Sunday, September 16, 2012

The Week 2 NFL Picks - Part 2 of 3

And now for Part 2 . . . . (if you missed Part 1, check it out here - The Week 2 NFL Picks - Part 1).

4:30 p.m.: After leaving Kaos Gentlemen's Club (and if that doesn't make you want to read Part 1, then I don't even know who you are anymore) we decided to waste the rest of the afternoon in more traditional fashion by hanging-out in a sports bar watching golf.* If nothing else, we'd reduce the chances of catching something.

4:35 p.m.: We lost one member of our foursome who also happened to be our driver as we headed to one of the many Greene Turtles that has sprouted-up around Maryland over the past few years. (Remember when you'd say I'll meet you at the Turtle and all you had to know beyond that was which side of the bay you were on?)

And this was after a regular
season field hockey win.
4:37 p.m.: We walked into an almost empty bar with the bravado of three guys who just tore-up a strip club (I guess we were compensating) and immediately demanded that they change the channel to golf. The one guy sitting at the bar with his girlfriend watching the Notre Dame game came over the top a little too quickly and emphatically barked "NO GOLF!" and immediately there was tension. (It probably didn't help that I started audibly mocking him  . . . "NO GOLF, GOLF BAD, ME NOT LIKE GOLF").**

Then it started getting chippy as it always does when you're running with a University of Maryland grad which we were. (Graduates of Couch Burning University will throw-down at the drop of a visor). For the next hour it kind of simmered with the occasional stink eye being cast back and forth but nothing came of it. Frankly, we kind of lost our mojo when we discovered that the golf had been completely preempted in Baltimore by . . . wait for it . . . the Notre Dame game.

6:15 p.m.: I think we could all feel the situation heading towards a few rounds of shots and marriage counseling so we called a cab and headed back to the club to shower-up and put on a fresh face for the ladies.

"Who is that disgusting man?"
7:30 p.m. - 9:30 p.m.: Take Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs and The Departed and add-up all of the F-Bombs uttered on screen.*** Now multiply that number by two and I think you'd be almost to my performance at dinner. I'm pretty sure that I did everything but ask the club president's wife if she wanted to make $14 the hard way ("Hey Ringo, Play Somethin' Hot").

10:00 p.m.: Note to the staff: When you're trying to get rid of the stragglers, do not have the O's - Yankees game on in the bar.

10:17 p.m.: O'S WIN . . . O'S WIN . . . O'S WIN!!! Yeah Teixeira was safe at first but . . . . O'S WIN!!!

11:05 p.m.: The bartender flipped me the keys and said "screw-it, just lock-up when you're done." We took this as a sign that it was time to leave.****

. . . . still 48 hours to go but we need to take another break to get some quick picks in for the record.

N.Y. Giants by 7.5 over Tampa Bay: The Pick - Bucs

Without reading too much into one game, this could be the year the Giants start slowly AND finish slowly. They all seem a little caught-up in their celebrity don't they? Case in point: Victor Cruz wrote a 304 page autobiography called Out of the Blue which is almost four pages for each of his 82 career receptions.
Hey Gisele. Missed
you this summer.

New England by 13.5 over Arizona: The Pick - Patriots

Tom Brady - Kevin Kolb > 13.5 points.

Minnesota by 1.5 over Indianapolis: The Pick - Colts

We're going to have a lot of these games this year pitting two young unpredictable quarterbacks against each other. Andrew Luck will be playing in friendlier confines this week against a less formidable defense so he gets the nod. This pick is also based on the odds agains the Vikings starting 2-0 and leading the NFC North at any point in the season.

New Orleans by 2.5 over Carolina: The Pick - Saints

I want to say the Panthers don't have the firepower to score the 29 points it's probably going to take to cover this spread but that's tough when RG, III just carved-up the Saints defense in the Superdome. I'm going to conveniently chalk that up to a week one aberration.

