|"We thought he was a quarterback
but to our surprise,
we climbed aboard his starship
and headed for the skiiiieeees..."
But what happens if the Broncos botch the return forcing them to start on their own five yard line. On the first play from scrimmage, Tebow drops back into the endzone to pass and Troy Polamalu comes flying off the end and strip sacks him and then recovers the ball for a touchdown? Does the touchdown count? I know the game ends as soon as the Steelers gain possession but at that same moment they also score a touchdown which would give them a nine point win and produce the most unbelievable and reviled cover of all time followed by the world being plunged into total darkness. And then, just when we think all hope is lost, there would be a great burst of light and suddenly everyone on Earth (except for Hines Ward) is on a 7 billion seat passenger jet to an eternal paradise piloted by you know who.
Saints - Lions: Let's just say that at no point on Saturday night did I become concerned that I was down 17.5 against the spread with this guy on my side: Drew Brees v. The Archer.
|"When he throws 4 touchdown passes
against the Bucs, the Matrix is telling my
brain that he can win the Super Bowl."
Texans-Bengals: It's comforting to know that, at least for now, the Bengals are still who we thought they were. Andy Dalton appears to have the makings of a young Matt Ryan. At least let's hope so.
The Jets: It's comical that the Jets are turning on Mark Sanchez two years AFTER he revealed himself to be a petulant punk on Hard Knocks. My favorite scene as described by ESPN's Rich Cimini: "Mark Sanchez is being lectured in a meeting room by QB coach Matt Cavanaugh but the young quarterback seemingly ignores him, fiddling with his backpack and refusing to make eye contact." I guess I should give Sanchez some slack because I do remember acting that way at least once in my life. I think it was when my 7th grade science teacher confronted me about my blacking-out part of the letters on the cover of my text book so instead of saying Investigating the Earth, it said Invest in the Fart. If anyone wants to trade a 4th round (and falling) draft pick for a quarterback with the leadership skills and work ethic of a wise-ass 13 year old, give the Jets a call. I'm sure if you throw-in one of those sideline heaters and a half a dozen chinstraps, they'll include Santonio Holmes in the deal.
|"CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS
CAN'T SAVE THIS MOVIE!"
Mark May: For those who don't know who he is, Mark May was a standout offensive lineman for the University of Pittsburgh and then the Washington Redskins who now works for ESPN as a college football analyst with Lou Holtz on what I assume is one of the network's lower tier shows (because Kirk Herbstreit is not on it). The few times I've watched May, I've found him to be one of those guys who states the obvious with the conviction of a motivational speaker but I couldn't have given you an example of this because I never paid that much attention to him . . . until now. A couple of weeks ago, he dropped this unforgettable nugget as one of his predictions for 2012. "You know what I don't want to see in 2012 . . . another Penn St." (I'm assuming he wasn't talking about their terrible passing game). And with that, he just swooped in at the last minute and stole the Most Egregious Statement of the Obvious title from the Japanese weatherman who said back in September, "you know what I really don't want to see in 2012 . . . another tsunami." (OK, I made that last part up).
|"Missed it by that much."