow both random and clearly orchestrated to help pilfer money from people. The whole experience is very predatory in a doing water ballet with sharks kind of way. However, there are certain instances when I am able to stop clutching my pearls long enough to enjoy the environment and it should come as no surprise that those instances coincide with me winning. Last Saturday was one of those instances.

My cohorts and I made the trek on foot to Baltimore's Horseshoe Casino which is conveniently and not randomly located almost directly adjacent to the football stadium where we would've just watched the valiant Midshipmen of the Naval Academy almost comeback to defeat Notre Dame. That is if we hadn't left halfway through the 4th quarter because we were staring straight into the setting sun of a fucking 80+ degree day in November. Good call on the noon kickoff fellas. 

Anyway, I had declared that I was only going if we could find a poker table that could seat all three of us as I had visions of Rounders characters dancing in my head. (You know you're getting old when those visions include more John Turturro and less Famke Janssen). Anyway, someone suggested that we "warmup" with some blackjack which made sense to me especially after it yielded positive results. It wasn't long before we received a text summoning us to the poker room. I think it said "time to come get your ass kicked."

I'd barely had the chance to sit down and properly greet my table mates when I was dealt pocket kings and the bet was to me. I then had the apparent audacity to ask what the betting rules were to which the collegial gentleman to my right exclaimed, "YOU SAT DOWN AT A POKER TABLE WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING THE DAMN RULES?!?! . . . PFFFFT!!!"  

I have to admit that I was momentarily flummoxed before thinking "wait, HE DID THAT ON PURPOSE!"  And then fate intervened on my behalf by producing a queen which ended-up being the high card on the board and also one of the cards in my neighbor's hand. He aggressively went all-in, I called and that put an end to our blossoming friendship before it ever really got a chance to get started. 

I won't bore you with the details of the next couple hours which included me repeatedly calling one guy at the table "Poker Ed Sheeran" while stacking my chips illegally and breaking every cell phone rule including having "Poker Ed Sheeran" taking a picture of us. I will, however, tell you that the night ended on another all-in call that I conceded as a loss . . . until the dealer said, "no sir you have two pairs" at which point I knew it was time to leave. Or die.       


This guy probably would've earned TOTW just for reminding me that I need to start using "Heywood Jablome" more in my everyday communications but he also happens to be spot-on about the current state of Twitter.


Tony Finau withdrew depriving this field of its only top 25 player and my readers of me giving even the slightest fuck but we still have a great assortment of (a) tour grinders, (b) quality players in search of their first PGA Tour win and (c) the always enigmatic Jason Day. Our picks are a very casually researched cross-section of that group. But seriously, Denny McCarthy is going to win. It's my gambling week and it's his time. Bank it.  

One and Done Pick: Denny McCarthy
Quite possibly the sexiest FGR photo
 ever. (You'll get the connection). 

Other Guy I'd Pick: Seamus Power

Sleeper Pick: Patton Kizzire 

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Seamus Power


Jason Day


Denny McCarthy


Patrick Rodgers


Webb Simpson


Kevin Kisner


Alex Smalley


Nick Hardy


Russell Knox


Patton Kizzire


Email the Fantasy Golf Report here.

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