Buffalo by 3 over Kansas City: The Pick - Bills

I just can't take Matt Cassel playing on the road seriously. At the same time, that means taking Ryan Fitzpatrick and giving points. If you're able to convince yourself that one of these teams is actually worth betting, it may be time to call the hotline.

Philadelphia by 2.5 over Baltimore: The Pick - Ravens

This is one of the games Ray Lewis was looking at on the schedule when he decided to shed a bunch of weight and basically become a strong safety. The Ravens D tends to eat-up finesse offenses.

Well at least Tannehil's got one
attribute of a big time quarterback.
Oakland by 2.5 over Miami: The Pick - Raiders

I'm picking against the Dolphins as long as Ryan Tannehill is taking the snaps.

Cincinnati by 7 over Cleveland: The Pick - Bengals

See above but substitute Weeden for Tannehill. (If you think I'm kidding, check-out their combined Week 1 stats: 32 of 67 for 337 yards, no touchdowns and 7 interceptions. I mean we're talking Jake Delhomme playoff numbers).

Washington by 3 over St. Louis: The Pick - Redskins

How many times today is Jeff Fisher going to think to himself, "we should've traded Bradford instead of the pick"?

Houston by 7 over Jacksonville: The Pick - Texans

Blaine Gabbert against a presumptive playoff team? I feel like I must be missing something about this line but I'm going to take the bait anyway. Not to mention, I'm not betting against this guy . . . "I heard Jim Brown once say the gladiator can't change Rome. I love Jim Brown. But I disagree. I'll die trying my brother." - Arian Foster.

Dallas by 3 over Seattle: The Pick - Dallas

I'm a buyer on the Cowboys this year until they inevitably start proving me wrong. I didn't see any of Russell Wilson's debut but there certainly seems to be a lot of hype for a guy who threw for 153 yards with one touchdown and one pick in a 20-16 loss to the Cardinals.

Pittsburgh by 5.5 over N.Y. Jets: The Pick - Jets

Man I'm starting to worry about the Steelers and when I say "worry," I mean "revel in the fact that their offensive line appears to be in tatters and it's become open buffalo season on Big Ben." I don't buy the offensive outburst from the Jets last week but they should be able to score enough to stay within 5 points of a sputtering offense playing against their still solid defense.

San Diego by 6 over Tennessee: The Pick - Titans

If not for the Raiders back-up long-snapper pulling a Chuck Knoblauch last week, the Chargers would be starting the season in their traditional funk. It's going to get a little funky today.

San Francisco by 6.5 over Detroit: The Pick - 49er's

"Hey, I'm really sorry that I bumped
into you last year and that you
handled it like such an  a-hole." 
Matthew Stafford threw three picks against the Rams last week and it easily could have been five. Now he has to play one of the best and nastiest defenses in the league. I could actually see this one getting ugly for the Lions which would be great because I then envision the following scenario. Jim Harbaugh completely misreads the tone of the moment and jokingly bumps Jim Schwartz during the handshake followed immediately by Ndamukong Suh making him disappear from the screen and then we have Pacers-Pistons II but on a football field.

TO BE CONTINUED . . . .

Endnotes

* Sad to tell those of you who aren't there yet, but the Saturday afternoon sports bar experience becomes something of an oasis once you have kids.

** In hindsight, I'm pretty sure I was in the wrong on that one. I mean who walks into a sports bar during college football and demands golf? What an asshole.

*** I just moved Gutterballs to the top of my Netflix queue - Movies with the Most F-Bombs.

**** This didn't actually happen but I know it crossed the guy's mind. The country club bartender gig is pretty sweet right up to the point where you learn that you can't turn-up the lights and yell "LET'S GO PEOPLE!"

Last week's record: 7-9 . . . Season record: 7-9 (if you don't count me blowing the Thursday night game this week by picking Jay Cutler against the Packers in Lambeau which was like watching the guy in college feed his snake and saying, "I've got $5 on the mouse").

Click here for Part 3.

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