Monday, April 10, 2017

The Most Idiotic Golf Article I've Read This Week

Nate Scott at just reminded me why the world needs the Fantasy Golf Report now more than ever thanks to his post Masters list of the "the 9 golfers we most want to see win a major." Now in Nate's defense, he's not really a golf writer (which will become painfully obvious in a minute). A look at Nate's writing credits shows that he likes to dabble in everything from the NFL to the NBA to the MLS (the MLS?). I don't know if he's more qualified to write about any of those and I never will because, after perusing this piece of crap, I will now avoid him like I try to avoid the crazy cashier at my dry cleaner who always mumbles about wanting to kill the asshole son of a bitch customer she had before me.

Here's Nate's list of golfers "we" most "want" to see win a major with selected quotes and FGR commentary (remember . . . THIS IS NOT MY STUPID FUCKING LIST!):

9. Branden Grace 

Most golf fans wouldn't even
recognize this as Branden Grace.
Primarily because it's Andy Sullivan.
We're off to a rocky start. While I'd give Grace a slightly better than 50/50 chance of one day winning a major, I have no burning desire to see him do so. And unless I'm missing some very subtle and subdued underground movement in support of a South African player that most American golf fans couldn't pick out of a lineup that included Alex Noren, Tyrrell Hatton, Bernd Wiesberger and their kid's orthodontist, then I don't think anyone really gives a shit if Branden Grace wins a major. 

8. Brooks Koepka

Apparently the thinking is that, based on his storied three plus year career, Koepka has won over the hearts of fans who now long to see him take his place in golf history alongside other players like Darren Clarke, Jim Furyk and Henrik Stenson, who performed at the highest level for years before finally earning golf's top honor. After seeing Koepka on the list, I assumed the next guy was going to be Jon Rahm or possibly a guy I'd never heard of before. And how about this line on Koepka's inevitable major win . . . "it's coming, and when it does, Koepka may become a lot more well known beyond die hard golf fans." No shit Grantland Rice. That's why they call them "majors."

7. Ian Poulter

According to Nate, "even the craziest USA fan would admit it would be pretty cool for the 41 year-old to finally find his first major." I guess as an American who chooses to passionately root for my home country to win the Ryder Cup, I would fall into that class of "craziest USA fan" so I will speak for the rest of the "crazies" when I say fuck Ian Poulter.

6. Hunter Mahan

There was always really only one
reason to root for Hunter Mahan.
This is the one that inspired me to start spewing venom. Hunter Mahan? Hunter Fucking Mahan?!? Are you shitting me?!? Here's Nate's unique take. "If he could re-find that focus and make a late charge at a major, it would be one of the better stories in golf." Ummm no it wouldn't. If Hunter Mahan won a major, it would immediately plummet into the dark realm of wins by the likes of Stewart Cink, Ben Curtis and Graeme McDowell that we wish had never happened. If Mahan was leading the PGA Championship by two strokes on Sunday, the ratings would be lower than ten minutes of QVC selling glow in the dark frisbees. 

5. Luke Donald

When I saw this one I reacted like Bluto at the sight of Kent Dorman on the screen. Nate apparently thinks that Donald would be a popular winner because in 2011 a/k/a the year that golf forgot, he won the Match Play and the Children's Miracle Network Hospitals Classic which propelled him to #1 in the world despite the fact that everyone knew Rory McIlroy could've beaten him by ten shots using Harry Vardon's clubs. If Donald won the U.S. Open, the lead story on the Golf Channel the next day would be the CVS Health Charity Classic preview.         

4. Steve Stricker

I can't argue with Nate here. I'd love to see Steve Stricker win a major. You know who else I'd like to see win a major? Boris Becker. Why not? He's year younger than Stricker and probably has about the same chance. Nate sites Stricker's tie for 16th at this year's Masters as evidence that this could happen. Sure he only lost by nine shots and finished behind fifteen other players and he had to pull a final round 68 out of his ass to do that but if he had just made one or two more putts . . .          

3. Lee Westwood

Relatively minor beef with Nate on this one considering the overall stupidity of his list but the fact is that Westwood should be #1. He is by all accounts a great guy and clearly has the most worthy resume of any non-major winner considering he's finished top five in eleven of them. So who did Nate the Great place ahead of Westwood?

2. Rickie Fowler

Of course he did. Ooohhh look, shiny. At this point Nate decides to show-off his golf chops by describing Rickie as "the best golfer alive to not have a major" which would be pretty accurate if it wasn't completely wrong. Hideki Matsuyama is ranked higher and kicked Fowler's ass straight-up in a playoff at the 2016 Waste Management Phoenix Open. Or maybe Nate was using the old reliable eye test. Fine. I'll take Jon Rahm and you can have Rickie. First one to win a major. How much you wanna bet? 

1. Matt Kuchar

Can't argue with Nate on putting Kuch #1 but he describes him as "so underrated that he's ceased to be underrated." What in the fuck does that mean? Kuch has won The Players and the Match Play. He's been on four Ryder Cup teams and has eight top ten finishes in majors. If he's not currently considered the best active player never to have won a major, then he's in the top five. Nothing has been more accurately rated since someone described the Honda Accord as the best midsize family sedan for the money.

So here's my advice to Nate. Do some actual research. Write words that make sense. Dump 5-9 on your list and replace them with Matsuyama, Brandt Snedeker, Jon Rahm, Bill Haas and Andrew Johnston (Beef). And leave golf writing to the experts.

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at and follow us on Twitter at fgr@fantasygolfrep.

No comments: