Way back in July of 2011 I wrote a recap of the British Open after Darren Clarke's win where I compared the tournament to Mad Men because "it seems like everyone including the kids in the gallery are smoking cigarettes, the announcers make a drinking reference every fifteen minutes and the winner essentially declares during his acceptance speech that he's going to get pissed drunk that night." I then declared it to be the "cool" major and went on to make some very lame general assessments of the other three (give me a break, it was like the seventh post in FGR history and I hadn't even started overusing parenthesis yet).*
So this random memory led me to wonder what TV show The Players Championship would be. At first I considered overrated shows that use cheap ploys and schlocky storylines to lure viewers like How I Met Your Mother, Sex and the City and This is Us. The problem is that I didn't feel right taking shots at shows I've never actually watched because I've deemed them beneath me intellectually (says the guy who watched every episode of Friends . . . and The Dukes of Hazzard . . . and Melrose Place). Let's keep moving shall we?
I had to look elsewhere. It would have to be some form of television with a really overblown ego combined with a huge inferiority complex to capture the constant self promotion of The Players and its hopelessly pathetic attempts to be regarded as the "5th Major."** (Footnotes are back this week so be sure to read to the bottom). It would also need to be something that relied on a lot of visual gimmicks to cover-up for the fact that, beneath all of the hype, there is zero substance (most who have played TPC Sawgrass are nodding in agreement). And as with most things, the answer was right in front of me all along.
The Players Championship is the 24-hour cable news of golf tournaments. Go ahead and pick the one out of the big three that you hate the most and think about it. The golf tournament that wants to be legitimized by being called a major is essentially the news networks that want to be legitimized by being called, well, news networks. Consider the following:
The 17th hole is the perfect golf metaphor for Wolf Blitzer's wonderful world of holography where its all about the production value and the actual news is an afterthought. (Wait, the 17th hole is just a 130 yard par 3? Yeah but get this . . . it's surrounded by water. With sharks? Well no but it's still quite scary).
Dan Hicks and Brian Williams were either separated at birth, developed in the same synthetics lab or both.
Johnny Miller is a cross between Bill O'Reilly and Chris Matthews. (Grandpa's cranky again!)
And Peter Jacobsen makes the rubes on Fox & Friends look like Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow and John Chancellor.
I will give The Players credit for creating a relatively entertaining TV show posing as a golf tournament but I will never understand why anyone takes it seriously. Pro golfer Paige Spirinac posted a poll on Twitter*** asking whether The Players should be a major. The poll had over 8,000 votes and the results so far are Yes - 44% and No - 56%. I can only believe that those "yes" voters are the same 44% who think that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. (OK that's really only 7% but I know that 7% is part of the 44%).
Here's how we know The Players is not a major: (1) Craig Perks won it for his only professional title and he only qualified for eight majors in his entire career making the cut in two of them; (2) From 1998 to 2007 as Tiger Woods was racking-up fourteen major titles and fourteen WGC titles, he only won The Players once; and (3) They play the final round on Mother's Day. Seriously? I know they're moving it to March next year but that's just absurd. If you want a full rant on that, check-out last year's preview that just cracked me up (God I'm a douche).
If The Players really wants to be in the major conversation, let's call it what it really is - the tournament you win when you're almost but not quite good enough to win a major. The list of guys who've won it and then gone on to eek-out one major later in their career is long and mildly distinguished: Hal Sutton (1983), Fred Couples (1984), Tom Kite (1989), Steve Elkington (1991), Davis Love, III (1992), David Duval (1999), Adam Scott (2004), Sergio Garcia (2008) and Henrik Stenson (2009). In fact, outside of Tiger (who won it again in 2013), the list of players who have won it twice at Sawgrass reads like the who's who of guys who underachieved by only winning one major (Couples, Sutton, Love and Elkington). Based on that, I can almost guarantee you that Sergio or Adam Scott will win another one.
