Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Deutsche Update

I never realized how much I truly hated school as a kid until last week when I sent my boys off for their first days of 2nd and 5th grade and I felt like I was sending them to work in a coal mine.  I find myself wondering if the same educational goals couldn’t be accomplished by reading a few books, watching the History Channel, working in retail (the most underrated learning experience in the world) and playing fantasy sports.  I know that I’ve learned more about doing research from trying to discover trends in the statistics of wide receivers in their first two years as an indicator of an impending breakout season than I ever learned following a librarian back and forth from the card stacks to the bookshelves wondering, “why in the hell didn’t they just put this stuff in alphabetical order.”  Melvil Dewey had to be one of the first guys in history to use compromising pictures of a public official to get a government contract because that "system" sucks. 

"You may putt like Crenshaw
but you drive it like sh-t."
What does this have to do with the Deutsche Bank Championship?  Nothing.  Frankly I’m in no mood to talk about it after Team Jerkstore dropped a collective turd on the final round highlighted by Rickie Fowler’s 77 which took him from 31st to 37th in the standings.  I thought we were past all that after Rickie followed-up his Sunday 74 at Aronimink with a T5 at the British and a T2 at the Bridgestone.  Since then he’s placed T51, T52 and T52.  The guy is about as consistent as a self-taught 22 year old.  (Wait a second.  He’s what?  Why in the hell did I take him in the second round ahead of Jason Day then?)  Apparently I jumped on Rickie a year too soon but he’s got one more week to prove me wrong.  “FORGET ABOUT THE CURVE BALL RICKIE….GIVE HIM THE HEATER!!!”                    

"Thanks Big Guy."
To make matters worse, Chez Reavie handed Webb Simpson the first place check after bogeying the reachable par 5 18th hole on Sunday by airmailing the green with a wedge when all he needed was a par to win.  I believe Johnny Miller’s exact quote before he hit it was “you make par from here about 49 times out of 50 right?”  By “you,” I assume he was talking to Roger Maltbie, Gary Koch or any of the other pros in the vicinity not named “Chez” who would have hit it on the front of the green and two-putted for the win.  But then I learned after the round that it wasn’t Chez’s fault because Webb Simpson told Maltbie that he had felt the Lord’s presence all day.  It’s hard to control your ball flight when God wants it to go long.  Not even Tiger Woods 2000 could have done that.  Well, maybe. 

Now we move onto Cog Hill for some last minute shuffling before the Tour Championship.  At this point, we’ve only had three players move into the Top 30 (Reavie, Y.E. Yang and Kyle Stanley) replacing D.A. Points, Tommy Gainey and Martin Laird.  They may have finally gotten this playoff formula right as every guy who deserves a look as the best player of 2011 is in the Top 20 along with some riff raff like Reavie and Vijay.  It’s really the Top 12 but I had to stretch it to 20 to include my man Keegan Bradley who has two wins including a major.  Bradley missed the cut by one this week after bogeying the 18th hole.  (There’s a joke in there somewhere about God, Webb Simpson, an Irish kid having a tough stretch and the potato famine but this is a non-denominational blog so I'm not going there).    

If Watney and Stricker can bump Kuchar and Snedeker out of the Top 5, then we’d have the five most deserving players heading to East Lake in control of their own destinies.  Kuchar hasn’t won yet this year so, unless he wins this week, he doesn’t rate with that group.  There was a great Kuch moment this weekend when his ball came to rest up against some rocks near a drain pipe and, in an effort to get a free drop, he tried to convince the official that his play would have been to bounce it backwards off the rocks (which would have been unavoidably painful) instead of just taking the unplayable lie and moving it away from the rocks (which would have been relatively pain free).  Of course the whole time he was pleading his case he had the full Kuchar smile going which made him look like a 17 year old kid lying his ass off to his parents.  “I am telling you we were playing Geometry Wars on the Wii at Eric’s house and suddenly we heard this loud crash and when we came outside the car looked like that.  Seriously.  What?  You don’t believe me.  (Pleading) I swear.  Oh come on.”  (A little advice for you kids out there in the spirit of the new school year.  The key in that situation is to never give in…not even when the insurance adjuster calls you a liar.  Don’t ask me how I know.  I just know).