Monday, August 29, 2011

The Barclays Update

As I was watching local news coverage of Hurricane Irene preempt the tape delayed final round of the Barclays, all I could think was “do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?....I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.”  Local news is like a toll booth without an EZPass lane.  You were pretty sure that, by keeping up with the most basic forms of modern technology, you had removed it from your life as an inconvenience and then it up and whacks you on the hand with its cane and says “not so fast sonny.”    

"Does anyone have some
roofing nails I can nibble on?"
Look, you can have your 6:00 p.m. weekday time slot to entertain those without cable TV and the dozens of fans that the cancellation of Larry King Live left behind but, on Saturday afternoon when we are snowbound or hurricane bound, stop overriding my golf coverage and subjecting me to the girl who would never shut-up in high school giving me a current weather report that I can see through my window.  Not to mention, if I want a forecast, do you think I’m going to trust the guy guest bartending at Bennigan’s this Friday night after he cuts the ribbon at the grand opening of the new Scion dealership, or badass Jim Cantore and the pros from Dover at the Weather Channel?  I don’t take swing tips from 17 handicaps so I’m not getting my weather from a guy who resisted Doppler radar technology for years because he thought the aching in his mother’s hip was more reliable. 
Fortunately, the Golf Channel came through with a replay of the third round so I was able to watch what had billed as the “exciting finish” to the Barclays.  I’m still trying to figure out which of the ten pars Dustin Johnson and Matt Kuchar made over the last five holes was the “exciting” part.  Maybe it was exciting because they had to take down the scoreboards which one of the announcers pointed out wouldn’t bother those guys who don’t look at scoreboards but would drive the scoreboard watchers crazy.  Are the actual scoreboards on the course really the only way a player can find out where he stands coming down the stretch?  If Johnson came to 18 and asked an official where he stood on the leaderboard, would the guy respond, “Sorry Dustin, I can’t give you that information but I can tell you that Blue Horseshoe loves par on this hole (wink, wink)?”  (I think my attempts to skew younger by ranting against the resistance to technology are being negated by my references to movies that came out over twenty years ago).  
"That's cool Adam because, you 
know, I hired a new caddie too."

Johnson’s win propelled him to the top of the FedEx standings.  Meanwhile my pick to win it all, Adam Scott inexplicably shot a 42 on the back nine on Saturday to drop from 9th to 67th in the tournament and 13th to 23rd in the overall standings.  Is it possible that Stevie Williams fears hurricanes more than he fears not being the center of attention?  (Could I pose another question to myself?)  Or maybe it was just the opposite and he couldn’t wait to get off the course so he could go surf Irene on a 2x4 while spearfishing barracudas with a Swiss Army knife.  On a semi-related note, we need Adam Scott to play Tiger in singles at the President’s Cup and Tiger to hire Brock Lesnar to caddie for him like Matt Dillon in My Bodyguard.  (Good Lord.  That’s a 31 year old movie reference.  I wonder if there were any good quotes in The Birth of a Nation?)   

No major surprises in the FedEx Cup standings as Vijay, Justin Rose and Y.E. Yang were the big movers.  Vijay should have won the tournament but his putting was really bad which, for Vijay, is like saying Keanu Reeves’ acting was really bad, like The Replacements bad.  My longshot John Merrick stayed alive, barely, and Sergio moved up a couple of spots.  Meanwhile, Ryan Moore, Zach Johnson and Spencer Levin who have missed three cuts combined since the first week of May all missed it this week.  What else do they have in common?  They’re all (a) on my team, (b) sitting outside of the Top 30, and (c) pissing me off.

"Jamaal Charles?....but the Chiefs'
schedule was so weak last year."

A shortened tournament with minimal drama means a light post this week.  And besides, we’re in the midst of fantasy football drafting season and I don’t see one running back without major bust potential so I need to stare at the cheatsheets like John Nash until a name rises off the page.  If only my imaginary friend would get out of my office and stop bothering me to go out for Chick-fil-A. 

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