Monday, January 8, 2018

The FGR's CFP National Championship Preview

Nick Saban is 11-0 when the team he coaches plays a team coached by a guy who used to work for him which is significant because Georgia head coach Kirby Smart is one of those guys. So the question you have to ask yourself (punk) is whether that trend will continue forever like teams going undefeated when they spot Andy Reid 18 points in a road playoff game or is it due to end? And if it's the latter, are we talking due to end imminently like the stint of the next Colts head coach or is it going to be the equivalent of Edwin Moses winning 122 consecutive races over ten years.* I'm betting the streak continues for at least one more game. I hope I'm wrong because Saban is a humorless dickhead but I don't think I am here's why:

1. Alabama's defense is healthy and back to its usual borderline NFL caliber. Clemson averaged 35+ points in the four meaningful games it played leading-up to the semifinal including 38 against the Miami Turnover Chains (snicker). Against Alabama, however, they could only muster 65 yards rushing, 124 yards passing and 6 measly points. I know Deshaun Watson was no longer in the equation so the 75 combined points they scored the last two times these teams played wasn't realistic but damn fellas.  

"I'm gonna earhole that fucking dog."
2. Georgia's never been to the title game before and they're lucky to be here now. Not to mention they have a freshman quarterback. Yeah he played well against Oklahoma but that may as well have been the prison guards from The Longest Yard compared to what he's going to face tonight. Alabama's defense is basically eleven Jefferson's from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and someone just sent them a picture of Uga X taking a shit on the hood of their Camaro. 

3. Despite fucking-up yet another attempt at wiping-out the Resistance which should've been a lay-up this time, the dark side and the First Order have been on a roll lately which bodes well for their minion Saban. 

Like I said, I hope I'm wrong but I think this is going to be a bit of defensive snoozer. 

Alabama - 17 . . . Georgia - 10

On the bright side, we should get multiple looks at the asinine commercial where the guy is cutting his grass on the hottest day of the year with a push mower when his teenage daughter asks him for a ride to her friend's house. He responds with a woeful sigh which clearly indicates that he would welcome one of those mower blades flying-off and granting him the sweet release of death. This in turn causes his daughter to stomp away in a tiff as her dad has failed her yet again. All hope seems lost when suddenly our guy has an epiphany and the next thing you know there's a backhoe digging a hole in his yard and voila, dad's a hero for building his family a deluxe swimming pool complex. Turns-out his salvation was buried under that fucking grass the whole time. Now he's hitting the gym more, drinking less and hardly ever has those dark times when he goes to the basement and no one is aloud to talk to him. How did our modern day Willy Loman magically make this happen when ten seconds ago he couldn't even afford to buy a decent riding lawn mower? Well thanks to the stock tips provided by Northwest Pacific Mutual Whale Dick Financial Consulting Advisors** of course. Suffice it to say the commercial didn't speak to me . . . because I already have a pool (HA! . . . Didn't see that coming did you?).  


* A little dash of notable sports history for you kids out there. Edwin Moses ran the 400m hurdles and, from 1977 to 1987, he didn't lose. He was one of those really cool dominant random athletes who made you feel proud to be an American from a time when shit like track and field mattered a little more. Think of Michael Phelps only if he was more like Marvin Gaye and less like Justin Bieber.  

** Inspired by one of the truly great SNL commercials ever.   

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