The Pre Super Tuesday II Presidential Power Rankings

Let's squeeze in a quick rankings update before the tires go completely flat on Marco Rubio's tricycle.

1. Hillary Clinton

It was close but we're going to give Hillary the top spot despite Bernie taking a chunk out of her momentum in Michigan. It also didn't help her credibility when she was apparently overcome by the methane leak in California and started talking gibberish about how the Reagans started a national conversation on HIV/AIDS back in the 80's. For those of you who weren't around back then, the Reagans started a national conversation about HIV/AIDS in the same way that your mom would start a Thanksgiving dinner conversation about your dad's drinking problem. She wouldn't and they didn't.

Nope. You can't use "Whitewater."

Hillary appears to still be operating under the delusion that she can make Republicans like her. She needs to understand that inventing nice things to say about Nancy Reagan isn't going to change the fact that most of them believe that she and Gaddafi used to share a Gmail account and played Words with Friends using missile codes.  

2. Donald Trump

There really isn't anything I can say about the Donald that you haven't heard somewhere else so instead, allow me to offer this little anecdote. Back when we had lives, the FGW and I went to an all day music festival at RFK Stadium that found us thirty feet from the stage swaying to the dulcet sounds of Toad the Wet Sprocket's Walk on the Ocean. As Toad finished and the crowd exhaled in one big collective yoga cool down, I noticed the demographics around me beginning to shift from granola to gravel. Before I knew it, the MC was on the stage asking the crowd if they were ready "TO HAVE THEIR MINDS RIPPED APART!?!?" (nice segue) at which point Henry Rollins burst onto stage screaming his brains out and we found ourselves in the middle of a mosh pit with the cast of Sons of Anarchy. I grabbed the FGW by the hand and we bolted for the back of the stadium like Keanu Reeves outrunning an explosion. 

So in that scenario, did Henry Rollins cause the crowd's behavior? Of course he did. Were the FGW and I in the wrong place at the wrong time? Yes we were. Did we stick around and start yelling "Henry Rollins sucks!"? No we did not because (a) we're not suicidal and (b) it wouldn't have changed anyone's opinion of Henry Rollins anyway. In a related story, 88% of Trump supporters said that they were as likely or more likely to vote for Trump in light of the ruckus that occurred in Chicago last week. 

3. Ted Cruz

There has been a lot of speculation among the pundits about why so many Democrats are voting for Trump. While it is true that many of them can't stand Hilary and don't lean left enough for Bernie, the real reason may be a case of addition by subtraction in that Trump winning the nomination would mean no Ted Cruz. To Democrats, the prospect of President Cruz is more frightening than a love child born of Karl Rove and Ann Coulter.

4. Bernie Sanders

The Bern scored a nice win in Michigan but let's face it, his campaign has the permanency of a game of hacky sack at a Phish concert. When it's over, we'll all agree that it was fun while it lasted but dude, those are the opening chords of Sample in a Jar.

5. Marco Rubio

Down in front!

The doomed bobsled ride that Chris Christie started by cutting his brakes and giving him a big push in New Hampshire appears to be coming to an end as indicated by the sparse turnout at this rally in Hialeah last week. You have to give Rubio credit for one thing. At least he initiated the juvenile back and forth with Trump in Houston that led to Trump assuring everyone that there was no problem with his manhood. If not for that, we may never have touched the bottom of the campaign pool.

DFL. America

We're fucked.

Email the Fantasy Golf Report . . .  fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.     

Downton Abbey Recap: Season 6, Episode 9

[If you've been looking for the Episode 8 recap, you can call-off your search because it never happened. Then again, Episode 8 barely happened so maybe the FGR's omission was in itself a clever bit of criticism. At least that's what we'll tell ourselves].

Regular readers of the Fantasy Golf Report know that I have an affinity for many things British such as the British Open, British porn stars and drinking as a problem solving tool. How else to explain my borderline obsession with a TV show that seemingly has no place among my list of all-time favorites which are (in approximate order): The Wire, The Sopranos, Friday Night Lights, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, The Shield, The Americans, Hill Street Blues, Homeland and 24.* (That's a lot of booze and violence. Feels like I may be compensating a bit).   

