Fantasy Golf: Charles Schwab Challenge Preview

So we're back to work here at FGR Command Central with a skeletal crew (which is just me dressed as a member of the Cobra Kai at Halloween). We've finished Clorox wiping the shit out of our refrigerator sized super computer known affectionately as "Feherty's Ego" and, in addition to making sure it's virus free, we've been busy re-writing the algorithms and doing extra research on things like "what are algorithms?" and "what kind of wine pairs well with Frosted Flakes?" and "wait, what are algorithms again?" so that our predictions account for the unprecedented ten week layoff during what is normally a peak stretch of the season. 

We actually had to go back and review The Players Championship Preview to remember what random format we had settled-on for this year and to create a cheap reason to get people to click on the link for it. It also gave us an opportunity to bask in the glory of the last picks we made before life as we know it stopped and we know this from the line "Let us take an extra moment to bask in the glory of those picks . . ." Now we need to pick-up where we left off and overcome that age old maxim that nothing kills momentum like a slow-rolling pandemic that no one saw coming like a guy trying to outrun a steamroller . . . JUST GET OUT OF THE ROAD MAN!!!! 

But first, this . . .  

TWEET OF THE WEEK FROM SEVEN WEEKS AGO

So many interesting topics we could go with here based on current events but I promised myself that this preview would be all about golf and fun and what's more fun than the thought of football in the fall in front of socially distanced crowds comprised only of suite owners and people who can afford $1,000 tickets for one of the 8,000 seats in the stadium (sorry, couldn't help myself) . . . 

how the panthers envision christian mccaffrey in their offense with his new contract pic.twitter.com/8KBrRHsulC

— Trevor Sikkema (@TampaBayTre) April 18, 2020

RUSTY GOLF ANALYSIS . . . QUITE RUSTY

The fundamental questions we have to ask ourselves and the players this week are (a) "who's ready?" and (b) "who is going to play like they give a shit?" Take Dustin Johnson for example. The last time we saw him at Seminole he played like he was on the 6th place team in the final nine-hole match of the Winged Foot flight and his guest just spent three days complaining about the food, the free shirt and his tennis elbow. (For the record, I have never complained about my tennis elbow but for fuck's sake don't skimp on the shrimp and give us a decent shirt). I'm thinking that DJ is treating this like a two to four day practice round and I kind of have a feeling that Rory, JT and Brooks may have a similar mindset.

So who will be the anti-DJ be this week? Who will show-up ready to play with a little fire in his belly? The obvious answer would be the forgotten man Jordan Spieth who had slipped to 56th in the world before we all started hiding in bunkers. No one needed the X-Men to freeze the golf world for ten weeks more than he did so that he could work on this game while not having to display the tragic condition of it in tournaments while racking-up missed cuts and finishes outside the top 50. And he couldn't have asked for a better course to come back to than Colonial C.C. where he has a win, two runner-ups and a tie for 8th since 2015. I know players just up and lose it but I don't think he's that guy. Of course I thought Ian Baker-Finch was going to be better than Nick Faldo so make of that assessment what you will.  

Who else? Well Jon Rahm is arguably the best player in the world and finished top five here in 2017 and 2018 so he's our headliner. Webb Simpson has been on a ridiculous roll since the WGC-FeDex St. Jude Invitational last July and also has two top fives in his last three trips here so he's our number two (hahahaha you just called Webb a poop). Please forgive me as I've been quarantined with two teenage boys and my increasingly immature self. The over/under on poop jokes in this preview was actually 2.5. Of course we're not done yet.   

This is also a nice spot for the young dudes who may have been a bit more motivated to prepare for a regular Tour event than their well-heeled private jetting brethren. Sungjae Im has two wins and two 3rd place finishes in his last twelve tournaments, Collin Morikawa still hasn't missed a cut on Tour and Max Homa is really funny on Twitter. 

Max reminds me of "Hi and Lois"
because he makes me laugh.

