Fantasy Golf: AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am Preview

I would like an explanation for why this tournament has to suck as an entertainment product. You have one of the most beautiful golf courses in the world and celebrities playing with pros. Just invite some relevant funny people who can play a little golf, mike them up and get the fuck out of the way. How hard would that be? Instead, here is your line-up of "talent" that will go through the same hackneyed on course bits that we've been treated to since Bill Murray's antics were still considered novel.

Alfonso Ribeiro: He's the actor who fell ass-backward into two piles of money playing the  sidekicks of Ricky Schroder in Silver Spoons and Will Smith in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Other than doing The Carlton Dance on the green at Pebble Beach which is never not forced and unfunny, he has not had a performing role since 2015 and he has not had a performing role in anything you've heard of since . . . scrolling . . . scrolling . . . The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. 

  

Tom Dreesen: Tom's claim to fame is actually a good one as he teamed-up with WKRP in Cincinnati's Tim Reid (a/k/a Venus Flytrap) to form the first biracial stand-up comedy duo in 1968 called Tim and Tom. Apparently it didn't work despite all of the creative energy they devoted to naming the act but I applaud the effort which may have been just a few years ahead of its time . . . like twenty. Back in the 70's Dreesen would open for Frank Sinatra and he appeared regularly on the Match Game which is another underrated career stop. But from there it looks like nothing but bit part acting roles in things like Murder She Wrote and Touched by an Angel which is what people who are now in their 70's used to fall asleep to on Sunday nights after being regaled by Andy Rooney. Apparently Jackie Mason has developed the yips and refuses to play.  

Larry the Cable Guy: No. Just no.

Ray Romano: At least he's still relevant having starred in what looks like a solid T.V. version of Get Shorty with the all-world Chris O'Dowd but doesn't it feel like Ray has grown-out of this event having been briefly funny with Kevin James for a year or two before they both got so rich that they didn't give a fuck anymore? Why not invite Chris O'Dowd to play? He's Irish which means that he probably has some game and it might be like getting to watch a somewhat self-aware David Feherty again.               

The only celebrity playing who I want to see with a microphone anywhere near him is Michael Pena because he makes every movie he's in better. Specifically The Martian which is the greatest movie ever made if your criteria is how often I land on it for way longer than I should considering how many times I've already seen it. Of course, using that criteria, the greatest movie of all-time before The Martian was Big Trouble in Little China so there you go. 

"I was told that someone emailed
Condoleezza Rice but we got an
out of office reply. So we tried."

Oh yeah one more thing before I get to the expert analysis. The AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am website features twenty-five celebrities including the ones I mentioned above, a bunch of athletes, some other actors, a chef and a slew of country music people (to play music that this crowd will look only slightly less awkward dancing to) but you know what they all have in common? They're all dudes. Sure there are some ladies in the amateur field (at least I hope there are) but none worthy of a celebrity mention on the website. Way to read the room fellas. You could have at least invited Bea Arthur's dick.  

Ok enough snark. Let's get golfy.

The last two weeks I have correctly advised away from picking the favorites (Jon Rahm, Justin Thomas and Rory McIlroy) and pointed you in the direction of the winners (Justin Rose and Rickie Fowler). Well that changes this week as one of the two overwhelming favorites (Dustin Johnson and Jason Day) is going to win this damn thing or die trying. Since 2008 when D.J. finished tied for 7th, he has added two wins, two runner-ups and three other top fives. The only reason you don't pick D.J. this week is because you (a) burned him in Hawaii or (b) want to save him for Riviera next week or the U.S. Open which will be back at Pebble Beach in June. There are no other valid reasons and no you may not save him for the FedEx St. Jude Classic because he's won it twice. If you pull that crap, I will find you and mock you when he finishes tied for 37th.  

If you do decide to go with Plan B, then Jason Day is a very respectable option. During that same 2008 - 2018 timeframe he has six top six finishes at the AT&T including a runner-up last year. The only issue could be some dicey weather and Jason's propensity to feel poopy. The forecast is currently calling for temps in the 50's and rain on Friday and Sunday. That means a long soft golf course which is good but it could also mean cold and flu symptoms. Stay tuned on this one because I may call a Twitter audible to Shane Lowry who is made of Gore-Tex.

We're going with a high/low theme this week as I don't see a lot of value in that Russell Henley, Charley Hoffman, Ted Potter, Jr. range (though I am intrigued by the prospects of Doug Ghim). Once you get past Brandt Snedeker at $8,200, you might as well go bargain hunting with Chesson Hadley, Scott Stallings and Jimmy Walker who had a stellar run here from 2011 through 2014 including a win before he struggled with illness. Last year he posted a tie for 8th despite entering the week on a run of three missed cuts and a tie for 68th so golf on the peninsula tends to bring out the best in him.    