I think it had to with the fact that just about every fifth line of dialogue was a barb fired at someone. And when the show was at it's best, you'd have two characters trading verbal baskets like Larry Bird and Dominique Wilkins in their classic game 7 from 1988 (still compensating). Whatever it was, it got me and now I feel the need to say goodbye with one final entry (no I'm not crying, you're crying . . . shut-up!). 

Let's dispense with some of the throw away story lines first. We had Tom and Henry opening a Carmax with an inventory that a sloth could count on one hand. We're glad to see that Henry is going to have something to get him out of the house because he's going to be a father and you don't want to be sitting around the abbey all day with your kid asking a bunch of annoying questions like "who are you?" as Barrow gives him a piggy back ride while trying to pour the brandy in a manner that will win Mr. Carson's approval (more on that later).

I feel ya Spratt.
Idiots abound.

Septimus Spratt had his moonlighting job validated by the Countess (in your FACE Denker!). Spratt and I actually have much in common. We both toil away at night as anonymous writers while busting our humps at a thankless day job to keep food on the table. We both have a cousin who tends to run afoul of the law. And we both tend to wear a look of constant disapproval. 

Daisy got a haircut which momentarily made her more attractive until she started speaking again at which point I wanted Mrs. Patmore to turn her face into the shape of a frying pan Wil E. Coyote style. 

Molesly was offered a promotion and, despite spending his whole life longing for the very opportunity that was presented to him, he figured he better mull it over a bit before giving-up his job as a guy who carries tea around and is regarded about as highly as Lord Grantham's fifth favorite bathrobe.   

Lord Merton got some unexpected good news when he learned that he din't have pernicious anemia (death sentence) but instead had iron deficiency anemia (take two pills and call me in the morning). This was heart-warming but, with all due respect to the Baron, who gives a shit about Lord Merton. I guess when Julian Fellowes was doling-out more happy endings than a strip mall massage parlor, he realized that Isobel didn't have one so bring on Lord Merton. On the other hand, it did lead to the classic line he dropped on his son like an anvil when he basically said, "Larry, you're my son so the rules say I have to love you but I never really liked you . . . asshole." If you don't watch the show, trust me, Larry deserved it.

The centerpiece of the finale was of course the fact that Herbert grew a pair worthy of the 7th Marquess of Hexham and came back for Edith. Anyone who didn't see this coming probably found the ending of Titanic far more suspenseful than then rest of us. This led to a temporary burying of the hatchet between Edith and Mary. At least until the first time Mary gets hammered and asks Marigold in front of everyone if she ever wonders what happened to her real daddy. For now, however, everything is blissful for the nobility, especially for Lord Grantham who finally managed to get his daughters married off and, more importantly, lived to see it happen (I would've lost that bet). 

Grab our sticks and a bottle
of rye Barrow. We're going
out for a booze nine.

The only character who didn't find himself a love connection was Mr. Barrow but we need to keep in mind that (a) he's gay, (b) this is England in 1928 and (c) he's a gay man in 1928 England. Remember how that worked-out for Alen Turing in The Imitation Game (Spoiler Alert: Not well). Barrow will have to settle for the consolation prize of getting re-hired as the lead butler at a Division I house after getting a taste of life working for the Havercamps. At least he'll have the ever patient and amenable Mr. Carson looking over his shoulder to make sure he doesn't screw it up.

And with that, we say goodbye to a show that captivated the hearts of housewives, interior decoraters, English literature professors and me. Now let's fire-up season 4 of The Americans. I'm ready to see some dead bodies stuffed in suitcases again.

Foonotes

* When making these lists, you have to seperate comedies from dramas. Anybody who makes a list that contains both Bosom Buddies and The Wire is a jackass.  

