Fantasy Golf: The Sony Open Preview

(Just write what you're thinking)

This is what I wrote on the plane today. Now I'm very drunk. I haven't read it much less proofread it.

I'm currently on a plane to Florida fleeing the carnage of last week's picks in search of warmer weather, a reprieve from the daily drumbeat of Omicron and my golf game. The next couple of days were supposed to be a preamble to an ill-fated old man lacrosse tournament this weekend that I would be entering with an arthritic knee and two calf muscles wound tighter than a travel soccer coach on a seven game losing streak who just worked three straight double shifts behind the pharmacy counter at CVS. Yes. They're that tight.

Alas, the lacrosse tournament was cancelled due to COVID because by all means the biggest threat to a bunch of 50+ year old guys running around outside and bashing each other with metal poles is an airborne virus. Then again, the odds of me breaking a bone in the next five days just went from 2-1 to 5-2.* The smart money is on a clavicle at 11-1 as mine are made of glass and always seem to find themselves in harm's way.

Well when one door closes, the opportunity to visit one of this country's sweet golf enclaves apparently opens. I'm now staring down the barrel of 72 holes of concierge level good times. And you may find this hard to believe but I tend to thrive in that type of environment. By Thursday night I should be fully ensconced and carrying-on like a combination of Hank Moody and Roman Roy. I will report back next week.

TWEET OF THE WEEK

If not the Bible, at least the sequel to Aesop's Fables or some shit like that . . . 

GOLF ANALYSIS FOR THE SLOW TO MATURE

As noted above, last week's recommendations were, ahem, not good. The Bryson DeChambeau pick was clearly misguided but, if you've done your homework on me, you should know by now that you should never to listen to me when the tone is spiteful. At least I directed you away from picking Xander Schauffele (sort of) so now you get the pleasure of watching him represent you in a major. You're welcome.

I hate picking the same guy as the purveyor of chalk over at PGATour.com because I fancy myself an iconoclast but I can't talk myself out of Corey Conners. Once you latch-on to a Canadian, it's hard to let go. Webb Simpson also makes a lot of sense but I want to wait and see on him. Not to mention, there are like five great spots to use him down the road. And Marc Leishman is logical but he inevitably fails me and I can't go into this tournament knowing that my ceiling is a T42.

Kevin Kisner, Billy Horschel and Matt Jones are all relatively safe picks but the guy I love is Cameron Davis. He finished T10 last week and he's just the mercurial type you want in this event because that's who usually wins it. Sheet, Kevin Na took two years off after a missed cut in 2018 before winning it last year.

My bottom four have all shown some level of consistency here which is apparently tough to do as evidenced by the slew of MC's and DNP's that riddle my pretty chart below. You know it's bad when Sungjae Im has played three years in a row and finished no better than T16. 

One and Done Pick: Corey Conners

"Um, who's keeping an
eye on Ronny this week?"

Other Guy I'd Pick: Webb Simpson

Sleeper Pick: Hudson Swafford 

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Webb Simpson	$10,500
Corey Connors	$9,600
Kevin Kisner	$8,900
Billy Horschel	$8,700
Matt Jones	$8,400
Cameron Davis	$8,000
Keith Mitchell	$7,600
Patton Kizzire	$7,300
Stewart Cink	$7,200
Hudson Swafford	$6,800

Let's hope we don't have to name every chart this year after a brilliant comedian but we're off to a rough start. If you only know Bob Saget from Full House or America's Funniest Home Videos or you don't know him at all, I'd encourage you to watch this clip of his performance at the 9th Annual HBO Young Comedians Special.** I'm not sure anyone has ever pulled-off this level of dork/dirty combination. I saw this for the first time 36 years ago and remember almost every line of it today. 

                                            THE BOB SAGET MEMORIAL

                                     HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

I wouldn't rule-out Tom Hoge and Brian Stuard as Sunday contenders based on their past performances though that duel would have ratings somewhere between a rerun of AfterMASH and a Wednesday afternoon Orioles game in September (or July for that matter).  