As for the clearance rack players, I was so tempted to go with Davis Love, III at $6,700 because he''s won this event twice and he just finished 7th at the Sony Open but his best finish before that was a tie for 57th and last year he only made the cut in five out of twelve events so let's not get carried away. Patrick Rodgers is intriguing because he's got top five ability. Unfortunately he's three times more likely to miss the cut. Brian Gay or James Hahn is going to finish top twenty and the other one is going to finish tied for 57th. Fuck it. I'm going with Jame Hahn. Sabermetrics baby! (I don't think that means what you think it means).    

My 2019 mission in life is to play Pebble.
So let it be written, so let it be done.

One and Done Pick: Jason Day

Other Guy I'd Pick: Jordan Spieth

Sleeper Pick: Jimmy Walker

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Dustin Johnson	$11,400
Jason Day	$10,900
Jordan Spieth	$9,400
Chez Reavie	$9,000
Shane Lowry	$8,800
Brandt Snedeker	$8,200
Chesson Hadley	$7,100
Jimmy Walker	$7,100
Scott Stallings	$7,100
James Hahn	$6,800

It's hard to find much consistency below the top tier at this event but if you want two more guys who might score you a top twenty or even a backdoor top ten, check-out Pat Perez and Kevin Streelman . . . two guys who have never had a similar Sunday morning in their entire lives.  
                         THE VALVOLINE ADVANCED FULL SYNTHETIC 
                                 HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

	DK Price	2018	2017	2016	2015	2014
Dustin Johnson	$11,400	T2	3rd	T41	T4	T2nd
Jason Day	$10,900	T2	T5	T11	T4	T64
Tony Finau	$10,600	DNP	T23	DNP	DNP	DNP
Tommy Fleetwood	$10,300	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Matt Kuchar	$10,000	T62	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Patrick Cantlay	$9,800	T35	T48	DNP	DNP	DNP
Phil Mickelson	$9,600	T2	65th	2nd	DNP	T19
Jordan Spieth	$9,400	T20	1st	T21	T7	T4
Patrick Reed	$9,300	MC	T23	T6	T29	T13
Adam Scott	$9,200	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Paul Casey	$9,100	T8	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Chez Reavie	$9,000	T2	MC	T26	MC	DNP
Branden Grace	$8,900	T20	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Shane Lowry	$8,800	T43	T14	T41	T21	DNP
Adam Hadwin	$8,700	DNP	T39	DNP	DNP	DNP
Matt Fitzpatrick	$8,600	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Jason Kokrak	$8,500	T35	T23	T30	MC	T19
Sungjae Im	$8,400	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Rafa Cabrera-Bello	$8,300	T26	DNP	DNP	DNP	T64
Brandt Snedeker	$8,200	T20	4th	T35	1st	MC
Russell Knox	$8,100	T15	DNP	MC	DNP	T27
Andrew Putnam	$7,900	MC	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP
J.B. Holmes	$7,900	MC	T23	T11	T10	T61
Scott Piercy	$7,800	T20	T55	DNP	DNP	DNP
Doug Ghim	$7,600	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Russell Henley	$7,600	T15	DNP	MC	DNP	T52
Charley Hoffman	$7,500	W/D	MC	DNP	DNP	MC
Nick Watney	$7,500	T47	T14	DNP	2nd	MC
Ted Potter, Jr.	$7,400	1st	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC
Kevin Streelman	$7,300	6th	T14	T17	MC	DNP
Pat Perez	$7,300	T35	T14	T41	T4	T7
Chesson Hadley	$7,100	T35	DNP	MC	T10	T10
Jimmy Walker	$7,100	T8	T55	T11	T21	1st
Scott Stallings	$7,100	7th	T14	DNP	DNP	DNP
Steve Stricker	$7,100	T26	T23	MC	DNP	DNP
Vaughn Taylor	$7,000	T55	MC	1st	T10	DNP
Brian Gay	$6,800	T8	T66	T58	DNP	T45
Graeme McDowell	$6,800	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	T7
James Hahn	$6,800	T26	T58	MC	T29	MC
Patrick Rodgers	$6,700	T8	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Things I Used to Hate More than the Patriots

I'm going to make a Super Bowl pick at the end of this screed but, before we get there, I need to devote a few words to how much I now hate the Patriots more than anything that I am forced to deal with or could reasonably expect to encounter on a daily basis. That obviously does not include unlikely things such as being swallowed whole by a python, going on a gluten free diet or being stuck on a deserted island with Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann (I'll take the python). That does, however, include the following list of annoyances that literally raise my blood pressure and make me want to punch someone or something (probably someone). The Patriots have now climbed above all of these on my scale of loathing. In no particular order of aggravation:

• People who linger in the school drop-off line. This fairly straightforward exercise is supposed to be like a bunch of paratroopers flying-out of a plane . . . not three drunks trying to get out of the backseat of a two door coupe. If you're someone who takes more than thirty seconds from the moment you put the car in "park" to the moment you pull away, one of two things is slowing you down: (1) Either you haven't successfully gotten everyone's shit together prior to arrival or (2) your kid(s) are too clumsy and inept to complete the simple act of climbing-out of a fucking car while wearing a backpack and holding a lunchbox. Either way, you're wasting your money on private school because you and your kids have already failed the entrance exam to life. (And yes, my kids go to private school because this unique combination of arrogance, condescension and limousine liberalism isn't going to pass itself down a generation).

