Saturday, November 30, 2013

The FGR Week 13 NFL Picks

Let's continue with the Thanksgiving themed picks. (Hey, way to knock yourself out on the introduction).

At Indianapolis by 4.5 over Tennessee: The Pick - Colts

I am thankful that the Colts are going down the tubes and it's driving the Mad Tweeter out of his mind. Here is a sample from his November 26th multi-tweet tantrum that was apparently set-off by someone putting their nut sack on his drum set:

"I didn't break the bank, millions cash over cap/Load Brinks Truck, only to be hijacked n stormed on way 2 stadium by machine gun MANIACS!" - @JimIrsay.

"Daddy daddy look at me!!!
I'm funny right? . . . Dad?"
First of all ass hat, apparently you missed the memo but no one wants to hear about money woes in any form from the petulant 54 year old man child who inherited a football team from his daddy that Forbes estimates is now worth $1.2B. Second of all, if you had any real stones, instead of tweeting "we gotta get our heads out of r butts-WAKE UP!," you'd walk into the locker room, excuse your bodyguard and say it directly to the players. And thirdly, if it's time to start removing heads from butts, I'm pretty sure the players and coaches would love a demonstration.

I've got nothing on the Titans. Call us when you get a quarterback who is not mobile/injury prone because I'm pretty sure that's not sustainable.

Denver by 3.5 at Kansas City: The Pick - Broncos

I am thankful that Peyton Manning completely ignored his own Achilles heel and decided to sign with a team that is guaranteed to play in cold weather during the playoffs. In games played where the temperature at kickoff was under 40 degrees, Manning's record is 8-11 with 27 touchdown passes and 27 interception. I will never understand why he didn't go to Arizona to play with Larry Fitzgerald though I must admit that the Manning face is never better than when he makes it with while wearing a turtleneck with his hands stuffed in that man purse around his waste.

As for the Chiefs, I see things getting very dicey after their fast start and I'm thankful that there is almost no chance that I will ever have to see Andy Reid eat a plate of ribs because I would imagine that is not pretty.

At Cleveland by 7 over Jacksonville: The Pick - Browns

I am thankful that Paul Tagliabue decided to screw over Baltimore and put a team in Jacksonville. Otherwise, we could have been saddled with that mess of a franchise. Instead, Baltimore got the Browns, Ozzie Newsome and two first round draft picks in the 1996 draft which yielded Jonathan Ogden (4th) and Ray Lewis (26th).* You're still an a-hole Tagliabue but thanks anyway.

I am thankful that the Browns are in the Ravens' division and I don't think I need to elaborate on that. (Sorry this is a bit Ravens heavy . . . but it's my website).

#3 - Catrinel Menghia from The
Tour Championship Preview
At Philadelphia by 3.5 over Arizona: The Pick - Eagles

Not much to say about this one (though it could be the game of the weekend and I am thankful that we may be seeing the rebirth of Larry Fitzgerald's career) so I'm going to be thankful for the eclectic group of beauties who grace these posts on a weekly basis. Let's pay homage to what I believe our the top three based on FGR traffic to date with a brief montage. Enjoy. (I'd be kidding myself if I didn't believe that the FGR is like one of those steak house/strip joints in that no one really pays the cover charge for the steak though when it's good they think, "well that was a nice bonus").

At Carolina by 8.5 over Tampa Bay: The Pick - Bucs

I've got nothing on this game either so I'll be thankful for the invention of satellite radio and downloadable podcasts. I have to believe that, as a society, our collective IQ has been increased by the reduction in local radio advertising that permeates our brains. Those ads used to send me lunging for the dial but now, on those random occasions when I hear a spot for a used car dealer or a local rehab clinic, I get a warm nostalgic feeling like when I see someone use their turn signal.**

Chicago by 2.5 at Minnesota: The Pick - Bears

I am thankful that I will get to see Adrian Peterson live next Sunday while he is still in his prime. Despite all of my issues with attending games that I vented about in the Thanksgiving picks (see below), there is still something very cool about seeing one of the all-time best play at the peak of his powers . . . even if the Ravens are going to put eleven on the line of scrimmage and dare Christian Ponder to beat them thereby limiting AP to a bunch of 2 yard dives.

At N.Y. Jets by 1.5 over Miami: The Pick - Dolphins

I am thankful that the NFL has used the Jonathan Martin-Richie Incognito situation to jump out in front of this bullying issue with a series of public service announcements featuring high profile players and sending the message that bullying isn't cool. (What's that? Nothing? You mean Ray Lewis and Deion Sanders haven't even found their way in front of a camera to speak on this? Wow).

I am thankful that the Ravens said thanks but no thanks to Rex Ryan and hired John Harbaugh instead. And in the end, it kind of worked-out well for everyone. The big market Jets got a big mouthed coach and a couple of runs to the AFC Championship Game that never would have happened without him. Unfortunately for them, they didn't recognize the tight window that was the Rex Ryan era. If only they'd had some kind of warning sign back around December of 2010 right before things started coming unglued (Mmmmm feet).

At Buffalo by 3.5 over Atlanta: The Pick - Bills

#2 - Rosie Jones from The Waste
Management Phoenix Open
.***
I am thankful that I don't live in either of these cities. One doesn't have a sports soul and the other's is cold, dark and currently at the mercy of a 95 year old owner who thinks it would be a good thing to hear the Canadian national anthem before NFL games. (Just writing that felt weird).

At San Fran. by 7.5 over St. Louis: The Pick - Rams

I am thankful that the Ravens got the Harbaugh who has spent his whole life answering the question, "what's the deal with your brother?" I am also thankful for the Rams' helmets because they're pretty sweet.

