Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Fantasy Golf: Arnold Palmer Invitational Preview

If everything has gone according to plan, by the time you read this, I'll be sitting on a beach earning twenty percent just like Hans Gruber (yeah but Hans never got to the beach because he died first). OK let's assume I didn't get cocky like Hans and I actually made it to the beach from which I just hit the "Publish" button on this preview that I drafted last Saturday. (If you just published it, then is this happening now or last Saturday? I'm confused). You know what, go fuck yourself inner monologue.

Oh for Chrissakes Hans stop being
so smug and shoot the cocky bastard.
I am actually writing this on Saturday before abandoning the living hell that is the combination of my job, my commute and the unspeakably bad fantasy golf advice I dispense. Seriously, if you don't think broadcasting failure on a weekly basis starts to eat at you, then you haven't seen me blankly stare at the TV purporting to watch golf as my pick barely gets a highlight during the early afternoon Golf Channel coverage, if he makes the damn cut in the first place. (I'm still marveling at the utter foolishness of my Ryan Moore pick) . . . 

And now we're live on Tuesday night from the FGR's hotel room in Central America. Suffice it to say, I didn't finish this thing on Saturday so here I am again on vacation annoying the FGW to no end by obsessing over a golf blog that will be read by hundreds and will pay me even less. Thus is my existence.  

Three days into our adventure and here is what I've learned: (1) When you finally decide to pony-up and get the second hotel room for your kids, your heart rate drops 30%, the beer tastes better and your farts start smelling like butterscotch; (2) Eastern European tourists in warm climates have and always will fascinate me for their ability to look even more out of place than Eastern European tourists in warm climates; and (3) surfing + zip-lining = mucho chafing.     

We're dispensing with the big chart this week because I didn't have time to do the meticulous research that normally goes into stating with complete confidence the players who will underperform this week. Instead, I'm just going to provide the condensed DraftKings values chart for that. That should be sufficient to do some damage to our accounts and make some algorithm genius a few bucks richer.  

Oh yeah. I'm not picking Tiger this week. Not even in my top ten. Maybe I'm just being a foolish skeptic but I don't see him doing it two weeks in a row at this point. Augusta, however, could be a very different story. How's that for a tease? (It sucked). Ok then.  

The One and Done Pick: Henrik Stenson
I am in Costa Rica and apparently
so is this woman and her beads.

The Sleeper Pick: Keegan Bradley

The DraftKings Top Ten Values

Justin Rose
Henrik Stenson
Tyrrell Hatton
Brandt Snedeker
K. Aphibarnrat
Emiliano Grillo
Lucas Glover
Francesco Molinari
Keegan Bradley
Charley Hoffman

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