Note, however, that this bodes well for recent winners Rickie Fowler and Matt Kuchar but they kind of help prove the point don't they? As do other almost (but not quite) major worthy types who have played well at Sawgrass like Ian Poulter, Luke Donald and Francesco Molinari. So what exactly do you call a golf tournament regularly won by players who appear almost ready to win a major but just need a little more time to mature. Hmmm . . . (scratching my chin and looking skyward) . . .
Despite all of this, I still have to forecast this turd which brings us to another reason why this tournament sucks. You can never count on a leaderboard stacked with the best golf has to offer at the time. Since 2009, the only guys to finish top five more than once are Rickie Fowler, Sergio Garcia, Jim Furyk, Ian Poulter and Ben Freakin' Crane a/k/a five guys who have combined to win two majors. Dustin Johnson has finished in the top twenty-five once in nine tries and Jordan Spieth has missed the cut the last three years. Check-out the chart below and note the almost completely random scattering of top ten finishes by all levels of players over the past five years. If this was a shot dispersion chart for an 8-iron, you'd assume the shaft was made out of linguine.
It also doesn't seem to matter if you've been playing well when you arrive as Si Woo Kim proved last year having missed the cut or withdrawn from eleven of the sixteen events he played before winning The Players by three shots. Jason Day came in hot when he won in 2016 but Rickie Fowler was on a roll of mediocrity before his victory in 2015. I guess the one thing you could say is that the course favors ball strikers over the putters and doesn't seem to care where you're from which would explain the somewhat consistent success of players like Sergio, Henrik Stenson and Adam Scott. With that in mind, I give you the following ten man roster of multinational golfers who have as good a shot to win as anybody led by FGR pick of the week and future multiple major runner-up Alex Noren. I can envision him now taking the lead on the back nine just as I turn-off the TV and sit down to Mother's Day dinner.
The One and Done Pick: Alex Noren
The Other Guy I'd Pick: Justin Thomas
The Sleeper Pick: Rory Sabbatini
The DraftKings Top Ten Values
I suppose the two glaring omissions are Day who just won at Quail Hollow and Rory McIlroy who is the one top player with a respectable recent track record. Let's start with Day who, aside from his win and a tie for 6th in 2011, has been ok to awful at The Players with three missed cuts and a tie for 60th last year. I see a few typical Sawgrass bad bounces bothering him early and causing a lack of interest going into the weekend. As for Rory, I don't think he's all the way back yet and the second round 76 last week has me nervous because that could be an 82 at Sawgrass. On the other hand, he's probably going to blister this course one year and win by double digits. If you think this is the year, you have my blessing to pick him.
THE LINGUINE SHAFT DISPERSION CHART
Footnotes
* It's amazing how raw and unrefined I was back then as opposed to the graceful, dignified writer I have evolved into since. I kind of miss the unbridled bitterness I had on display back then. May need to work on getting some of that back and no better time to start than the present.
** Arguably the greatest dig at The Players and TPC Sawgrass came from Phil Mickelson after he missed the cut in 2015 and told the press room "I can't believe I've actually won here." Of course NBC then used a clip of that quote to promote the tournament in 2016 completely oblivious to the fact that he in no way meant it as a compliment.
*** As evidence that Twitter is humanity's black light for delusional thought, one guy responded to the poll by saying "I think the 'majors' are nothing more than another tournament. In my opinion the only major is the fed ex championship!" The exclamation point at the end leads me to believe that it's Dan Hicks tweeting under a fake account.
Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.
So this random memory led me to wonder what TV show The Players Championship would be. At first I considered overrated shows that use cheap ploys and schlocky storylines to lure viewers like How I Met Your Mother, Sex and the City and This is Us. The problem is that I didn't feel right taking shots at shows I've never actually watched because I've deemed them beneath me intellectually (says the guy who watched every episode of Friends . . . and The Dukes of Hazzard . . . and Melrose Place). Let's keep moving shall we?