One and Done Pick: Jordan Spieth

Other Guy I'd Pick: Jon Rahm

Sleeper Pick: Corey Connors

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Jon Rahm	$11,000
Webb Simpson	$9,800
Sungjae Im	$9,300
Collin Morikawa	$9,100
Jordan Spieth	$8,000
Kevin Na	$7,600
Max Homa	$7,500
Joaquin Niemann	$7,400
Corey Connors	$7,100
Scott Piercy	$6,800

Generally we try to pare-down the historical performance chart and separate the wheat from the chaff (inexplicable farmer talk) with no positive track record on the course and no sign that they've got a top twenty in them but this is an odd week so we're throwing almost everyone in there to let you make your own choices. Two guys I like for no real good reason are Scottie Scheffler and Harry Higgs. They also strike me as two guys I'd like to get hammered with and wake-up on a random couch with a friend's dog sleeping on my feet which absolutely has not happened to me more than once during the pandemic.  
                                      THE WHERE'S WALDO FAUCI 
                                HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

	DK Price	2019	2018	2017	2016	2015
Rory McIlroy	$11,800	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Jon Rahm	$11,000	MC	T5	T2	DNP	DNP
Justin Thomas	$10,600	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
B. DeChambeau	$10,100	MC	T42	MC	MC	DNP
Webb Simpson	$9,800	DNP	MC	5th	T3	DNP
Brooks Koepka	$9,700	DNP	2nd*	DNP	DNP	DNP
Xander Schauffele	$9,600	MC	MC	T48	DNP	DNP
Dustin Johnson	$9,500	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Rickie Fowler	$9,400	MC	T14	DNP	DNP	DNP
Sungjae Im	$9,300	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Patrick Reed	$9,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	T15	T33
Collin Morikawa	$9,100	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Justin Rose	$9,000	T58	1st	DNP	DNP	DNP
Marc Leishman	$8,900	DNP	DNP	T34	T13	T27
Gary Woodland	$8,800	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Tony Finau	$8,700	2nd	DNP	T29	T39	T19
Shane Lowry	$8,600	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Matt Kuchar	$8,500	DNP	T32	T12	DNP	DNP
Scottie Scheffler	$8,400	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Jason Day	$8,300	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Matthew Fitzpatrick	$8,200	T64	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Louis Oosthuizen	$8,100	DNP	T5	DNP	MC	W/D
Jordan Spieth	$8,000	T8	T32	T2	1st	T2
Sergio Garcia	$8,000	DNP	DNP	T12	DNP	DNP
Viktor Hovland	$7,900	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Daniel Berger	$7,700	T53	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC
Kevin Kisner	$7,600	MC	T52	1ST	T10	T5
Kevin Na	$7,600	1st	4th	DNP	T42	T10
Harris English	$7,500	DNP	T20	T29	2nd	DNP
Joel Dahmen	$7,500	MC	T20	DNP	DNP	DNP
Max Homa	$7,500	T27	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC
Ben An	$7,400	68th	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Billy Horschel	$7,400	T19	DNP	T34	DNP	DNP
Joaquin Niemann	$7,400	T31	T8	DNP	DNP	DNP
Matthew Wolf	$7,400	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Ryan Palmer	$7,400	T6	MC	T70	T3	MC
Abraham Ancer	$7,300	T58	T52	DNP	DNP	DNP
Adam Hadwin	$7,300	DNP	T52	T53	T22	T5
Cameron Smith	$7,300	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP
Ian Poulter	$7,300	T70	DNP	DNP	MC	T5
Phil Mickelson	$7,300	DNP	DNP	T29	DNP	DNP
Bubba Watson	$7,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Danny Lee	$7,200	T48	T14	6th	T22	T10
Jason Kokrak	$7,200	DNP	T32	MC	T55	MC
Rory Sabbatini	$7,200	T6	T20	MC	DNP	T10
Russell Knox	$7,200	T8	T20	DNP	DNP	T24
Branden Grace	$7,100	T53	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Brendan Steele	$7,100	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Chez Reavie	$7,100	MC	MC	T48	MC	DNP
Corey Connors	$7,100	T31	T8	DNP	DNP	DNP
Emiliano Grillo	$7,100	T19	3rd	T24	T55	DNP
Erik Van Rooyen	$7,100	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Jim Furyk	$7,100	T13	T66	DNP	MC	DNP
Keegan Bradley	$7,100	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP
Charley Hoffman	$7,000	T13	T52	T24	T42	T10
Graeme McDowell	$7,000	73rd	DNP	T29	DNP	DNP
Harry Higgs	$7,000	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
J.T. Poston	$7,000	MC	T20	T41	DNP	DNP
Jason Dufner	$7,000	T40	MC	MC	T6	T43
Charles Howell, III	$6,900	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Harold Varner, III	$6,900	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP
Kevin Streelman	$6,900	T31	76th	T18	MC	T58
Brendon Todd	$6,800	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC	T43
Bud Cauley	$6,800	MC	DNP	T41	DNP	DNP
C.T. Pan	$6,800	T3	T20	MC	DNP	DNP
Scott Piercy	$6,800	T19	MC	T7	T67	T43
Zach Johnson	$6,800	MC	MC	T63	T17	T19
Jimmy Walker	$6,700	T19	T20	DNP	T29	T65
Kevin Tway	$6,700	T19	T5	T18	DNP	DNP
Beau Hossler	$6,600	T40	T64	MC	DNP	DNP
Vaughn Taylor	$6,600	T58	T20	T18	T55	DNP
Pat Perez	$6,500	W/D	T42	MC	DNP	T5

