Fantasy Golf: Valspar Championship Preview

Broken arm update. We have officially moved into the "there is nothing about this that doesn't suck" phase which comes after the "hey it could have been worse" phase and before the "counting down the days until this hunk of fucking plaster comes off and I can sleep without giving myself a concussion" phase. 

The good news is that the interim check went well and the doctor said that the jagged piece of bone protruding from my ulna is nothing to worry about. One day a group of medical students will reach the inescapable conclusion that I was either (a) made of glass or (b) the world's worst stuntman (both answers are correct).

Oh yeah. If you want to see the writer hit a golf ball with one arm, here you go. Desperation is apparently the wicked step-mother of invention. 

TWEET OF THE WEEK

In true Golf Channel fashion, they were in split-screen mode last week with the undead lady from Fisher Investments droning on about how THEY are actually the financial institution who is more interested in making you money than fleecing you when Graeme McDowell made a hole-in-one. This tweet and reply say it all better than I ever could.

GOLF ANALYSIS

So let's dispense with the accolades. Yes I picked the winner last week after a brutal slump which would almost lead you to believe that I was lucky. And sure, picking the winner of the Zurich Classic is like picking the winner of an international figure skating competition with all Russian judges but a win is a win.

Because you have done me the courtesy of reading this, I will tell you that I've never gotten this tournament right. In looking back at past previews of this event, it is clear that (a) I thought way too highly of Ryan Moore, (b) I used to write twice as much, and (c) at least 30% of my "research" was devoted to finding pictures of scantily clad ladies. I am proud to say that I have evolved as a person and now rely on an economy of well-chosen words to draw a dinner theater sized crowd in this joint every week.

When in doubt, pick Patrick Reed. Fuck it. Might as well add a little self-hate to your uncertainty and who knows? Maybe it'll pay-off. I'm backing him up with steady picks Corey Conners, Sungjae Im and Jason Kokrak who apparently loves this track. I actually feel really good about this line-up (kiss of death).

I've taken enough shots at Cameron Tringale that he's earned a pick. Let's hope he gets it done in this field that is watered down by his own standard (I don't make the rules). The rest of the picks are undervalued veterans. Like myself.    

One and Done Pick: Patrick Reed

'MERICA!!!

Other Guy I'd Pick: Corey Conners

Sleeper Pick: Henrik Stenson

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Patrick Reed	$10,300
Corey Conners	$9,600
Sungjae Im	$9,200
Jason Kokrak	$8,700
Charley Hoffman	$8,600
Cameron Tringale	$8,400
Mackenzie Hughes	$7,400
Zach Johnson	$7,200
Rory Sabbatini	$7,100
Henrik Stenson	$7,000

                                   THE CHADWICK BOSEMAN (FUCK
                                 YOU ACADEMY AWARDS) MEMORIAL
                                 HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

A few interesting top tens sprinkled in here including the aforementioned Mr. Moore so if you think he can catch lightning in a bottle this week, check him out. Because nothing makes you think bolt of electricity like Ryan Moore.

	DK Price	2019	2018	2017	2016	2015
Justin Thomas	$11,500	DNP	DNP	MC	T18	T10
Dustin Johnson	$11,200	T6	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Viktor Hovland	$10,500	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Patrick Reed	$10,300	MC	T2	T38	T7	T2
Paul Casey	$10,000	1st	1st	DNP	DNP	DNP
Scottie Scheffler	$9,800	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Corey Conners	$9,600	DNP	T16	DNP	DNP	DNP
Louis Oosthuizen	$9,500	T2	T16	DNP	T7	DNP
Tyrell Hatton (O)	$9,400	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Abraham Ancer	$9,300	DNP	T16	DNP	DNP	DNP
Sungjae Im	$9,200	T4	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Joaquin Niemann	$9,100	T37	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Russell Henley	$9,000	T42	DNP	T9	MC	DNP
Bubba Watson	$8,900	T4	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP
Justin Rose	$8,800	DNP	T5	DNP	DNP	MC
Jason Kokrak	$8,700	T2	T8	T58	MC	T7
Charley Hoffman	$8,600	T18	MC	MC	T11	MC
Ryan Palmer	$8,500	DNP	T28	DNP	T42	DNP
Cameron Tringale	$8,400	MC	DNP	MC	MC	T17
Emiliano Grillo	$8,300	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC
Chris Kirk	$8,200	MC	T49	MC	T42	DNP
Max Homa	$8,100	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC
Kevin Na	$8,000	DNP	DNP	MC	T22	T10
Talor Gooch	$8,000	DNP	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Keegan Bradley	$7,900	MC	T31	T58	MC	DNP
Sam Burns	$7,900	T30	T12	DNP	DNP	DNP
Gary Woodland	$7,800	MC	DNP	T58	T42	MC
Kevin Streelman	$7,800	MC	MC	T18	MC	T40
Charles Howell, III	$7,700	DNP	T40	T49	T5	T10
Kevin Kisner	$7,700	T24	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Lucas Glover	$7,700	T13	T74	T18	MC	T24
Adam Hadwin	$7,600	MC	T12	1st	MC	71st
Branden Grace	$7,600	MC	T8	DNP	DNP	DNP
Erik Van Rooyen	$7,600	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Cameron Champ	$7,500	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Cameron Davis	$7,500	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Denny McCarthy	$7,500	T9	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Ian Poulter	$7,400	DNP	MC	T41	T67	T24
Lanto Griffin	$7,400	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Mackenzie Hughes	$7,400	T13	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Sam Horsefield	$7,400	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Brandt Snedeker	$7,300	T30	T31	DNP	DNP	T53
Doug Ghim	$7,300	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
J.T. Poston	$7,200	MC	DNP	T14	DNP	DNP
Patton Kizzire	$7,200	T60	DNP	MC	T33	DNP
Phil Mickelson	$7,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Zach Johnson	$7,200	T24	T16	DNP	DNP	DNP
Rory Sabbatini	$7,100	T18	T5	DNP	T42	MC
Russell Knox	$7,100	T24	T16	MC	T56	T33
Henrik Stenson	$7,000	T24	MC	T7	T11	4th
John Huh	$7,000	DNP	MC	T9	T22	T33
Keith Mitchell	$7,000	DNP	DNP	T11	DNP	DNP
Luke List	$7,000	DNP	T16	T27	MC	DNP
Tom Hoge	$7,000	MC	MC	DNP	MC	DNP
James Hahn	$6,900	DNP	DNP	T41	MC	DNP
Richy Werenski	$6,900	MC	MC	MC	DNP	DNP
Ryan Moore	$6,900	MC	MC	T18	3rd	5th
Martin Laird	$6,800	DNP	MC	MC	MC	T33
Rafa Cabrera-Bello	$6,800	T30	DNP	DNP	DNP	T44
Graeme McDowell	$6,700	T46	T40	T14	MC	DNP
Scott Stallings	$6,700	T9	T31	68th	MC	MC
Luke Donald	$6,000	T9	T64	MC	T22	T53

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