I had to look elsewhere. It would have to be some form of television with a really overblown ego combined with a huge inferiority complex to capture the constant self promotion of The Players and its hopelessly pathetic attempts to be regarded as the "5th Major."** (Footnotes are back this week so be sure to read to the bottom). It would also need to be something that relied on a lot of visual gimmicks to cover-up for the fact that, beneath all of the hype, there is zero substance (most who have played TPC Sawgrass are nodding in agreement). And as with most things, the answer was right in front of me all along.
The Players Championship is the 24-hour cable news of golf tournaments. Go ahead and pick the one out of the big three that you hate the most and think about it. The golf tournament that wants to be legitimized by being called a major is essentially the news networks that want to be legitimized by being called, well, news networks. Consider the following:
The 17th hole is the perfect golf metaphor for Wolf Blitzer's wonderful world of holography where its all about the production value and the actual news is an afterthought. (Wait, the 17th hole is just a 130 yard par 3? Yeah but get this . . . it's surrounded by water. With sharks? Well no but it's still quite scary).
Dan Hicks and Brian Williams were either separated at birth, developed in the same synthetics lab or both.
 |
| FGR faithful meet Paige. Paige meet the derelicts. |
And Peter Jacobsen makes the rubes on Fox & Friends look like Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow and John Chancellor.
I will give The Players credit for creating a relatively entertaining TV show posing as a golf tournament but I will never understand why anyone takes it seriously. Pro golfer Paige Spirinac posted a poll on Twitter*** asking whether The Players should be a major. The poll had over 8,000 votes and the results so far are Yes - 44% and No - 56%. I can only believe that those "yes" voters are the same 44% who think that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. (OK that's really only 7% but I know that 7% is part of the 44%).
Here's how we know The Players is not a major: (1) Craig Perks won it for his only professional title and he only qualified for eight majors in his entire career making the cut in two of them; (2) From 1998 to 2007 as Tiger Woods was racking-up fourteen major titles and fourteen WGC titles, he only won The Players once; and (3) They play the final round on Mother's Day. Seriously? I know they're moving it to March next year but that's just absurd. If you want a full rant on that, check-out last year's preview that just cracked me up (God I'm a douche).
If The Players really wants to be in the major conversation, let's call it what it really is - the tournament you win when you're almost but not quite good enough to win a major. The list of guys who've won it and then gone on to eek-out one major later in their career is long and mildly distinguished: Hal Sutton (1983), Fred Couples (1984), Tom Kite (1989), Steve Elkington (1991), Davis Love, III (1992), David Duval (1999), Adam Scott (2004), Sergio Garcia (2008) and Henrik Stenson (2009). In fact, outside of Tiger (who won it again in 2013), the list of players who have won it twice at Sawgrass reads like the who's who of guys who underachieved by only winning one major (Couples, Sutton, Love and Elkington). Based on that, I can almost guarantee you that Sergio or Adam Scott will win another one.
 |
| This layout makes me feel like I'm going shopping for a training bra. |
Despite all of this, I still have to forecast this turd which brings us to another reason why this tournament sucks. You can never count on a leaderboard stacked with the best golf has to offer at the time. Since 2009, the only guys to finish top five more than once are Rickie Fowler, Sergio Garcia, Jim Furyk, Ian Poulter and Ben Freakin' Crane a/k/a five guys who have combined to win two majors. Dustin Johnson has finished in the top twenty-five once in nine tries and Jordan Spieth has missed the cut the last three years. Check-out the chart below and note the almost completely random scattering of top ten finishes by all levels of players over the past five years. If this was a shot dispersion chart for an 8-iron, you'd assume the shaft was made out of linguine.
It also doesn't seem to matter if you've been playing well when you arrive as Si Woo Kim proved last year having missed the cut or withdrawn from eleven of the sixteen events he played before winning The Players by three shots. Jason Day came in hot when he won in 2016 but Rickie Fowler was on a roll of mediocrity before his victory in 2015. I guess the one thing you could say is that the course favors ball strikers over the putters and doesn't seem to care where you're from which would explain the somewhat consistent success of players like Sergio, Henrik Stenson and Adam Scott. With that in mind, I give you the following ten man roster of multinational golfers who have as good a shot to win as anybody led by FGR pick of the week and future multiple major runner-up Alex Noren. I can envision him now taking the lead on the back nine just as I turn-off the TV and sit down to Mother's Day dinner.
