Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Fantasy Golf: Shell Houston Open Preview

Well if it wasn't official before, it is now. I suck. Two missed cuts in a row and I haven't cracked $100,000 in a full field event with my top pick since mid-February. It's enough to make a man want to stash his golf clubs in the basement, sell his football season tickets and take-up swimming (you already did that) . . . CRAP!!!! You know what this calls for, only the greatest rock bottom scene ever . . .  "I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!!!"*  

OK. Take a breath. The season doesn't officially start until the Masters. Last year kicked-off in much the same fashion and then I called Adam Scott at the Masters, Matt Kuchar at The Memorial and Tiger at the Bridgestone to get right back in the game (yeah but then five guys in your league picked Dufner at the PGA and passed you for the final money spot . . . DOUBLE CRAP!!!!) I actually feel really good about this week's pick. Keegan Bradley has been showing signs of life lately and plays this course well. Sooner or later that kind of fortune cookie logic is going to pay-off.        

The Favorites
Time to start pushing the
envelope on the Texas thing.

1. Rory McIlroy - 10 to1
2. Dustin Johnson - 14 to 1
3. Henrik Stenson - 16 to 1
4. Keegan Bradley - 22 to 1
5. Phil Mickelson - 25 to 1
6. Matt Kuchar - 25 to 1
7. Sergio Garcia - 25 to 1
8. Jordan Spieth - 25 to 1
9. Hunter Mahan - 28 to 1
10. Charl Schwartzel - 33 to 1

The FGR One and Done Picks

1. Keegan Bradley
2. Jordan Spieth
3. Graham DeLaet
4. Jimmy Walker
5. Louis Oostuizen

I'm not even going to dignify last week's picks with a comment. (If I did, that comment would probably start with an "F" bomb). Instead, how about an impromptu review of White House Down which blew through Starz or Encore or one of those channels between 340 and 390 on Fios last month. If you haven't seen it, here is how to decide if you should. If you loved Die Hard and Air Force One, you will like White House Down. If you just liked those first two movies, you may want to breath on a mirror to make sure you're not dead inside and you can probably skip White House Down

If you're still with me, I will tell you the positive are that (a) the bad guys are played by James Woods and Jason Clarke, (b) Richard Jenkins** is in it and (c) the White House makes a pretty good backdrop for an action movie. If they would have just cast Don Cheadle instead of Jamie Foxx and a girl with some onions like Jessica Chastain or Keri Russell instead of acting's answer to cereal that sat in the milk too long Maggie Gyllenhaal, they may have had themselves a legit badass action movie. Instead, they ended-up with Magic Mike and Willie Beamen blowing shit up on Pennsylvania Avenue. Call it an entertaining opportunity wasted.

Last Week's Report Card: F
 . . . I mean really start
pushing the envelope.***

1. Kevin Chappell - M/C
2. Billy Horschel - M/C
3. Jason Kokrak - T31st
4. Brendan Steele - M/C
5. Chris Stroud - DNS

The I Suck Report

Hyundai: Gary Woodland - $130,000
Sony: Chris Kirk - $604,800
Humana: Charles Howell, III - $12,198
Farmers: Bill Haas - $20,740
WM Phoenix: Billy Horschel - M/C
Pebble Beach: Russell Knox - $46,860
Northern Trust: Dustin Johnson - $723,600
Match Play: Hunter Mahan - $148,000
Honda Classic: Graeme McDowell - $15,600
WGC-Cadillac: Rory McIlroy - $76,000
Valspar: Harris English - $23,940
Palmer: Justin Rose - M/C
Texas Open: Kevin Chappell - M/C

Season Total: $1,801,738


* For you kids at home seeing this scene for the first time, "D.O.R." stands for "Discharge on Request" and this movie has arguably the greatest simmering bad blood settling fight of all-time.

** Jenkins owns one of my ten favorite lines in movie history when he drills the tone of the moment in Step Brothers on Christmas Eve after his life has been ruined by the combined buffoonish efforts of his son and stepson. After reaching his breaking point, he simply stands-up from the couch and, with almost no emotion whatsoever, says "I'm gonna go down to the Cheesecake Factory . . . have a drink." If that movie had been made in 1983, I would have substituted Beefsteak Charlie's for the Cheesecake Factory and used that line every year from the time I was fifteen (Beefsteak Charlie's had a fairly liberal I.D. policy).

*** A meeting in my near future is going to begin with, "so let's start by you explaining why you Google the phrase 'sexy cowgirl' every week."

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com

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