• My frozen kitchen floors. If you tried to walk into our kitchen barefoot right now, you'd get frostbite and be a double amputee before you made it to the toaster. The only reason we need a refrigerator in February is so we have a place to keep the fruits and vegetables from freezing. Sometimes I think about driving over to the house owned by the people who sold us this igloo and putting a flaming turd on their doorstep. Not so much out of spiteful revenge but more so I could experience the warm glow of the flaming turd near my feet. If only just for a minute.

• Televised golf. Here's a golf shot. Here's another golf shot. Now here's a stat no one cares about. Now here's an interview with a guy who's not going to win. Now here's a tribute to a guy no one knows. Now here's Peter Kostis analyzing a swing. Now here's me sticking a cocktail fork in my eye. Now here's the ocean. What's that a hang glider? Let's track him for seven minutes before . . . wait . . . is that a dolphin? We'll be back after these words. Go to hell.

• People who fail to assume that I've got shit covered. I have three kids, a dog, a full-time job, five current coaching gigs and I play golf at least once a week (it's warmer out there than in my kitchen). Not to mention, I'm trying to write this garbage on a regular basis. So when I pull-up to the gym to run little Timmy's basketball practice and the door is locked, don't sprint over to my car, gesture for me to roll-down the window and ask if I have the key because you know what? Trust me. I've got the fucking key.

• And on that note, over-anxious sports parents in general. It's going to be ok. Your kid falls into one of three categories relative to his/her teammates and competition: (a) awesome, (b) average or (c) terrible. If you have multiple kids and you're doing it right, they should get to experience every level so they know what it feels like to be awesome, average and terrible because that's life baby. One day you're the pigeon, one day you're the statue and one day you're cleaning the statue. This will give you something to talk about when you're driving them around for twenty hours a week. That is when you're not talking about how awesome, average or terrible all of the other kids are.

• People who don't know when they're in a fucking turn lane that's about to end (I've got road rage issues . . . really?). I'm not talking about the people who use the turn lane to pass seven cars before wedging themselves into traffic. They're assholes but at least they're moving with a purpose. I'm talking about the dipshits who ignore the three "Right Turn Only" signs and the blatantly obvious layout of the road before running out of real estate and making a feeble awkward effort to merge. I feel sorry for the companies that employ these morons. They're running at 23% efficiency and they have no idea why.

• Untimely video buffering. You know what I'm talking about and, if you don't, then that probably means you're a woman and if so, welcome to the FGR and thanks for reading. 

• Bad caddies. Or even worse, bad caddies who think they're good caddies. Look, during a round of golf my head is already swirling with doubt. Driver or 3-wood? Draw or fade? Chip or putt? Beer or vodka? Should I even be out here? I should be working. Or playing with my kids. Or learning to speak Russian or Chinese. So by the time I machete my way through that jungle of insecurity and actually get a makeable birdie putt you, as my caddie, have two options: (1) Give me the right read or (2) shut the fuck-up. I would prefer (1) but (2) is perfectly acceptable. And if you try for (1) early in the round and get it wrong, you really better shut the fuck-up the rest of the way because you and your reads are dead to me. (And people say I'm hard on caddies. Eat shit).

• And finally, I hate it when someone uses the bathroom stall next to me at work like he's the last guy on Earth. What the fuck dude? I'm trying to unwind in here. Maybe get a little reading done or, in some cases, just sitting peacefully. Instead of coming in and dropping a dirty bomb on my serenity, how about extending me the common fucking courtesy of returning in five minutes? And besides, this is supposed to be a solo mission not a sidecar situation. Who thought adjacent stalls was a good idea in the first place? Fuck that guy too. 

I think that about covers it for now. I'm sure I'll come-up with more between now and Sunday. Man, that was unbelievably cathartic. I think I'm ready to hug a caddie.

FOOTNOTE

* I live with four people. At least one of them has been sick and miserable for the past ten days. The most recent dominant symptom is an unrelenting cough that reverberates through the house and is worse than anything I can remember from times I lived with guys who had gravity bongs by their beds. In the horrible movie The Beach starring Leo DiCaprio, there was a part where a guy got bitten by a shark and barely survived only to live in a state of total howling agony which ruined the peaceful Utopian paradise that the others had created. So what did they do considering they were too cowardly to kill him? They put him on a stretcher, carried him to the middle of the jungle and left him there with food and water. Problem solved. I am twenty-four hours away from performing "The Beach Maneuver" on someone I love. 

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com and follow us on Twitter at @fantasygolfrep.