|"OK, I'm listening."|
9:45 a.m.: I kicked-off the day by attending my six year old daughter's soccer game. At that age, they generally play 4 v.4 or 5 v. 5 and the rule of thumb is that if you have two kids who understand the object of the game, you win. Unfortunately for the opponents of my daughter's team, her squad is apparently comprised entirely of girls who spent the last three years getting pushed around in the back yard by their older brothers and now it's payback time. I don't think they could have scored faster or more often if the opposing coach had blown the whistle and then immediately thrown the ball into his own team's goal. The two best parts of this experience for me are: (1) I was the coach on the wrong end of these beatdowns six years ago so I've earned this and (2) I am not coaching this team so I don't have to worry about the sportsmanship implications when the score hits 6-0. I can just stand on the sideline while smugly pretending to be happy for the girls on the other team when they actually get a foot on the ball. The words "patronizing clap" come to mind.
10:45 a.m.: I spent about the next hour hovering over FGK1, pretending to make sure he got some homework done while resisting the urge to say, "sucks to be you dude" and "really, is there a bigger waste of time than 7th grade homework?" I mean looking back, wouldn't the play have been to almost fail-out of school from 7th-10th grade and then make a miraculous comeback in 11th-12th. Then conjure-up some bullshit adversity story like you ran into problems with model airplane glue that you had to overcome. Throw that into your application essay, add a few oboe lessons and some rudimentary fencing skills and you're an Ivy League lock right?
12:30 p.m.: The FGW took FGK 1 and 3 to the steeplechase (this is actually not as snooty as it sounds . . . t's snootier) and FGK2 was out birthday shopping with his grandparents so I had exactly two hours of free time which is also known as that netherworld of having just not quite enough time to play nine holes of golf. So I went and got a new propane tank for the grill, swam some laps at the indoor pool, ate lunch while watching twenty minutes of Friday Night Lights (a movie that literally has every storyline end sadly yet I still can't stop watching it) and then just barely caught myself before I dozed-off and missed FGK2's soccer game. (Empty house + couch + turkey sandwich + re-watched movie = ZZZzzzzz).
3:00 p.m.: I should have stayed on the couch. FGK2's team took the field with the enthusiasm of a bunch coal miners climbing onto the elevator the day after a cave-in and then it went downhill from there. The only thing worse from a coaching perspective than having an unmotivated team line-up against a more talented opponent is when your team is made-up of nine and ten years olds which kind of limits your ability to pull a Coach Dale from Hoosiers. In fact, I think you could scream, "maybe they were right about us . . . maybe we don't belong up here" at a bunch of ten year old boys and they'd look at you like "yeah, they probably were right about us ass-hat but you scheduled these all-stars . . . can we go home now?"
|"I need more crossbar baby."|
To be continued . . . on to the Thursday night pick.
At Cleveland by 4.5 over Buffalo: The Pick - Cleveland
If the Browns and the Bills play a Thursday night game in October and no one watches it, will it really have happened? Clearly this is the NFL's way of killing two birds with one stone by satisfying the "everyone gets at least one night game requirement" for two of its most unwatchable teams in one shot. It's no coincidence that this game is up against the start of the baseball playoffs and the season premieres of about a dozen shows including NBC's latest attempt to reclaim Thursday nights by trotting-out actors who haven't been funny in ten years (Sean Saves the World and the Michael J. Fox Show? Really?).*** I think Brad Nessler and Mike Mayock are contractually allowed to bail on this game if there's no score at halftime and hand the microphones to recently indicted Cleveland morning DJ's Rover and Toomey. At least that would get me to watch.
As for the game itself, Billy Cundiff is apparently the only guy who got the tanking memo as he missed 37 and 49 yard field goals last Sunday that were both more painful to watch than the Boom Goes the Dynamite guy (when a total lack of preparation meets opportunity . . . this never gets old). Who else but the Browns would torment their fans by signing a kicker who is still scarred from missing a 32 yard field goal that cost his team a chance to go to the Super Bowl? Even with that baggage, I like the Browns to keep their failed tanking mission going for at least the next two weeks against the Bills and the Lions which should be just long enough to get the hopes of some fans up before they drop them like a watermelon from a tenth floor window.
Last Week's Record: 8-6-1 . . . Season Record: 35-26-1
Email the FGR here.
* I like to write down the lines and make one pass through the picks on Monday while what I saw on Sunday is still fresh. There are usually about six games that jump out at me as only having one possible outcome. In this week's case, my picks for those games are the Browns, Colts, Packers, Chargers, Broncos, 49ers and Falcons. The knee-jerk reaction is usually a result of having Peyton Manning on one side of the match-up or Matt "Two for Us - One for You" Schaub on the other. Wait, I'm trying to analyze games again aren't I . . . sorry.
|This game is brutal. |
Switch it back over to
The Vampire Diaries.
*** You know you're reaching when you use the actor's name in the title of the show. I'm not sure this has worked since the days of Bob Newhart and Mary Tyler Moore but give NBC credit for trying anything and everything. I'm sure The Wacky Adventures of Todd Bridges can't be far behind.