Fantasy Golf: Waste Management Phoenix Open Preview

One aspect of the day job I maintain to supplement the income from this endeavor is being part of the decision to fire people who fuck around and find out.* It's both ironic and appropriate when you consider my lifelong quest for walking straight into the types of situations that lead to fireable offenses. I'm like the Jason and the Argonauts of doing stupid shit.   

Fortunately, I discovered the construction business (or it discovered me). Either way, it probably maintains about the lowest personal conduct expectations this side of the NFL . . . or the United States Congress. 

Yet some still find a way to do things that make you go "really?" and that's where I come in. Invariably, many of these situations begin with some innocent "horseplay" (actual word used) which leads me to wonder how many occupations still engage in regular horseplay. Pretty much just firemen, longshoremen and major league baseball players right? 

I've worked in a couple law firms and never really encountered any horseplay and I'd assume the same thing about accounting firms but, then again, I wouldn't put it past those nerds as I've seen them do some pretty fucked-up shit. I don't think there's a lot of horseplay while they're taking inventory at The Gap, making the donuts at Krispy Kreme or plotting the end of civilization at Facebook but I could be wrong.

Maybe we need to bring horseplay back. A little friendly jostling, the occasional game of keep away with a fanny pack and a few well-placed whoopie cushions might be just what this country needs to loosen-up. Just don't cross the imaginary line or I'll have to fire your ass.  

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Ruth Langmore straight-up asked the question that has plagued those of us who periodically make this reference but fuck-up the timing because we have to pause and think, "wait, the numbers are backwards right?"

GOLF ANALYSIS WITH A SHOT OF PICKLE JUICE

We showed some signs of life for the second week in a row as my top ten picks included Tom Hoge (1st), Patrick Cantlay (T4), Andrew Putnam (T6), Nick Taylor (T14) and Jason Day (T24). Of course my other five missed the cut but you can't expect me to do everything around here.

We have an absolutely loaded field this week with six of the top ten and fifteen of the top twenty. We also have the last seven winners in Brooks Koepka (2), Hideki Matsuyama (2), Webb Simpson, Gary Woodland and Rickie Fowler. Add in the boozy raucousness and there is nothing not to love about the golf this week. 

From 2014-2017, Hideki went T4, T2, 1st, 1st before leveling-off the last four years including a W/D in 2018 which was, of course, the year I picked him (totally over it). This year he comes in on a roll after winning two of his last four events so this may be a bit of a gamble because what are the odds of him winning three out of five? A real gambling website would probably know that. 

Xander Schauffele and Bubba Watson have had similar levels of success here. Both are due for a win so I may shuffle this pick to one of them or Tony Finau. Or Webb Simpson. (Come on Ronny think goddammit!) This would be a good time to note that the guy in the hotel room next to mine left his TV on the entire night and this morning my FitBit described my sleep status from 3:30 a.m. to 5:15 a.m. as "stifled rage." 

The rest of the picks are solid. Trust me. Especially Nate Lashley who will definitely finish top twenty. I have an irrational confidence in guys named "Nate." I mean at some point they endured being "Nathan" and made it this far so the "Ronalds" of the world tend to respect them.  

One and Done Pick: Hideki Matsuyama

The juxtaposition of this 
picture with the informaion
on the left provides a good
opportunity for me to renew
my complaint about Google
changing their blog format
for the worse. Much worse.

Other Guy I'd Pick: Xander Schauffele

Sleeper Pick: Nate Lashley

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Hideki Matsuyama	$10,400
Xander Schauffele	$9,700
Bubba Watson	$9,000
Tony Finau	$8,900
Webb Simpson	$8,600
Harris English	$8,000
Max Homa	$7,600
Matt Kuchar	$7,400
Branden Grace	$7,100
Nate Lashley	$6,700

Fortunately no comedic geniuses died (as far as we know) so we'll pay tribute to the most prominent death of the week. 

                              THE 2022 WINTER OLYMPICS MEMORIAL 

                                 HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

Seriously, it was unwatchable before I saw the ski jumping from Three Mile Island.** Anyway, there are certainly a lot of top ten finishes sprinkled throughout that chart to draw your attention. Does Rickie Fowler catch lightning in a bottle? Gary Woodland? Chez Reavie??? . . . Nah. 