* Note that I originally had Brooks Koepka as a DNP in 2018 but, not only did he play, he finished 2nd. This information probably would've been more useful if the tournament hadn't started 40 minutes ago.

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Getting to Know the FGR - Part 2

Nothing says it's time to write about stupid illegal shit you did in high school like a pandemic Sunday morning with a Catholic mass playing on the television in the next room. Having never been to church on consecutive Sundays, I never knew how much they like to hammer home the message through repetition. It's kind of like having the Golf Channel on in the next room. Just replace swing path with life path and commercials for the Square Strike chipper with readings from the Holy Gospel According to John . . . both of which could help me immensely if I didn't refuse to embrace them out of pure spite (way to keep it light). 

This was the face of gang violence
in Annapolis during the 80's.
(Note: This is not me)

As I'm sure you remember vividly from Part 1, I was raised in a fairly affluent neighborhood on a fairly affluent river in the fairly affluent city of Annapolis, Maryland where the two favorite pastimes are sailing and acting like you don't live 25 miles from Baltimore. Seriously, walk-up to someone in downtown Annapolis, ask them for directions to Baltimore and they'll either say "Baltimore? . . . never heard of it" or they'll start blowing a whistle while dialing 911 and trying to wack you with a Topsider.*

When I was growing-up back when people didn't care whether kids lived or died, you didn't have to be of a certain age to drive a boat. The primary reason for this was that the authorities didn't want to discourage children from driving their drunk parents which made sense considering that the average home in Annapolis had 2.37 alcoholics when you included the deadbeats still living in their parents' basements. 

That meant that us kids were like aquatic Uber drivers in a society unburdened by laws to prevent petty crimes like open containers, drunk in public and child neglect. This arrangement did have its perks. At the age of 14, I was free to roam up and down a river almost unchecked and the great thing about being on the water is that it makes you feel invincible because hey, it's just water and hey, no cops and hey, there's always a bathroom. Did we do stupid shit under these false pretenses like make the boats go really fast and then jump-off the sides to feel like flying or drive at a dock full speed in an unwinnable game of chicken against an inanimate object? Um, maybe. But hey, it was a simpler time and we're the better for it. At least those of us who survived.

At 16 we graduated to cars and then things really got stupid. Everyday was a new version of the Smokey and the Bandit bet** (more on this later) or the car race from Against All Odds. In one particularly ill-advised version of the latter, we were racing from school to Rocco's Pizzeria at lunch and got stuck behind someone who didn't get the memo to clear the streets for us. I was then running in second place and about to lose under a caution flag situation so I decided to avail myself of the left lane which had been designated by the authorities for oncoming traffic only as evidenced by the wide grass dividers that separated one direction from the other. 

As I flew down my newly created passing lane with a wave and a grin to the sucker I was racing, my victory celebration was cut short because the driver of the car in front of him turned to face me in horror and I immediately recognized her as my first grade teacher. Didn't see that one coming. At that point I was fully committed to the maneuver so there was really nothing to be done but go get some pizza and see where the chips fell when I got back. 