Fantasy Golf: The Valspar Championship Preview

I'm an idiot but we already kind of knew that. Case in point, I concluded last week's preview by writing, "So after spending a paragraph making a case for the four guys you should absolutely choose from this week, we added a paragraph manufacturing a bunch of sketchy excuses for why we're picking someone else. And we wonder why we're in a slump." I then proceeded to pick Rickie Fowler* over the aforementioned four guys who were Adam Scott, Bubba Watson, Dustin Johnson and J.B. Holmes. So theoretically I still had a 50% chance of screwing-up the pick but not really when you consider that:

(A) I had already used D.J. so he wasn't part of my equation (which is really the only solace I can take from this debacle after his Sunday 79); and 

(b) I would never pick a borderline second tier player like Holmes in a WGC caliber event.

That left Scott and Watson who of course finished 1-2 and systematically ruined my Sunday afternoon by dominating the back nine. I tried to get my heart into rooting for Danny Willett but when it comes to his resume, we'll quote the great Richard Masur** and say, "you've done a lot of solid work here but it's just not Ivy League now is it?" His tee shot into the water on 18 was very University of Illinois. I never really considered Rory because he's in one of those spazzy Rory ruts where he plays one round per tournament like a guy who lost a contact lens which may also explain his choice of shirts. We'll wait until he sorts-out his putting stroke and his wardrobe before calling his number.

In the meantime, we have to press-on to the next tournament because that's what fantasy golf writers do when they're not pondering how in the hell they wound-up being fantasy golf writers (Good Lord snap out of it man!). The Valspar Championship is played on the Copperhead Course at Innisbrook Resort and Golf Club on the left side of Florida. Along with Harbour Town, it's one of the few courses on tour where it doesn't help to be Bubba or J.B. which is why most of the bombers aren't playing and those who do probably won't fare very well (Gary Woodland won here in 2011 but that was an anomaly). 

Aside from not being long off the tee, the players who have been historically successful at this event share one other trait. They are mind numbingly boring. Here are the winners from 2008-2014: John Senden, Kevin Streelman, Woodland, Luke Donald, Jim Furyk, Retief Goosen and Sean O'Hair. Holy shit someone pass me the Adderall and smelling salts before I lose consciousness and my forehead hits the coffee table. 

So with that trend in mind and because I'm not risking Jordan Spieth, I'm going with the player who makes watching paint dry feel like taking an Olympic luge run naked (it had to be naked right?). I don't even want to write his name here because I'm so disgusted with myself so you'll have to scroll down to see it. And to think it was less than a month ago that I was soaking in the glory of picking back to back winners. Can a brother get a little cheering-up from an award winning British actress with the same last name as this week's pick and her co-star from the critically acclaimed Girl on Girl Tickle Wards?

The Valspar Favorites

Thanks Carmel Moore.

1. Jordan Spieth - 5/1
2. Henrik Stenson - 11/1
3. Patrick Reed - 20/1
4. Danny Willett - 22/1
5. Louis Oostuizen - 28/1
6. Justin Thomas - 28/1
7. Charl Schwartzel - 30/1
8. Graeme McDowell - 30/1
9. Matt Kuchar - 33/1
10. Branden Grace - 33/1

Ten Guys We Like

Jordan Spieth - 5/1
Henrik Stenson - 11/1
Jason Dufner - 35/1
Harris English - 35/1
Ryan Moore - 45/1
Luke Donald - 45/1

Also thought you were superb in
Spicy Wrap Girls Lindsay Marie.

K.J. Choi - 45/1
John Senden - 70/1
Sean O'Hair - 80/1
Vijay Singh - 125/1

One and Done Pick: Ryan Moore

Sleeper Pick: Vijay Singh

Picks to Date

Hyundai:	Dustin Johnson	$148,000
Sony:	Matt Kuchar	$77,604
CareerBuilder:	Ryan Palmer	$75,897
Farmers	Brandt Snedeker	$1,170,000
Phoenix	Hideki Matsuyama	$1,170,000
Pebble Beach:	Jimmy Walker	$143,500
Northern Trust:	Sergio Garcia	$0
Honda:	Patrick Reed	$0
Cadillac:	Rickie Fowler	$197,500
	Total	$2,982,501

Footnote

* If Fowler doesn't play the 3rd hole six over on Friday and Saturday, he finishes tied for second and we're not having this conversation. Hey Rickie, you might want to add that hole to #15 at Scottsdale on your 2016 "Lets Try a New Strategy" list. You big dummy. (It's impossible to say anything really mean about Rickie. Believe me, if I can't do it, it's impossible).  