 |
| A reference to The Other Guys can really only mean one thing. |
The Other Guy I'd Pick: Justin Thomas
The Sleeper Pick: Rory Sabbatini
The DraftKings Top Ten Values
Justin Thomas
|
$10,800
|
Rickie Fowler
|
$9,600
|
Sergio Garcia
|
$9,000
|
F. Molinari
|
$8,100
|
Alex Noren
|
$7,900
|
Matt Kuchar
|
$7,800
|
Emiliano Grillo
|
$7,500
|
Chesson Hadley
|
$7,400
|
Kyle Stanley
|
$7,200
|
Rory Sabbatini
|
$6,700
|
I suppose the two glaring omissions are Day who just won at Quail Hollow and Rory McIlroy who is the one top player with a respectable recent track record. Let's start with Day who, aside from his win and a tie for 6th in 2011, has been ok to awful at The Players with three missed cuts and a tie for 60th last year. I see a few typical Sawgrass bad bounces bothering him early and causing a lack of interest going into the weekend. As for Rory, I don't think he's all the way back yet and the second round 76 last week has me nervous because that could be an 82 at Sawgrass. On the other hand, he's probably going to blister this course one year and win by double digits. If you think this is the year, you have my blessing to pick him.
THE LINGUINE SHAFT DISPERSION CHART
DK Price
|
2017
|
2016
|
2015
|
2014
|
2013
|
|
Rory McIlroy
|
$11,600
|
T35
|
T12
|
T8
|
T6
|
T8
|
Jason Day
|
$11,400
|
T60
|
1st
|
MC
|
DNP
|
T19
|
Jordan Spieth
|
$11,100
|
MC
|
MC
|
MC
|
T4
|
DNP
|
Justin Thomas
|
$10,800
|
T75
|
T3
|
T24
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Dustin Johnson
|
$10,300
|
T12
|
T28
|
T69
|
T59
|
W/D
|
Rickie Fowler
|
$9,600
|
T60
|
MC
|
1st
|
T77
|
MC
|
Jon Rahm
|
$9,300
|
T72
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Justin Rose
|
$9,100
|
T65
|
T19
|
MC
|
T4
|
MC
|
Sergio Garcia
|
$9,000
|
T30
|
T54
|
T2
|
3rd
|
T8
|
Paul Casey
|
$8,900
|
T22
|
T23
|
W/D
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Henrik Stenson
|
$8,800
|
T16
|
MC
|
T17
|
T34
|
T5
|
Patrick Reed
|
$8,700
|
T22
|
MC
|
T24
|
MC
|
DNP
|
Tiger Woods
|
$8,600
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
T69
|
DNP
|
1st
|
H. Matsuyama
|
$8,500
|
T22
|
T7
|
T17
|
T23
|
DNP
|
Phil Mickelson
|
$8,400
|
T41
|
MC
|
MC
|
MC
|
MC
|
B. DeChambeau
|
$8,300
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
T. Fleetwood
|
$8,200
|
T41
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
F. Molinari
|
$8,100
|
T6
|
T7
|
DNP
|
T6
|
MC
|
Kevin Kisner
|
$8,000
|
T56
|
MC
|
T2
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Alex Noren
|
$7,900
|
10th
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Bubba Watson
|
$7,900
|
MC
|
T43
|
T42
|
T48
|
T37
|
Ian Poulter
|
$7,800
|
T2
|
T57
|
T30
|
T65
|
MC
|
Matt Kuchar
|
$7,800
|
82nd
|
T3
|
MC
|
T17
|
T48
|
Brooks Koepka
|
$7,700
|
T16
|
T35
|
MC
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
L. Oosthuizen
|
$7,700
|
T2
|
T28
|
T69
|
MC
|
T19
|
Marc Leishman
|
$7,700
|
MC
|
T64
|
T24
|
T23
|
T8
|
Billy Horschel
|
$7,600
|
MC
|
T28
|
T13
|
T26
|
MC
|
Daniel Berger
|
$7,600
|
T65
|
T9
|
MC
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Brian Harman
|
$7,500
|
T53
|