New England by 8 at Houston: The Pick - Patriots

I am thankful that, despite having one of the three greatest quarterbacks of all-time, the Bill Belichik led Patriots have not won a Super Bowl since the 2004-05 season. Since that win over the great (ahem) Donovan McNabb, the Patriots have been knocked-out of the playoffs by the following quarterbacks: Eli Manning (twice), Joe Flacco (twice), Peyton Manning, Jake Plummer and Mark Sanchez (yes, that Mark Sanchez). If the NFL season ended today, first there would be mass hysteria and rioting in the streets but then once that was subdued, we'd be looking at a very strong chance of a Chiefs-Patriots Divisional Round game. How great would it be to add Alex Smith's name after the pedestrian quarterbacks at the end of that list? Pretty great . . . that's how great.

I am thankful that no one ever got the opportunity to buy Arian Foster stock. If you're not familiar with this story, check it out here but in short, Foster was going to sell stock in himself for $10M and shareholders would get 20% of his football related earnings in return. On it's face, this would appear to be a very risky proposition for investors in light of Foster's injury history and the fact that he plays a position not known for its longevity. But when you really give it some thought, you realize that it would be like buying shares of Blockbuster out of the trunk of a Cadillac with a license plate that reads "Madoff1."

At San Diego PK against Cincinnati: The Pick - Chargers

I am thankful for the impending implosion of both the Bengals and Chargers which will begin with this week's match up for one of them ("Implosion Bowl I"). After this, the Bengals head home to play the Colts ("Implosion Bowl II") and then they go to Pittsburgh. By the time they're done, we should be looking at a 7-7 team on the verge of collapse. The Chargers get a bit of a pass as they are only the third best team in their division but upcoming losses to the Giants and Broncos should put the finishing touches on another mediocre effort in 2013 (the Chargers record over the last four seasons is 29-30 with a high of 9-7 and a low of 7-9 which pretty much tells the whole story).

At Washington by 2.5 over N.Y. Giants: The Pick - Giants

#1 - Lucy Pinder a/k/a
Amber Watney. ****
I am thankful for the never-ending saga that is the RG, III era Redskins. If you've never been around Redskin fans for an extended period of time, you probably can't appreciate the assoholic arrogance that they exude. It can best be described as a more refined form of douchebaggery than that found in Boston sports fans. It's a little less rough around the edges and Redskins fans don't get mad when the season turns sour, they just kind of turn sour with it.

I am thankful for Eli Manning beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl . . . twice. And if you ever doubted my pure hatred for the Patriots, the fact that they inspired me to root for a New York team should tell you everything you need to know.

At Seattle by 5.5 over New Orleans: The Pick - Saints

I am thankful for Marshawn Lynch who produced one of the greatest runs in NFL history on this play the last time the Saints visited Seattle. On the other side, I am thankful for Jimmy Graham who has almost single-handedly dragged one of my fantasy teams to first place despite a revolving door of quarterbacks which has included starts by Michael Vick, RG, III, Nick Foles and Joe Flacco. It's been a bit of a bumpy ride.

And finally I am thankful for NFL scheduling which, starting with the Broncos-Chiefs match-up in Week 11, has and will produce some major impact games as they play out the season. In Week 12 we had Broncos-Patriots, this week its Saints-Seahawks and on the horizon we have Panthers-Saints (twice), Seahawks-49ers, Ravens-Lions (OK, that's a stretch), Patriots-Ravens and five games in Week 17 that will likely have playoff implications for both teams involved: 49ers-Cardinals, Chiefs-Chargers ("Implosion Bowl III"), Rams-Seahawks, Ravens-Bengals and Eagles-Cowboys. Remember, you can't spell "parity" without "party." (Not necessarily sure that's at all relevant but ending these things can be a pain in the ass).

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Record against the spread to date: 98-77-3.

Endnotes

* That entire first round has to go down as one of the best ever as 15 of the 30 players picked went on to be Pro Bowlers including Eddie George, Simeon Rice and Marvin Harrison. Who were some of the teams that missed their 50/50 shot at one of those impact players? Pretty much who you would expect - the Raiders, Lions, Bucs, Dolphins, Redskins and Rams (twice). And of course you can't forget the Browns who lost their team just as it was about to draft two future Hall of Famers. I'm not sure "God hates Cleveland covers it on that one." I think that's more a of a "Cleveland slept with God's wife and then left an unflushed bomb in the toilet" situation.

Sorry, but that one's on you bro for
letting her drive in the first place.
** For my younger readers, a "turn signal" was a blinking light on either side of the front and back of a car that you would activate to courteously tell other drivers that you were preparing to make a turn. It also used to serve as a safety feature before driving while talking on the phone made it more dangerous to use because it would result in a lack of hands being available to operate the steering wheel. But don't worry, driving while talking on the phone isn't any more dangerous than say, driving while filleting a halibut.

*** Rosie Jones is to the FGR what Alec Baldwin is to Saturday Night Live but I went with the Waste Management Preview because (a) it's one of my personal favorites and (b) I know there are a lot of crossover fans between Downton Abbey and the FGR.

**** Lucy first appeared in The Zurich Classic Preview when I mistook a picture of her for Nick Watney's wife Amber. The next thing I knew, the FGR was getting bombarded with hits and a new editorial direction for the website was born. The fact that there is actually a picture of her taking a turkey out of the oven while wearing Ravens purple for the Thanksgiving edition just tells me that we have a bond that runs deeper than simply stalker/stalkee (how can "stalkee" not be a real word)?