I've set quite the lofty goal for this morning with the dual objectives of finishing Part 2 of this ill-fated year in review AND previewing today's BIG GAME but like some college advisor type said to me and my son last week, "goals are like uprights . . . you need them or you're just kicking at nothing." Believe me when I tell you that it actually sounded more stupid when spoken aloud.
Let's pick-up the review in April just as everything started getting weird (started?).
- There was no golf in April so this month is going to be all about me. Don't say I didn't warn you.
- At this point, we really had no idea what we were up against but we knew it was gonna be bad. As part of my day job, I get to play the role of the fixer along the lines of Michael Clayton* . . . smoothing over and basically un-fucking the fuck-ups created by other people. Perpetually living in and on the verge of state of crisis apparently makes one well-suited for this role. Not saying that I'd ever wish we all had to go through this awful year again but maybe we could have like a mini/local pandemic in a couple years that just causes an itchy rash and shuts the schools down for a few weeks. I don't want to lose my edge.
- The State of Maryland was pretty much in complete shutdown mode. Couldn't go to the office. No golf. No bars. No live Zumba classes. I would roam around the neighborhood and go for random drives to other places and then roam around there. I found myself longing for a nice two day kids soccer tournament in the freezing rain of East Jesus just north of bumfuck.
- By the end of the month I felt obliged to remind everyone via Facebook that "Whiplash is the best movie you haven’t watched with your kids over 13ish with maybe the best ending of any movie ever. The Other Guys is the funniest movie you haven’t watched with your stranded college kids and The Martian is the best family movie of the last ten years." I was drunk when I wrote it and I stand by every word.
|"Now was I rushing or dragging?"|
- I have nothing else to report from this month so here is a random sampling of things I tweeted:
- April 12th: “We don’t have to hide the eggs in obvious places because the kids are older now” might be the most naïve thing my wife has ever said. This hunt is taking longer than a Scorsese movie. (You haven't truly experienced Easter until you've watched a bunch of apathetic teenagers sleepwalk through an afternoon egg hunt).
- April 16th: I really need this edible to kick-in before the crab cakes are ready.
- April 26th: This day sucked. And that was before I started watching Stuber.
- April 30th: My kids aren't really watching the awful Netflix show All-American anymore. They're just watching me hate it.
- We got a golf tease with a couple of exhibition matches. They were predictably awful but people watched them to see their favorite players carry their own bags while wearing shorts and to enjoy the Voltairean banter between Dustin Johnson and Rickie Fowler. At least we got to see Tom Brady suck which was a bonus. Of course he's going to make us pay for mocking him. More on that later.
- I decided to do one of those 10 favorite albums in 10 day challenges on Facebook and as you've probably already guessed, I only got through #8 before fizzling out. Here is what I had up to that point:
- 10. The Who - Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy
- 9. Yes - The Yes Album
- 8. Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin II
- 7. Rush - Moving Pictures
- 6. Blues Traveler - Blues Traveler
- 5. The Who - Tommy
- 4. Simon and Garfunkel - Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits
- 3. The Clash - The Clash
- 2. ?
- 1. ?
- As you can see, my music taste can best be described as cutting edge and eclectic. By the way, I know what #1 and # 2 are. The question is . . . do you?
- We were still having our groceries delivered and it was about this time when I learned that there are at least two different ways to interpret the phrase "24 bananas":
- More random space filling tweets:
- May 17th: Only the Golf Channel would genuflect and then fall all over itself praising golfers for donating their time . . . to play golf.
- May 19th: You know it's going to be a long week when you describe yourself as "the Amazon Prime of delivering bad news" and it's only Tuesday.
- May 22nd: Hungover and watching a Pavoratti documentary is no way to go through a Friday son.
- May 27th: I just got to tell everyone at work that we’re not letting the Pepsi guy refill the vending machine and my approval rating here is now 3 points lower than “Stubbing Your Toe."
- Golf returned for reals and Daniel Berger (who is now dead to me after his missed cut this weekend) won the opening event. To appreciate how much can change in a few months, note that DraftKings had eventual Masters champion Dustin Johnson (spoiler alert) as their 13th highest priced player on June 17th and the experts on this here website wrote "not that you would want him at any price." He finished tied for 17th. Meanwhile, I kind of recommended Webb Simpson that week and he actually won. So far that magic has escaped me in 2021.
- In early June I tweeted "'how do you lose two games of Clue to a drunk guy' is the question everyone in my house needs to be asking themselves this morning." I'm guessing this is about the time when my in-home approval numbers really started to plummet.
- MSN posted the following poll sometime around the middle of the month and, in hindsight, it was probably ahead of its time:
- Most of my June Tweets were either politically charged or antagonistic (and both) so, in the interest of "unity", we'll skip a recap but on June 25th I did note that The Flamingo Kid is not available for streaming anywhere and that is a straight-up crime against humanity. I just checked again and apparently you still can't get it anywhere. What in the fuck are we even doing here people? Seriously. Someone fix that shit.
- By the end of the month, my state of mind could best be summed-up by this somewhat incoherent rant . . . So now I'm sitting here in my dining room. Not drinking Bud Light. Writing this shit. For you wonderful people. Genuinely wondering if there are any majors this year. And when they are. And where. And whether Brooks Koepka will let someone else win one of them. Preferably Rory. Not Sabbatini. And how Jason Day and Jordan Spieth are ranked behind Sung Kang. And why I find myself rooting for Bryson DeChambeau. And whether that's a recognized symptom of COVID-19. And why stupid people on TV don't look it up before they ask what the "19" means. So many questions.
FGR BONUS SUPER BOWL PREVIEW
I feel like I would be remiss if I didn't write anything substantive about this football season. It's been an odd year that began with me turning-over the draft management of my lone remaining fantasy football team to a co-worker who promptly selected Drew Brees in the second round thereby dashing any hopes of enjoyment that might bring. Especially when he followed that up by taking the all uninspiring backfield of Todd Gurley and James Connor. I was genuinely shocked when he didn't take a Giants' tight end in the 5th round.
The Ravens kept it interesting for a few more weeks but then there was the double-doink in Buffalo and . . . I'm sorry I thought I was ready to talk about it but . . .
And that brings us to today. Everyone wants to make this about Tom Brady v. Patrick Mahomes and that is an intriguing storyline (I suppose) but this game is absolutely going to come down to one fucking thing which is Andy Reid botching the clock management and handing the ball to Brady with 1:38 left in the game, two timeouts and a chance to win with a field goal. Which he will do.
Maybe if we start the process of acceptance this morning, it will be less painful tonight but I doubt it. Fuck it, I'm just going to put on my UGG boots, make some avocado toast and do some brain push-ups on Luminosity. Bring on the inevitable.
Bucs - 30 . . . Chiefs - 27
* It is not lost on this writer that in Part 1 he loosely compared himself to a Matt Damon character and he has now compared himself to a George Clooney character. A Brad Pitt reference is a virtual lock for Part 3 and then Matthew McConaughey or Channing Tatum is sure to follow. Possibly Zoe Saldana or Brie Larson if he's feeling really bold. Hang on . . . I've just been handed a note asking me to stop using the third person and calling me an "epic douche."
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