Fantasy Golf: The Memorial Preview

Regular readers of this hot garbage know that I have very few (if any) kind words to say about kids club soccer and the villainous people who profit from it. I will, however, continue to write about it because (a) it is cathartic and (b) just maybe I will spare the family of some young impressionable reader the future hardship of this ordeal. 

This week we're going to talk about "college showcases" which don't seem stupid until you think about them for ten seconds. Here's the deal. You invite 170 teams comprised of about 15-18 girls born between 2007-2009 to a remote location outside of Greensboro, North Carolina. In this case it was a place called Bryan Park Soccer Complex which has 20 fields and, I shit you not, one way in and one way out . . . off the corner of a country road . . . across railroad tracks. 

Our weekend got off to a smooth start when Barney Fife directed me to pull forward onto the tracks where I would then have to wait indefinitely for one of his similarly dimwitted cohorts to clear the logjam ahead of us. When I defied his order to put our lives at risk, he stared me down and I fully expected (and may have been quietly wishing for) the Officer Gillis treatment. Fortunately that didn't happen but fear not, we're just getting to the really stupid parts. 

As part of this racket, the tournament host requires that players stay in certain hotels of their choosing and I can assure you that the selection process is not based on quality or convenience. I'm guessing there's a profit motive there but that's just a hunch.

The chosen lodging for this event was the Quality Inn & Suites Hanes Mall in Winston-Salem which is about a 45 minute drive from where the games are played plus the extra 15 minutes to penetrate the facility's natural defense system. More than one review of the Quality Inn mentions cat urine but hey, how much do cats really piss and it's only an 8 minute walk to Hanes Mall. You'll know you're halfway there when you pass the Jiffy Lube on your left.

Suffice it to say that we did not stay at the Quality Inn because Ronny don't play that game. Those who did follow the rules relocated to a new hotel immediately because apparently the rumors of cat urine were greatly under exaggerated. Of course they made minimal fuss about it lest word get out that they're complainers and they impair their daughter's chances of getting into North Central University (no offense). 

The balance of the weekend is spent watching your kid get shuffled in and out of soccer games, a sport that really lends itself to mass substitutions. The hope is that a coach from one of the three colleges she wants to attend happens to be there and glances up from his/her phone at the exact moment when she makes a play. Preferably a good one. 

By Sunday, the feeling of burnout across the entire property was palpable. Ten straight months of soccer was finally winding-down and the only thing left was to do was wait half an hour to get out of the parking lot like you're leaving a Dead show after getting ahold of some really bad acid.    

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Not exactly the same thing but I'm a lawyer who works for a construction company and about twice a week I am asked to add "verbiage" to an email. One of these days I'm going ask "wait, what's verbiage?" 

I worked in a shipyard in Alaska once and because I sorta knew how to use Excel they all called me “Computer”

— Justin🦩Boldaji (@justinboldaji) May 21, 2024

GOLF ANALYSIS

It has previously been argued in this space that, if any tournament should be considered the unofficial 5th major, it's this one. Since it's inception in 1976, it has produced a hall of fame caliber list of champions including, Tiger Woods (5), Jack Nicklaus (2), Tom Watson (2), Greg Norman (2), Hale Irwin (2), Ernie Els, Vijay Singh, Raymond Floyd, Jon Rahm and literally a dozen other major winners. 

Add to that the fact that Muirfield is a ball-strikers paradise and it would be insane not to pick the best ball striker in the world who also happens to be the undisputed best player and a guy who has finished 3rd here the last two times he's played. Not even I am going to try to overthink that one and I have been known to confound myself during the making of a ham sandwich. 

Unfortunately I picked Scottie Scheffler to win this Masters (which he did) so we need to go with Plan B. In this case, that means the defending champion who recently switched back to the coach who helped him blow everyone's doors off during the FedEx Cup playoffs last year. Then, as any sensible man would after becoming almost the best in the world at something, he changed his approach and promptly drove his game straight into a ditch. I'm going to take his 3rd place finish at the PGA Championship as a sign that things are back on the right track.

The rest of the picks rely heavily on past performance as there are definitely horses for this course. I would pay particular attention to two-time winner Patrick Cantlay along with Ben An and Si Woo Kim. And I'm officially on a sleeper run after picking Robert MacIntyre last week so lookout for Jaeger and Eckroat who also sound like the firm you'd call after your third DUI.  

One and Done Pick: Viktor Hovland

Vik and I have shared some
moderate success in the past
but this week just feels right.

Other Guy I'd Pick: Scottie Scheffler 

Sleeper Pick: Austin Eckroat

DraftKings Top Ten Values

Scottie Scheffler	$12,500
Viktor Hovland	$10,200
Patrick Cantlay	$9,400
Max Homa	$8,700
Byeong Hun An	$8,400
Shane Lowry	$7,900
Si Woo Kim	$7,700
Billy Horschel	$7,400
Stephan Jaeger	$7,100
Austin Eckroat	$6,700

No one I particularly care about died this week and I've exhausted most of my cynicism so let's make the Historical Performance Chart more of a celebration.