** If you've never seen Head Office with Masur, Rick Moranis, Judge Reinhold and Wallace Shawn, give the first hour a look the next time it's on Showtime 2 but shut it down as soon as the first seen with Father Guido Sarducci as the limo driver is over. That's the point where you realize they're trying to ruin it with a plot and a message.  

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Fantasy Golf: The WGC-Cadillac Championship Preview

You only need to look at the top of last year's leaderboard to discern the one element that every successful player will have to have in his game this week. Length. And what would you expect from a Donald Trump golf course? The course is gonna be huge. The crowd is gonna be huge. The tournament is gonna be huge. And you better be huge if you want to win it. 

This is about making golf great again and that means huge drives from huge stars. When it was pointed out that Brandt Snedeker's caddie sent the following tweet after last year's tournament, "Goodbye Dump International . . . what a terrible golf course!! #Bombersdelight," Trump responded, "the course just got 18 yards longer."* If you want chipping and putting, go watch the Marco Rubio Invitational. Oh right. He barely owns his own house much less his own golf tournament. And he is decidedly not huge.  

So now that we know what the players are up against, let's do a little analysis of guys who (a) did well at Doral in 2015, (b) are playing well now and (c) hit huge drives. Last year's top four were: (1) Dustin Johnson, (2) J.B. Holmes, (3) Bubba Watson and (4) Adam Scott. Every one of them has won or contended for a win over the last two weeks except Holmes but his last four finishes were T11, T11, T6, T6. Not too shabby. Most importantly, all four are currently ranked in the top ten in driving distance. So there is your list of obvious favorites.

And we're going to add one more. Rickie Fowler has finished top six in three of his four PGA Tour events this year and he won the HSBC Championship in Abu Dhabi back in January over the likes of Rory McIlroy, Jordan Spieth and Henrik Stenson. If he could have figured-out how to play #15 at Scottsdale, he'd have two quality wins in a little over a month. He's currently 30th in driving distance (good enough) and he finished T12 at Doral last year. Maybe more importantly, he's not an obvious play at any other significant events unless you like him at the Players where he won last year but that's such a crapshoot on a course that Brandt Snedeker's caddie might like even less than Doral. 

So after spending a paragraph making a case for the four guys you should absolutely choose from this week, we added a paragraph manufacturing a bunch of sketchy excuses for why we're picking someone else. And we wonder why we're in a slump. 

The WGC-Cadillac Favorites

Googling "Rickie Fowler's
girlfriend " is always fun.

1. Rory McIlroy - 8/1
2. Jordan Spieth - 11/1
3. Bubba Watson - 11/1
4. Dustin Johnson - 11/1
5. Adam Scott - 12/1
6. Jason Day - 12/1
7. Rickie Fowler - 14/1
8. Justin Rose - 22/1
9. Henrik Stenson - 22/1
10. Sergio Garcia  - 28/1

Ten Guys We Like

Bubba Watson - 11/1
Dustin Johnson - 11/1
Adam Scott - 12/1
Rickie Fowler - 14/1
Patrick Reed - 30/1
J.B. Holmes - 30/1
Bill Haas - 66/1

Even when it turns-up people
Rickie's probably never met.

Graeme McDowell - 66/1
Jamie Donaldson - 125/1
Robert Streb - 150/1

One and Done Pick: Rickie Fowler

Sleeper Pick: Jamie Donaldson

Footnote

* The interaction is fictional but the tweet and the fact that the course was lengthened by 18 yards are real. Trump later added that the cost to lengthen the course would come out of Snedeker's prize money. 

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.