	DK Price	2021	2020	2019	2018	2017
Cameron Smith	$11,200	T62	1st	T22	T18	T27
Hideki Matsuyama	$10,600	T19	T12	T51	DNP	T27
Webb Simpson	$10,500	T4	3rd	DNP	T4	T13
Sungjae Im	$10,300	T56	T21	T16	DNP	DNP
Marc Leishman	$10,000	T4	T28	T3	T47	T20
Kevin Na	$9,900	1st	DNP	DNP	MC	T36
Abraham Ancer	$9,700	MC	T38	T29	MC	DNP
Corey Connors	$9,600	DNP	T12	T3	T39	DNP
Harris English	$9,300	T32	DNP	T22	64th	MC
Talor Gooch	$9,100	MC	T63	MC	T18	DNP
Kevin Kisner	$8,900	T32	T4	T69	T25	T4
Billy Horschel	$8,700	T7	DNP	DNP	DNP	T68
Jason Kokrak	$8,600	T56	DNP	DNP	T47	DNP
Russell Henley	$8,500	T11	MC	66th	MC	T13
Matt Jones	$8,400	T11	T38	T29	T39	DNP
Maverick McNealy	$8,300	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Erik Van Rooyen	$8,200	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Seamus Power	$8,100	MC	DNP	MC	T54	T49
Cameron Davis	$8,000	31st	T9	MC	DNP	DNP
Brendan Steele	$7,900	T4	2nd	DNP	DNP	DNP
Chris Kirk	$7,900	T2	MC	MC	T10	MC
C. Bezuidenhout	$7,800	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Ryan Palmer	$7,800	T41	T4	DNP	T58	MC
Aaron Rai	$7,700	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Si Woo Kim	$7,700	T25	DNP	MC	T58	DNP
Joel Dahmen	$7,600	DNP	T12	T22	T73	DNP
Keith Mitchell	$7,600	T14	MC	T16	T25	DNP
Tom Hoge	$7,600	MC	T12	MC	3rd	DNP
Brendon Todd	$7,500	T41	T21	DNP	DNP	DNP
Brian Harman	$7,500	T56	T32	MC	T4	T20
Matt Kuchar	$7,500	MC	MC	1st	DNP	DNP
Denny McCarthy	$7,400	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Keegan Bradley	$7,400	MC	T12	T29	T39	MC
Takumi Kanaya	$7,400	MC	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP
Adam Long	$7,300	DNP	MC	MC	DNP	DNP
Emiliano Grillo	$7,300	T47	T21	T22	T47	DNP
Patton Kizzire	$7,300	T7	MC	T13	1st	DNP
Briand Stuard	$7,200	T47	T53	T8	T4	T45
Lucas Herbert	$7,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Stewart Cink	$7,200	T19	DNP	T20	T32	T36
Taylor Pendrith	$7,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Zach Johnson	$7,200	T62	T28	MC	T14	T6
Branden Grace	$7,100	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	T13
Chade Ramey	$7,100	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
H. Norlander	$7,100	MC	T9	DNP	DNP	T20
Russell Knox	$7,100	MC	T32	T43	T10	T11
Adam Schenk	$7,000	MC	MC	MC	DNP	DNP
Alex Smalley	$7,000	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
J.J. Spaun	$7,000	MC	MC	DNP	T47	MC
K.H. Lee	$7,000	T19	MC	MC	DNP	DNP
Robert Streb	$7,000	T67	MC	MC	MC	T49
Brandt Snedeker	$6,900	MC	T12	T16	DNP	MC
Harry Higgs	$6,900	T32	T57	DNP	DNP	DNP
Rory Sabbatini	$6,900	MC	T21	T33	T32	T45
Hudson Swafford	$6,800	T25	T57	T3	T54	T13
Lucas Glover	$6,800	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Scott Piercy	$6,800	MC	T45	T33	T25	T57
Andrew Putnam	$6,700	MC	T57	2nd	T69	DNP
Kyle Stanley	$6,700	MC	MC	T22	T10	T36
Pat Perez	$6,600	T32	T45	MC	DNP	T69
Peter Malnati	$6,600	T14	T12	MC	MC	T27
J.T. Poston	$6,500	MC	MC	T20	DNP	T64
Sung Kang	$6,400	MC	MC	T10	DNP	MC
Nate Lashley	$6,300	MC	T53	DNP	DNP	DNP

Footnotes

* For those keeping track, since I reengaged with the greatest game ever invented about four years ago, I've broken my right hand, my left arm and three ribs. People ask me if it's worth it. A lot of people . . . 

** We also met Louie Anderson, Rita Rudner and Sam Kinison that night. Man did we ever meet Sam Kinison . . . here's his set. I need to do a whole post on these HBO specials. I'm pretty sure they played a huge role in making me the prick I am today.

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