                                     THE SUMMER OF RONNY IS UPON US

                                      HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE CHART

The results from the 2020 Workday Charity Open have been included because it was played on the same course in that bizarre back-to-back COVID circumstance and the results further support the Hovland selection. The obvious omission is Denny McCarthy but he's burned me a few times this year and I tend to hold onto a grudge like its my wallet while walking through an Italian train station.  

	DK Price	2023	2022	2021	2020	WDAY
Scottie Scheffler	$12,500	3rd	DNP	3rd	T22	MC
Rory McIlroy	$11,100	T7	T18	T18	T32	DNP
Xander Schauffele	$10,900	T24	T18	T11	T13	T14
Viktor Hovland	$10,200	1st	T51	T47	T48	3rd
Collin Morikawa	$9,800	W/D	MC	2nd	T48	1st
Ludvig Aberg	$9,500	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Patrick Cantlay	$9,400	T30	T3	1st	T32	T7
Justin Thomas	$9,200	MC	DNP	T42	T18	2nd
Tommy Fleetwood	$9,100	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP
Hideki Matsuyama	$9,000	T16	DQ	T62	MC	T22
Wyndham Clark	$8,900	T12	T37	MC	MC	DNP
Sahith Theegala	$8,800	T58	T5	T32	DNP	DNP
Max Homa	$8,700	DNP	T5	T6	MC	MC
Jordan Spieth	$8,600	T5	T18	T18	T13	MC
Corey Conners	$8,500	MC	T13	T53	T22	T39
Byeong Hun An	$8,400	T24	DNP	MC	DNP	MC
Sam Burns	$8,300	T16	DNP	T50	DNP	T17
Matt Fitzpatrick	$8,200	T9	MC	MC	3rd	T27
Alex Noren	$8,100	T52	MC	T13	MC	DNP
Sungjae Im	$8,000	T41	T10	MC	MC	63rd
Russell Henley	$8,000	T16	DNP	MC	DNP	T7
Shane Lowry	$7,900	T16	T32	T6	MC	T39
Tony Finau	$7,900	DNP	DNP	T32	8th	DNP
Cameron Young	$7,800	MC	T60	DNP	DNP	DNP
Tom Kim	$7,800	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Si Woo Kim	$7,700	4th	T13	T9	T18	64th
Keegan Bradley	$7,700	T30	T37	MC	T68	T39
Jason Day	$7,600	MC	31st	DNP	T4	T7
Denny McCarthy	$7,600	2nd	T5	MC	T58	MC
Sepp Straka	$7,500	T16	T45	MC	61st	T14
Will Zalatoris	$7,500	DNP	T5	DNP	DNP	DNP
Billy Horschel	$7,400	MC	1st	67th	T13	T7
Tom Hoge	$7,400	65th	MC	MC	MC	MC
Brian Harman	$7,300	MC	T18	DNP	MC	DNP
C. Bezuidenhout	$7,300	T38	DNP	T37	T18	DNP
Harris English	$7,200	T52	MC	DNP	T13	DNP
Ben Griffin	$7,200	MC	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP
Stephan Jaeger	$7,100	T24	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
J.T. Poston	$7,100	T38	T37	DNP	MC	DNP
Mackenzie Hughes	$7,100	MC	T37	MC	T6	T48
Rickie Fowler	$7,000	T9	T64	T11	MC	T22
Kurt Kitayama	$7,000	MC	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Lucas Glover	$7,000	MC	T60	T37	T38	DNP
Chris Kirk	$6,900	MC	T53	T26	DNP	MC
Justin Rose	$6,900	DNP	DNP	DNP	MC	MC
Akshay Bhatia	$6,900	MC	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP
Thomas Detry	$6,800	T48	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Taylor Moore	$6,800	DNP	MC	DNP	MC	DNP
Victor Perez	$6,800	DNP	DNP	MC	MC	DNP
Austin Eckroat	$6,700	T30	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP
Taylor Pendrith	$6,700	T60	DNP	DNP	MC	DNP
Adam Hadwin	$6,600	MC	T18	MC	T54	T35
Adam Schenk	$6,600	T7	T26	DNP	DNP	DNP
Patrick Rodgers	$6,500	T30	MC	MC	T18	MC
Andrew Putnam	$6,500	T5	MC	DNP	MC	T58
Davis Riley	$6,400	T54	T13	DNP	DNP	DNP
Nick Taylor	$6,400	DNP	DNP	T42	MC	T48
Cam Davis	$6,300	MC	T53	MC	DNP	MC
Seamus Power	$6,300	T41	MC	DNP	DNP	DNP
Nick Dunlap	$6,300	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Brendon Todd	$6,200	W/D	DNP	T53	T22	DNP
Jake Knapp	$6,200	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP	DNP
Emiliano Grillo	$6,100	T48	T32	MC	MC	MC
Matt Kuchar	$6,100	62nd	T45	DNP	T32	T39

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