	DK Price	2021	2020	2019	2018	2017
Jon Rahm	$11,600	T13	T9	T10	T11	T16
Justin Thomas	$11,000	T13	T3	3rd	T17	MC
Patrick Cantlay	$10,700	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Hideki Matsuyama	$10,400	T42	T16	T15	W/D	1st
Viktor Hovland	$10,200	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Jordan Spieth	$9,900	T4	MC	DNP	MC	T9
Xander Schauffele	$9,700	T2	T16	T10	T17	DNP
Brooks Koepka	$9,400	1st	DNP	DNP	DNP	T42
Sam Burns	$9,300	T22	MC	MC	DNP	DNP
Daniel Berger	$9,200	MC	T9	MC	T11	T7
Scottie Scheffler	$9,100	T7	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Bubba Watson	$9,000	T22	T3	T4	T40	MC
Tony Finau	$8,900	DNP	2nd	MC	MC	MC
Matt Fitzpatrick	$8,700	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Webb Simpson	$8,600	T42	1st	T20	MC	2nd
Adam Scott	$8,500	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Seamus Power	$8,400	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP
Corey Conners	$8,300	T17	T45	DNP	DNP	DNP
Russell Henley	$8,200	T30	MC	T15	MC	T16
Tom Hoge	$8,100	MC	T25	T44	MC	DNP
Harris English	$8,000	MC	T16	MC	MC	T57
Abraham Ancer	$7,900	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP
Billy Horschel	$7,900	T53	T9	T39	T43	T24
Harold Varner, III	$7,800	T13	MC	MC	T10	T38
Talor Gooch	$7,800	MC	T61	MC	DNP	DNP
Luke List	$7,700	T30	T25	MC	T26	MC
Maverick McNealy	$7,700	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Max Homa	$7,600	T42	T6	T26	DNP	DNP
Rickie Fowler	$7,600	MC	T37	1st	T11	T4
Andrew Putnam	$7,500	T7	MC	MC	DNP	DNP
Keith Mitchell	$7,500	MC	T16	73rd	DNP	DNP
Si Woo Kim	$7,500	T50	MC	MC	T62	MC
Joel Dahmen	$7,400	MC	W/D	MC	DNP	DNP
Kevin Kisner	$7,400	DNP	DNP	T26	DNP	DNP
Matt Kuchar	$7,400	T42	T16	T4	T5	T9
Brian Harman	$7,300	T36	T49	T39	DNP	T24
Gary Woodland	$7,300	MC	T40	T7	1st	MC
K.H. Lee	$7,300	T2	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Russell Knox	$7,300	T53	T16	T10	MC	MC
Cameron Davis	$7,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Charles Howell, III	$7,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Denny McCarthy	$7,200	MC	T59	T33	DNP	DNP
Keegan Bradley	$7,200	T22	T49	T67	T43	MC
Aaron Wise	$7,100	66th	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Alex Noren	$7,100	DNP	DNP	T44	T21	DNP
Branden Grace	$7,100	DNP	T9	2nd	DNP	DNP
Kevin Streelman	$7,100	T22	MC	T50	T40	MC
Pat Perez	$7,100	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	W/D
Carlos Ortiz	$7,000	T4	T25	T60	DNP	DNP
Francesco Molinari	$7,000	DNP	DNP	DNP	T40	DNP
Matt Jones	$7,000	T30	MC	DNP	DNP	T36
Mito Pereira	$7,000	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Troy Merritt	$7,000	MC	MC	DNP	DNP	T24
Adam Hadwin	$6,900	T50	T40	T44	T43	T12
Brendon Todd	$6,900	T22	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Chris Kirk	$6,900	MC	MC	T50	T11	T34
Hudson Swafford	$6,900	MC	T9	DNP	MC	DNP
Chez Reavie	$6,800	MC	MC	T4	2nd	MC
Martin Laird	$6,800	MC	T55	T26	T9	T7
Zach Johnson	$6,800	T42	MC	T39	T57	T12
Beau Hossler	$6,700	MC	66th	T39	T17	DNP
Charley Hoffman	$6,700	MC	T40	T20	T26	T24
Emiliano Grillo	$6,700	T22	MC	T33	T57	T63
Nate Lashley	$6,700	T17	T3	DNP	DNP	DNP
Brandt Snedeker	$6,500	DNP	MC	T55	T23	DNP
Brendan Steele	$6,500	T30	MC	MC	T3	T16
Patton Kizzire	$6,500	T50	T61	MC	T31	T57

Footnote

* I think "fuck around and find out" is my favorite expression of this young decade because it can be used in so many situations from deciding whether a bar fight is a good idea to calculating your chances of getting caught for committing a crime like say, trying to stage a ham-handed coup. Yes you've done your ill-informed calculations but will you really know until you grab him on the shoulder whether the guy who just cut in front of you while you're trying to order a Jim Beam and Coke at the Cheesecake Factory is an amateur MMA fighter? No. So go ahead. Fuck around and find out. Maybe everyone else will get a fun story to tell. 

** The Three Mile Island Incident is worth five minutes on Wikipedia for those who are too young to remember it or didn't live within radioactive cloud range of it where it happened. 

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