And man they fell hard as she was waiting for me in the parking lot and, to her full and everlasting credit, unloaded on me with the passion of a naval air traffic controller who just got his tower buzzed again (yes there will be a Top Gun reference in every one of these entries). Good thing my high school was so laid-back and crunchy that our mascot was a gluten free pizza in the shape of a peace sign which meant there were no real consequences. After all, consequences would have only jeopardized the delicate learning environment of my mind and we couldn't have that.

Back to the Smokey and the Bandit bet. One rainy night I was out skulking around with that guy from high school who racked-up points on his driving record like it was a fucking pinball machine. (The point system was apparently less of a deterrent for the hard-scrabble boys from P.G. County). After some aggressive driving on a wet and winding road, we found ourselves in a full spin that didn't end until we had miraculously come to rest in between two brick pillars at the end of a driveway. After cackling at our good fortune, we sped-off in search of more lurking death.

Fast forward a couple hours and we're sitting around a random kitchen when someone reaches for a cigarette and discovers the pack is empty. Suffice it to say we knew just the guys to remedy that situation. Especially when the challenge of "I'll give you guys $5 if you can make the run in 5 minutes" was laid on the table. After quickly doing the math . . . 2 miles to the 7-Eleven at 60 mph on another wet and windy road left us a full minute to run in and buy the smokes . . . challenge accepted!

It should be noted at this point that we were attempting this in a Renault Alliance, a French car manufactured in Wisconsin with an emphasis on fuel economy and faux prestige. . . not performance. Or safety. Imagine a tin can with four wheels that's powered by a wound-up rubber band with the handling of a mule cart. This car would lose a race to that contraption.

I can assure you that no one bought
this car to impress a woman.

We made the outward run and picked-up the package right on schedule. With just a couple turns to go before the finish line we had it. WE FUCKING HAD IT MAN!!! Suffice it to say that we didn't have it. This time we spun and slammed backwards into a ditch. After a moment to check the functionality and connectivity of our limbs, we surveyed our situation and realized that we were both in a reclined position with the seats tilted to one side like that psychotic Simpsons ride at Universal Studios that scarred my kids for life. Nervous laughter ensued.

When we got out to survey the damage, it was bad. Really really bad. Unfortunately we couldn't just spray paint "DIE RIDGEMONT" on it and leave it in the school parking lot because (a) our school wasn't called "Ridgemont", (b) we didn't have a football team, and (c) no one would trash a car over a lacrosse game. Especially not one of ours. 

I'm not sure what we did next but I assume we walked the rest of the way and delivered the cigarettes along with the story. I do know that we stood there looking at the car with my dad a few hours later and he said "damn you idiots were lucky" (a line I would repeat almost verbatim to my own son under very similar circumstances some 32 years later . . . ah the circle of life). I also remember him saying it with a bit of a wistful jealous tone. 

The following summer or the summer after that I found myself in the passenger seat with the same guy driving a faster car on the way to the beach because he definitely learned his lesson right? We had a group of friends in a car following us and at some point we thought it would be fun for me to lob empty beer cans out of the sunroof with the goal of trying to kill them I guess. After the sixth or seventh can, a third random car entered the picture and came flying-up next to us and it was a guy and his wife which didn't make any sense until he flashed his badge at us. Hmmm. Didn't see that coming. (I'm detecting a trend). 

We were probably doing about 85 mph in the eastbound lane at the time and I can still feel the centrifugal force of the hard left turn that bounced us across the grass median and "hey look we're headed west now." Boom. We ducked into a neighborhood, had a couple more beers while we waited for the coast to clear and an hour later we were Hans fucking Gruber sitting on the beach earning 20%. (You're a year too early on that reference . . . dad).     

(TO BE CONTINUED)      

Footnote

* Topsiders are really uncomfortable leather shoes. Their two fashion missions are to show people that you (a) are too cool for socks and (b) hate your fucking feet. 

** The Smokey and the Bandit bet was $80,000 if Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed could drive from Atlanta, Georgia to Texarkana, Texas, pick-up 400 cases of Coors beer and get it back to Atlanta in under 28 hours. Car chases, wrecked police cars and hilarity ensue. Seriously. It's a good time. I have no idea how it holds-up today but my poor kids are probably about to find out.  

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.