T54
|
T8
|
MC
|
MC
|
Emiliano Grillo
|
$7,500
|
11th
|
MC
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Patrick Cantlay
|
$7,500
|
T22
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Tony Finau
|
$7,500
|
MC
|
MC
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Zach Johnson
|
$7,500
|
T48
|
T54
|
T13
|
T26
|
T19
|
Adam Scott
|
$7,400
|
T6
|
T12
|
T38
|
T38
|
T19
|
Brandt Snedeker
|
$7,400
|
DNP
|
MC
|
MC
|
T48
|
T8
|
Chesson Hadley
|
$7,400
|
DNP
|
MC
|
T24
|
MC
|
DNP
|
Kevin Chappell
|
$7,400
|
T35
|
2nd
|
MC
|
T26
|
T68
|
Luke List
|
$7,400
|
MC
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
R. Cabrera-Bello
|
$7,400
|
T4
|
MC
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Tyrell Hatton
|
$7,400
|
T41
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Adam Hadwin
|
$7,300
|
T30
|
T39
|
MC
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Pat Perez
|
$7,300
|
T22
|
DNP
|
T17
|
T48
|
MC
|
Webb Simpson
|
$7,300
|
T16
|
DNP
|
T66
|
MC
|
T19
|
Brendan Steele
|
$7,200
|
T6
|
T57
|
MC
|
T26
|
MC
|
Charley Hoffman
|
$7,200
|
T30
|
MC
|
T30
|
T38
|
T37
|
Chris Kirk
|
$7,200
|
T12
|
W/D
|
T13
|
T13
|
T55
|
Gary Woodland
|
$7,200
|
T75
|
T28
|
MC
|
T11
|
DNP
|
Jason Dufner
|
$7,200
|
T60
|
T49
|
MC
|
T48
|
T62
|
Jimmy Walker
|
$7,200
|
T56
|
MC
|
MC
|
T6
|
T15
|
Kevin Na
|
$7,200
|
W/D
|
MC
|
T6
|
T38
|
DNP
|
Kyle Stanley
|
$7,200
|
T4
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
71st
|
T33
|
Russell Henley
|
$7,200
|
T35
|
MC
|
T24
|
T17
|
MC
|
Si Woo Kim
|
$7,200
|
1st
|
T23
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
Kevin Streelman
|
$7,100
|
T72
|
T74
|
MC
|
MC
|
T2
|
Lucas Glover
|
$7,100
|
T6
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
MC
|
MC
|
Russell Knox
|
$7,100
|
MC
|
T19
|
T17
|
T34
|
DNP
|
Bill Haas
|
$7,000
|
MC
|
T43
|
T4
|
T26
|
MC
|
Martin Kaymer
|
$6,900
|
T69
|
T39
|
T56
|
1st
|
T43
|
Ryan Palmer
|
$6,900
|
MC
|
T23
|
MC
|
T59
|
T5
|
Rory Sabbatini
|
$6,700
|
DNP
|
DNP
|
T6
|
T38
|
71st
|
Footnotes
* It's amazing how raw and unrefined I was back then as opposed to the graceful, dignified writer I have evolved into since. I kind of miss the unbridled bitterness I had on display back then. May need to work on getting some of that back and no better time to start than the present.
** Arguably the greatest dig at The Players and TPC Sawgrass came from Phil Mickelson after he missed the cut in 2015 and told the press room "I can't believe I've actually won here." Of course NBC then used a clip of that quote to promote the tournament in 2016 completely oblivious to the fact that he in no way meant it as a compliment.
*** As evidence that Twitter is humanity's black light for delusional thought, one guy responded to the poll by saying "I think the 'majors' are nothing more than another tournament. In my opinion the only major is the fed ex championship!" The exclamation point at the end leads me to believe that it's Dan Hicks tweeting under a fake account.
Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.
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