Sunday, November 9, 2014

The FGR Week 10 NFL Picks

(Editor's note: These picks are being posted at approximately 12:45 p.m. EST on Sunday to ensure that they are used for minimal gambling purposes and don't cost someone their kid's college fund).

For lunch on Friday I ate an organic turkey sandwich with soy cheese on Quinoa bread. It is part of the FGW's recent approach to better living through whatever the opposite of chemistry is and the only place I see this heading is a diet consisting of nothing but freshly fallen leaves, rain water and kelp. One of the byproducts of this kind of diet is supposed to be a healthier brain. A healthier brain should lead to better decision making. Better decision making should lead to better football picks. In short, I'm pulling-out all of the stops.

Dallas by 6.5 over Jacksonville (in London): The Pick - Cowboys

You got to hand it to white people, when
we get pushed out of the old sports, we
just hunker down and invent a new one.
I hate giving this many points in a London game because they always seem to devolve into slop-fests with weird scores like 22-15 (this is based on no actual research which will be a common theme running through today's picks). In the defense of the players, it's got to be a little weird playing in front of a bunch of fans clad in Quidditch robes who cheer the loudest everytime the ball hits someone's foot.

Detroit by 2.5 over Miami: The Pick - Dolphins

One of these teams is starting to really look legitimate and it's not the Lions who are currently the FGR's 2014 team with what appears to be a deceptively good record. I don't know. Maybe it's the wins over the Jets, Vikings and Falcons. The upcoming stretch against the Dolphins, Cardinals and Patriots in which the over/under on interceptions thrown by Mattew Stafford shoud be 6.5 will restore some sense of order. 

Kansas City by 2 at Buffalo: The Pick - Chiefs

This is a must win for the Chiefs because, other than two remaining games with the Raiders, they might have the most brutal remaining schedule of any team in the league (Seahawks, Broncos, at Cardinals, at Steelers, Chargers). Or at least the most brutal of all the teams I have checked which would include the Chiefs and um . . . there you have it. 

New Orleans by 5 over San Francisco: The Pick - Saints

When things start trending south with a coach and his players as they are in San Francisco, they rarely stop trending in that direction. Especially when the coach in question is a simmering fire in the janitor's closet of a chemical plant like Jim Harbaugh. The introductory press conference at his next job is going to be appointment viewing. And don't tell me he's going to Michigan. He's one of the five best coaches in the NFL. Harbaugh going to Michigan would be like me going back to litigating amusement park slip and fall cases. ("So let me get this straight, despite the twelve posted warning signs and the fact that water is generally recognized as the most common cause of slippery surfaces, you were surprised to find the steps entering the wave pool to be slippery? Just one follow-up question . . . are you fucking kidding me?").

Baltimore by 9.5 over Tennessee: a The Pick - Ravens

"This sucks hon."
Unfortunately for the Ravens, despite their Super Bowl win just twenty-one months ago, they are under a lot of pressure from the Baltimore fans thanks to the Orioles somewhat sudden demise in the ALCS. At this point, we're basically a bunch of spoiled kids who's X-Box just broke. A Ravens' loss at home to the Titans would pretty much be the equivalent of our parents telling us we're not getting a new one until Christmas. WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Pittsburgh by 5 at N.Y. Jets: The Pick - Steelers

In the two weeks since I buried Ben Roethlisberger's Super Bowl potential, he's thrown for over 800 yards and 12 touchdowns. As the athlete who has delivered more daggers to the gut of my sports happiness, all I can say is "well played sir." 

Atlanta by 2.5 at Tampa Bay: The Pick - Bucs

A game only Matt Ryan and Mike Glennon's mothers could love and even that is debatable as everyone has their own limit on how much bad football they can watch:

Matt Ryan: "What'd you think of the game mom?"

Mrs. Ryan: "Well Matty, you know sometimes we don't get your games on TV up here wherever we live."

Matt Ryan: "But I bought you that dish and the NFL Sunday Ticket . . ."

Mrs. Ryan: "What's that Matt? I'm sorry, now the phone's not working either. Curse this technology."

Denver by 11.5 at Oakland: The Pick- Broncos

We know two things for sure about Peyton Manning: (1) His forehead is so big that you could paint a replica of the Mona Lisa on it and (2) he can't stand not being recognized as the best quarterback in the league. Because of No. 2, you know that getting shown-up by Tom Brady last week combined with Roethlisberger's shenanigans are driving him nuts. In a rare piece of fantasy advice from the FGR, I'd advise starting every Bronco you have including the left tackle.

Arizona by 7 over St. Louis: The Pick - Cardinals

"Aw prairie shit . . . they can
play in the Go Daddy Bowl."
I've got nothing on this game so instead let's acknowledge the Arizona St. Sun Devils for knocking Notre Dame out of the college football playoff picture last night. To paraphrase Olson Johnson, "alright, we'll give playoff spots to the Bulldogs and the Ducks . . . but we don't want the Irish."** 

Seattle by 9 over N.Y. Giants: The Pick - Giants

OK, we peaked with the Blazing Saddles reference so let's run out the rest of these picks. Hard to believe the Seahawks are still getting this much respect for a Super Bowl that they basically won with a different team. Meanwhile, this is right about the time the Giants start getting on everyone's nerves by looking like a contender one week and drek the next. I'm going with contender this week.

Green Bay by 7.5 over Chicago: The Pick - Packers

If the Jay Cutler mega contract taught us anything, it's that you don't hand a ton of money to a guy who's defining characteristic is "petulance" unless he invented Facebook. 

Philadelphia by 6.5 over Carolina: The Pick - Panthers

You might think that this pick was inspired by a lack of confidence in Mark Sanchez . . . and you'd be right.

Footnote

* I am aware that I have tap danced around race and ethnicity a bit in this one but you know what makes it even better? I'm writing this from the parking lot of a Catholic church while my daughter's at Sunday School. Hey, at least I'm on the property.

Last Week's Record: 6-7 . . . Season Record: 61-71-1.

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