Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Shallow Thoughts

"There was one?"
In honor of one of the comedic geniuses of our time, Deep Thoughts creator Jack Handey ("If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong, though.  It's Hambone"), here are a few random thoughts on topics ranging from John Daly and Andy Reid to Mila Kunis and prostitutes (I like fat guys and fast women, that's why the guys at my country club call me "The Cruiser" . . . . "they should call you the 'Dork'"):

The Presidents Cup had ten "experts" pick the winner of the Presidents Cup this weekend.  Six picked the international team, three picked the Americans and some clown named Chris Dunham predicted it will be a tie.  His rationale was that "with fast greens and a U.S. team coming off a tough Ryder Cup defeat, I expect this event to be as close as they come."  The International team has five of the top ten finishers in this year's Masters where someone once famously said "the greens are faster than a Jamaican pickpocket" plus they have Retief Goosen and Ernie Els who have each won multiple U.S. Opens where the greens have been known to be faster than a Guatemalan purse snatcher so if fast greens are going to be the key factor - advantage International team.

I'm not quite sure about the Ryder Cup logic considering it was played over a year ago and one third of the U.S. roster was different.  Frankly I would have found his argument more compelling if he had predicted a tie because the moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter was aligned with Mars.  I googled Chris Dunham and the only place his name came up was on Linkedin where he is listed as either an editorial coordinator for or a Sales Rep at Southern Wine & Spirits.  I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt, go with the latter and assume he was getting hammered with his customers when he made his prediction.

"You tell Lou Reed to show-up or he will
be wearin' those sunglasses up his ass."
As for my prediction, I like the Americans because (a) these 12 on 12 golf matches are impossible to predict and, if you say you're going on anything more than a hunch or a coin flip, you're full of shit, (b) I'm an American and (c) I ain't gonna play Sun City (the event isn't even in South Africa so that was really just a cheap excuse to pull this classic from the archives - - anytime you can blend Joey Ramone, George Clinton, Hall & Oates, Kurtis Blow and a REALLY angry Bono and make it work, I'm on board with your message.  Nice work Silvio).       

The Eagles

I picked the Eagles to cover a 14 point spread last week because their mission was so simple and they spent the off season acquiring the assets to accomplish it.  I didn't think they'd take me seriously when I suggested they should cover Larry Fitzgerald with Herman Edwards and Vince Papale but leave it to Andy Reid to think outside the bun and the box, put Assante Samual, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and Nnamdi Asomugha somewhere else in the secondary and have rookie safety Jaiquan Jarrett on Fitzgerald with the game on the line in the 4th quarter.  I have to assume that every player on the Cardinals who is not a future hall of famer was extremely well covered.  A confident Reid was overheard on the sideline muttering confidently, "this is the last thing they'd expect in this situation....they're not going to know what hit them.....I bet they don't even look in Fitzgerald's direct......SWEET CHOCOLATE CHEESECAKE HE JUST CAUGHT A BOMB ON THE ONE YARD LINE!!!"


"Chasity appears to have
a very nice kitchen."  
My Twitter following recently peaked at six.  As best as I can tell, the list includes my wife, three random people who stumbled on to me thinking I would actually write about golf and two prostitutes.  My most recent follower is Chasity (sic) Evanson who wonders on her home page "is it sexual harassment if a female employee jumps a hot guy?"  As an attorney, I feel compelled to tell her that it is but I'm afraid of where that dialogue might lead and, with my luck, that would be the day the Fantasy Golf Wife (a/k/a the "FGW") decides to see what this Twitter thing is all about.  Considering the demographic breakdown of my followers, I wonder if 90,000 of Rich Eisen's 273,526 followers are prostitutes.              

John Daly

Speaking of Twitter, after hitting seven consecutive shots in the water, running out of balls and walking off the course at the Australian Open, John Daly tweeted "when u run out of balls u run out of balls" which will undoubtedly be the refrain for his newest country song.  Daly's playing partner, Craig Parry, said that "he had the right club to reach the green, but the wind was stronger than Daly realized."  I usually check the wind by throwing up some grass and not by hitting seven balls into the water so I'm not an expert, but I think the "wind was stronger than I realized" excuse loses steam after about the fourth splash.            

Black Swan

"I can't stop thinking about you
scrubbing the oil off of that bird."  
Every time I turn on Cinemax they're showing the last 20 minutes of Black Swan where Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman end up in bed "together." Leave it to the crew at Skinemax to buy the rights to an Oscar nominee that fits right into their post 11:00 p.m. programming.  Does anyone know if the rest of the movie is as good as that scene or do they spend the whole time rescuing swans from an oil spill?

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