Friday, January 20, 2017

The NFL Conference Championship Games Picks

We're just not ready to commit to golf in 2017 as a full-time relationship. Too many red flags like the nine calls a day from her mother, the proclivity for baggy sweats over yoga pants and the refusal to simply acknowledge that John Entwistle was and is the Jerry Rice of bass players (it's not like you have a real opinion on the matter and you know it's important to me so just acknowledge it dammit!). Not to mention, it's not that fun when the same guy keeps winning. So before we hit the loaded field (including you know who) at the Farmers Insurance Open next week, let's crank-out some more football nonsense.

Atlanta by 4.5 over Green Bay: The Pick - Falcons

The good news is that this has the potential to be the greatest showdown of offensive firepower in playoff history. It's not just that Aaron Rodgers and Matt Ryan are involved, it's that the Falcons were ranked 28th in pass defense this year, the Packers were ranked 31st and they combined to allow 63 touchdown passes. The current over/under is 61 for Chrissake! To put that into some kind of random meaningless perspective, the Rams only scored 54 points in their last five games. (The Rams only scored 224 points all season. No wonder Jeff Fisher was so pissed about getting fired?) This could be a real passing hootenanny.

The bad news is that, thanks to the chicken shit at Baltimore County Public Schools who closes the gyms every time the temperature drops below 50 degrees and the sky shakes a drop, my kids now have about twenty-seven rescheduled games stacked on top of each other this Sunday. I think the leagues are actually playing multiple games on the same courts at the same time (in the case of my daughter's basketball team, that might actually make it watchable). Oh yeah, the FGW is headed to Florida for the weekend so I'm going to be busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest . . . on a fucking roller-skate. (I added that last part to make it my own). At least I'll see the fourth quarter of this game if I haven't been incarcerated for cold-cocking a ref, a coach, a parent or all three.

Hotlanta indeed!
But back to the game. It took Dallas the better part of a quarter to realize that the Packers' secondary comes pre-shredded and that maybe getting Dez Bryant involved was a good idea. Unfortunately, by then the Cowboys, Jason Garrett and Jason Garrett's Princeton diploma were down 21-3.

Suffice it to say that it ain't going to take the Falcons nearly that long to catch-on. Especially not when they have Julio Jones and nine other players who caught multiple touchdown passes this season. And, when they do decide to run it, they have arguably two of the ten best running backs in the league. Sprinkle in the fact that the Packers' receivers are all beat-up while the Falcons are relatively healthy and this feels like a one touchdown game. Falcons - 31 . . . Packers - 24.

New England by 5.5 over Pittsburgh: The Pick - Steelers

This would probably be a good time to mention that my pick for this game may be influenced by the fact that I made a somewhat ill-advised wager on the eve of the playoffs that BOTH the Patriots and the Cowboys would NOT make it to the Super Bowl because I was a DRUNK (I did get odds . . . though not very good ones). This pick is, however, quite defensible and here are a few reasons why:

(1) The Patriots gaudy record is bullshit. Ten of their fifteen wins this year were against losing teams and five of those ten were against the absolute drek of the league (Rams, 49ers, Browns and the Jets twice). Four of their wins against supposedly "good" teams are suspect because two were against the Dolphins who they've been treating like a rented minivan for the last fifteen years and another two were against the Texans who might have been the worst team to win a division in any sport since, well, I guess the 2015 Texans who went 9-7 and then got smoked by the Chiefs in the first round 30-0. Therefore, the only quality team they actually beat was the Steelers way back in Week 7 which might make you say "hold the phone there mister" but that just delivers us right to our next point which is that . . . 

(2) The Steelers have won eight games in a row including a manhandling of the Giants when they were rolling, a come from behind win over the Ravens in a must-win game (excuse me . . . FFFFFUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!! . . . ok, I'm back) and last week's win over the Chiefs. Some people are discounting that one because they weren't able to put the ball into the endzone and we like to call those people dumb asses (among other things). The Steelers dominated that game in yards gained and time of possession against a good team coming off a bye in a brutal place to play primarily because they have the best running back since Adrian Peterson in his prime. Oh yeah, they also have the best receiver in the league and a two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback who is at the peak of his talents. And one other thing . . .

"Stop touching me!!!"
(3) The Steelers have the SMOTF a/k/a the Scariest Mutherfucker on the Field in James Harrison. Don't underestimate the value of the SMOTF, especially against Tom Brady who has been known to turtle against other SMOTF's like Von Miller, Terrell Suggs, Trevor Pryce and Michael Strahan. We'll know by the end of the first quarter. If the Pats have a couple three and outs and the Golden Boy takes a few shots, it will be anybody's ballgame.

Of course as someone who despises both of these teams with the heat of a thousand suns, the only acceptable outcome would be for the entire stadium to just disappear from the face of the planet during the third quarter with Phil Simms in it. We'd just need to get Giselle out of there by halftime. Pittsburgh - 27 . . . New England - 24.

Last Week's Record: 2-2

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