Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Fantasy Golf: The Shriners Hospitals Open Preview

Funny story about me and Shriners Hospitals (holy shit what're the odds?). My father in-law belongs to one or more organizations affiliated with the Shriners and that's all I'm going to say about that because I don't want to get on the wrong side of the Illuminati. Anyway, several years ago he invited me to attend a bull roast to benefit the Shriner's Hospitals and who doesn't love a good old fashioned bull roast? (Well, me for one but it was free and going with my father in-law put me in good stead with the FGW for at least five minutes). 

"You guys ever been 
to a steeplechase?"
So I got dressed in the standard FGR uniform for hobnobbing with gritty guys including a pair of jeans that you couldn't buy at Sears or Walmart and a tucked-in checkered button down that almost certainly sported a country club logo of some kind. Suffice it to say I was overdressed and looked like the complete douchebag that I was (and currently am). I then spent three hours trying to get drunk on keg beer and yelling above the din about the Ravens, the Orioles and anything else to keep the subjects away from politics and the fact that I'm a golfing lawyer with a taste for Pinot Grigio who still woefully laments the fact that Downton Abbey is gone and never coming back. 

At the end of the event, there was a 50/50 drawing with a first prize of about $1,600 and everyone was riveted as the master of ceremonies read-off the winning number. And then read it off again . . . and again . . . and again for what was seriously like fifteen minutes as people read and re-read their tickets to make sure they weren't the winner. My father in-law had bought me about a dozen (because God forbid I buy my own) and my numbers weren't even close. After a while, however, I noticed a single unspoken for ticket sitting in the middle of an empty part of the table. I picked it up and it was beer soaked, with a spot of barbecue sauce on it but, most importantly, it was the winner.  

The first thing I tried to do was give the ticket to my father in-law (at least that's how I remember it). He of course refused iso I had to walk to the front of the banquet hall rocking my country club guy trying to fit-in look and claim the prize which was directly funded from the pockets of the roughly one thousand real men glaring at me thinking "who in the fuck brought the florist?" 

Whether it was panic, an impulsive urge to do the right thing or both, when I got to the guy with the microphone I told him that I wanted to donate the money to the hospitals. The son of a bitch then made me repeat it into the microphone at which point the crowd cheered and, for one moment, I was a goddamn hero thanks to my Charlie Bucket stroke of luck and the fact that I had consumed enough fizzy lifting drink to convince me that giving away that chunk of money was a good idea (which it probably wasn't). As I was walking back to our table, I overheard a guy say to no one in particular but intentionally loud enough for me to hear, "must be nice to not need $1,600 . . . fucking idiot." In a rare moment of restraint and awareness for my surroundings, I said nothing and kept walking.

And hey look at that, our story has a something of a relevant point as Charley Hoffman has pledged all of his winnings this week to victims of the Las Vegas shooting. For that, he earns our admiration along with top pick because who else could we root for? As for the rest of the line-up, you may detect some overlap with the PGATour.com Power Rankings but that's completely coincidental. I assure you.  

One and Done Pick: Charley Hoffman
Every nickname Charley Hoffman has
ever had must have started with "Big"
 right? "Big Boy" . . . "Big Dog" . . . etc.


DraftKings Top Ten Value Picks

Webb Simpson
$11,000
Ryan Moore
$9,400
Charley Hoffman
$9,000
Kevin Streelman
$8,400
Luke List
$8,300
Smylie Kaufman
$8,200
Nick Taylor
$7,600
Scott Piercy
$7,400
Patton Kizzire
$7,100
Brian Stuard
$6,900

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.