Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Fantasy Golf Preview: Northern Trust

"I have decreed that this year's champion
will be the Saskatchewan Roughriders."
I continue to grind my way through Part II of the Super Bowl Timeline but that of course is forcing me to re-watch the second half of the game which, for Ravens fans, is tantamount to sitting through back-to-back screenings of Caddyshack II. (If you haven't seen it, just trust me, it could be the worst movie ever made). I have to periodically pause it and remind myself that (a) the Ravens actually won and (b) the league can't come take the Lombardi Trophy back just because the Ravens lost the last 29 minutes and 49 seconds of the game* by a score of 25-6. (Then again, with Roger Goodell morphing into a modern day Colonel Walter Kurtz, you never know what kind of crazy shit the league office is going to pull).

Of course this is all just a distraction from the overwhelming pungent and putrid smell currently emanating from the tire fire that is my fantasy golf picks. The bad news is that three of the last four guys at the top of my "One and Done Top Five" have failed to cash a check. The good news is that I think I have found a pattern that is going to bust me out of this funk. The following is the list of players I have had ranked #2 on my "Overall Top Five" lists this season along with how they finished each tournament:

AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am: Brandt Snedeker - 1st
Waste Management Phoenix Open: Nick Watney - T43rd
Farmers Insurance Open: Tiger Woods - 1st
Humana Challenge: Brandt Snedeker - T23rd
Sony Open: Ryan Moore - M/C
Hyundai TOC: Dustin Johnson - 1st

That's three winners out of six events and, if you remove the Ryan Moore pick (which I must have made after snacking on some random wild berries or licking a frog), then I would be five for five on cuts made. Fortunately, I made this week's lists before discovering the trend so that should mean that they are unspoiled by any subconscious desire I might have had to put my lousy first choice in the second slot thereby sabotaging my own cockamamie system.** To further enhance the mojo factor, I am putting the defending champion and arguably the safest pick in the #1 spot and then not picking him in my own league. Take that gambling gods you sons 'a bitches.

The Overall Top Five
No more screwing around.
The game face is on this week.
Hey, the game face is up here.

1. Bill Haas
2. Aaron Baddeley
3. Bubba Watson
4. Phil Mickelson
5. Adam Scott

The One and Done Top Five

1. Bill Haas
2. Aaron Baddeley
3. Bubba Watson
4. Webb Simpson
5. Matt Kuchar

Last Week's Report Card: D-

1. Dustin Johnson - M/C
2. Nick Watney - M/C
3. Hunter Mahan - T16
4. Jason Day - 6th
5. Ryan Palmer - M/C

The lesson we learned last week is that you never pick the guy playing with his new girlfriend's dad, especially when that dad also happens to be the undisputed best player ever at his sport. Gretzky probably spent all three rounds saying things to D.J. like, "you're never going to win a major putting like that" and "nice drive but you're no Tiger Woods." In my defense, as noted above, I did have Brandt Snedeker ranked second in "The Overall Top Five" but I'm holding him out for a major so if you (a) were not holding him out for a major and (b) recognized that my #1 pick has been the kiss of death lately, then I handed you the winner. You're welcome.


* Jacoby Jones covered 108 yards including a broken tackle in 11 seconds. The technical description of that as presented by ESPN Sports Science's John Brenkus is "fast as shit."

** So for this to continue to be effective, I need to somehow make my picks every week with the knowledge that the player I put in the #1 spot is not going to win even though he is the player I think is going to win. This is going to require some serious hypnosis, binge drinking or frog licking.

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