Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The FGR Awards

Last week we handed-out the Oscars.  This week will be the FGR’s answer to the Razzies (the awards for worst movies and performances of the year soon to be renamed “The Annistons”) for some of the more dubious golfing accomplishments in 2011.  We need a name for these along the lines of the "Dundies" so email your suggestions to fantasygolfreport@earthlink.net or tweet them to @FantasyGolfRep.  And the winners are:

Most Disappointing Season:  Phil Mickelson

I can hear Mickelson’s defiant cry, “but I made over $3.7M, won a tournament and finished second at a major.”  Sorry Phil, it’s what you didn’t do with the door still wide open from Tiger’s demise.  T27 at the Masters, T54 at the U.S. Open and T19 at the PGA on a course tailor made for your game.  Then your best finishes in the playoffs were a T10 and a 10th at the Tour Championship on another course you’ve owned.      

"You do realize that you sound like
Mayor Quimby from The Simpsons."
I equate Phil’s season to the writing/directing effort in The Company Men.  If you told me that they were making a movie about modern corporate downsizing and its impact on the people at each executive level and they had Chris Cooper, Tommie Lee Jones and Maria Bello in key roles with Craig T. Nelson playing the greedy unapologetic CEO, I’d say that’s going to be hard to screw-up.......unless you cast Ben Affleck in a lead role with serious overacting potential (at one point after being laid off he is hitting balls at the range wearing his suit, including the jacket – my wife noted that it did appear to be cold outside), give Kevin Costner a supporting role where he gets to hammer more nails into our temples with his Boston accent from Thirteen Days (he was aptly cast as a contractor so when he wasn’t speaking, we got to see him literally hammering nails) and then make the whole second half of the movie utterly predictable to the point where you’re saying, “they’re not really going to do this with the next scene are they?.....yep they did it.”  In the end they made Tuna Helper out of fresh Mahi-Mahi which sums up Mickelson’s year. 

Worst Shot by a Guy Not Named Mickelson:  Dustin Johnson’s Second Shot on 14 on Sunday at the British Open

"Oh the humanity."  
There were a lot of candidates for this one.  You could have picked just about any shot Jason Duffner hit on the last four holes of regulation at the PGA or his putt on 17 in the playoff when he ran it ten feet by the hole from almost the same spot where he did the same thing in regulation leading to another three putt bogey.  You could also pick about ten shots that Rory McIlroy hit on Sunday at Augusta on holes 10 through 15, especially the mega-hook he hit off the 10th tee.  (I’ve hit that shot more times than I care to remember and there are few worse feelings in golf than those you get when the clubhead is about six inches from the ball and you’re already yelling “FORE LEFT!!!”)    

The thing that separates Johnson’s shot at Royal St. George’s is that it was doomed before he hit.  In other words, it was Mickelsonesque.  He was standing in the middle of the par 5 fairway down by two shots and 250 yards from the hole.  If he was going to go for it, 3-wood was the club because it was into the wind and playing more like 280.  The other option would presumably have been an 8-iron layup to about 100 yards for his third.  Instead, Johnson went with the “I’ll kind of go for it but maybe I should layup” shot and hit 2-iron.  The result was a half-assed swing into the wind which went out of bounds and led to a double bogey.  Couple that with Mickelson climbing aboard the back nine bogey train and suddenly Darren Clarke had a Sunday lead in a major so big that not even he could blow it.    

Biggest Meltdown:  Jason Duffner at the PGA Championship

My definition of a meltdown is when a player puts himself in a position where all he has to do is play below average golf to win, and he blows it anyway.  This lets Rory McIlroy off the hook for the Masters because, assuming that all of the other players would have shot the scores that they did, McIlroy would have needed a 69 to beat Charl Schwartzel.  (This year’s Masters may have actually been one of the greatest collective clutch performances of all time as the six players who finished T4 or better shot between -3 and -6 on Sunday and the winner birdied the last four holes.  Is it a coincidence that Tiger was in the middle of it shooting 67 and posting 10 under early?  Nope.  Love him or hate him but Tiger raises everyone's game.  Kind of like Magic Johnson....or, come to think of it, a lot like Magic Johnson.  Someone needs to explore the connection between athletes with fake first names and sex addiction).    

"Do you smell that?"
Jason Duffner on the other hand had a five shot lead over Keegan Bradley playing in the final group and standing on the 15th tee.  If he pars two of the last four holes, Bradley would have needed to birdie 16, 17 and 18 to tie.  Instead, Duffner bogeyed three of his last four and his expression changed from one of quiet confidence to that of a guy who was just on the wrong end of a Dirty Sanchez.

The Christophe Angiolini Caddie of the Year Award:  Steve Williams                   
This one is for Terry and the rest of the pro jocks at Alpine Country Club in New Jersey and is named after Jean Van de Velde’s caddy for the 1999 British Open to honour the most significant contribution by a caddie – either good or bad.  I wanted to give this to Thomas Levet’s caddie who could have saved his player’s trip to the British Open by simply saying, “don’t jump in there Thomas, looks pretty shallow” but after fifteen minutes of searching, I couldn’t find his name so I’ll go with the only caddie this year who won more tournaments than Matt Kuchar, Jason Day and Hunter Mahan combined.  I would have called this the “Stevie Williams Caddie of the Year Award” but I didn’t want to make his ego any bigger for fear it might start affecting the tides. 

The Maverick and Goose Award:  Robert Garrigus

In honor of the one of the greatest movie scenes of all time when Stinger tells Maverick and Goose that Cougar has turned in his wings giving them a shot at Top Gun, we give this one to Robert Garrigus who made it into the British Open thanks to Levet's ill fated leap.  (I finally watched the video of this and Levet struggling to get out of the pond while trying to smile away his cracked shin is priceless.  He was clearly standing in the water thinking, "if I wait long enough, maybe everyone will just leave." - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQm7404m31c). 

"He's got a bloody can 
of Glade up his ass."
Upon hearing the news of his good fortune, Garrigus promptly shot 40 on the front nine at the John Deere Classic, withdrew due to back problems and then jumped on a plane to London to go play golf which is what almost any orthopedist will tell you is the best thing you can do to relieve back pain.  Then again, I’m guessing pain management was not a problem for the guy who admitted that he used to get high during Nationwide tournaments and was quoted in Golf World magazine as saying, “you could go in the Porta John and take your drags.”  What's stopping that guy from blazing-up at 10,000 feet?  What I don't get is how he got away with it.  I understand from watching Get Him to the Greek how he smuggled the weed on the plane, but how did he get the Lysol through security?

No comments: