Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Fantasy Golf: The FedEx St. Jude Classic Preview

The FedEx St. Jude Classic is one of those tournaments that, like Tuesdays, has no feel (the other obvious one is the Zurich Classic). As a result, it lands on the schedule this forgotten week between a high profile event like the Memorial and the U.S. Open. That usually means something of a generic brand field but we've got some players in the mix this week looking for a Merion tune-up on a course that is going to demand similar accuracy off the tee. Note the straight driving* past winners in Memphis - Justin Leonard (twice), David Toms (twice), Brian Gay, Jeff Maggert and Bob Estes. That list of dynamic champions calls to mind Gordon Gecko's classic barb, "Jesus, if this golf tournament owned a funeral parlor, nobody would die!"

We can only hope that maybe Phil Mickelson or Dustin Johnson gets interested and locks horns with a young stud like Billy Horschel or Russell Henley in a Sunday afternoon showdown. At least as far as Phil is concerned, however, I wouldn't be surprised if he's only heading to Memphis for 36 holes of practice and his pilot has already filed the Friday evening flight plan to Philly.

The FedEx St. Jude Top Five

Sean Young (who appeared in both of this week's FGR
featured films) was getting it done in the late 80's before
someone whacked her with the Hollywood crazy stick.
1. Brandt Snedeker
2. Billy Horschel
3. Tim Clark
4. Charles Howell, III
5. Russell Henley

Memorial Report Card: A-

1. Tiger Woods - T65th
2. Matt Kuchar - 1st
3. Keegan Bradley - T50th
4. Webb Simpson - M/C
5. Justin Rose - T8th
6. Adam Scott - T13th
7. Brandt Snedeker - M/C
8. Jason Day - T41st
9. Zach Johnson - T71st
10. Luke Donald - T21st

One of the great gloats of all-time takes place in Stripes** when John Winger and Russell Ziskey walk into the hangar after the mud wrestling match debacle and Ziskey says, "What's everybody so down about . . . didn't everybody make it with a beautiful MP tonight?"*** That's how I always feel when I pick a winner in my one and done league like I did at the Memorial ("didn't everybody pick Matt Kuchar this week?") . . . and yes, I just compared having sex with Sean Young in her prime to correctly picking the winner of a golf tournament. Welcome to my world.

Sorry if I led you astray by putting Tiger at the top of the rankings but if you still have Tiger available for one pick and you wasted it on the Memorial, that's a "you" problem. (In fairness, I probably should have mentioned that he played a practice round at Merion instead of Muirfield last Tuesday and is currently in full U.S. Open tweak mode). It should be noted that the last time he won a major (at the 2008 U.S. Open), he hadn't played a PGA Tour round since that year's Masters eight weeks earlier. It should also be noted that his record that year through the U.S. Open was four wins (including the Accenture Match Play), a 2nd at the Masters and a 5th at the WGC CA Championship. Sounds a little bit like the start of this year doesn't it? But let's not get ahead of ourselves. We'll save the Tiger-U.S. Open debate for next week when foreign reporters arrive and start asking really awkward questions about poultry.


* The major exception to this rule is defending champion Dustin Johnson who has never finished higher than 136th in driving accuracy. Then again, we covered why it would be futile to try to figure-out D.J. in the 2013 Preview when we decided that "moving the jet ski" might not really have anything to do with moving a jet ski.

** The undeniable (try to deny it, I dare you) best five year run for movie comedies occurred between 1978 and 1983 when we were treated to gems like (chronologically): Animal House (1978), Being There (1979), The Jerk (1979), Caddyshack (1980), The Blues Brothers (1980), Airplane (1980), 9 to 5 (1980), Arthur (1981), History of the World Part I (1981), Modern Problems (1981), 48 Hours (1982), Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982), Trading Places (1983) and Vacation (1983). Stripes (1981) belongs in the top five on that list but we'll save those rankings for another day.

Cruiser? My God who gave
you a badge and a gun?
*** Researching that Stripes quote led me to maybe my biggest "holy shit, that's the same actor?" moment ever when I discovered that John Diehl who played Cruiser in Stripes later played key roles in two of my favorite T.V. shows as Detective Larry Zito in Miami Vice and then as Assistant Chief Ben Gilroy in The Shield. How did I not know this? I must have known this. This is what I do. In fact, it may be the only thing I'm really good at. I'm genuinely shaken. I think I need to lie down.

Comments? Questions? Theories? Email the FGR - fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.

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