Fantasy Golf: The Colonial Preview

Cranking-out a very low budget preview this week as we're devoting most of our energy to tomorrow's recap of the FGR's eventful Preakness debut last Saturday. For this week's artwork, in honor of the number six horse (Oxbow) we will honor number six on Maxim's recently released Hot 100 List for 2013. As for the picks, I get the feeling that we're in the middle of another stretch of randomness evidenced by Sang Moon Bae's win last week which was only his second top ten finish of the year and his first since February. In other words, good luck.

This Week's Top Five

Hey Bailey, stop bitching and whining
all of the time and just be thankful.*

1. Charl Schwartzel
2. Tim Clark
3. Zach Johnson
4. Matt Kuchar
5. Ryan Palmer

Last Week's Report Card: C+

1. Jason Day - T27th
2. Matt Kuchar - T33
3. Jimmy Walker - T27th
4. Freddie Jacobsen - T17th
5. Ryan Palmer - T33

I didn't actually make any real picks last week but based on my Yahoo, Golf Channel and PGATour.com picks, that's probably what they would have looked like. You can tell from the mediocre results that I didn't make them up after the fact. I get the bump up to a C+ because all five made the cut even if none of them hit a televised shot on the weekend.

Endnotes

* That of course would be a reference to Party of Five, the mid-90's drama with perhaps the most depressing back story of all-time (five kids being raised by the oldest brother because their parents were killed by a drunk driver). It starred Matthew Fox (Lost) as the reluctant head of the family, Neve Campbell (Wild Things) as the oldest sister and Scott Wolf (nothing else of significance) as the perpetually angst-ridden Bailey who apparently never looked-up, noticed his girlfriend was Jennifer Love Hewitt and thought "holy crap have I out-kicked my coverage."

fgr@fantasygolfreport.com

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Vodka

Let's go ahead and use
the Mad Men reference
to our advantage.

I think the FGR has reached a new low. I've had a few weeks this year where I've put some dogs in my top five ("a few? . . . ok") but I don't think I've ever gone so far as to flat-out advise you to not pick the eventual winner. Let's take a look at the highlights from last week's Players Championship preview: "When you factor in the Tiger non-factor factor" . . . (man I thought that was clever when I wrote it but now, not so much) and "for me that . . . takes Tiger and Rory out of the equation because they could finish 65th just as easily as they could finish 5th so why risk wasting them?" (Well, maybe because Tiger is on a freakin' mission this year). I blame NBC for waiting until Sunday to tell us that the Players was Tiger's 300th PGA tournament and he had already won no. 100 and no. 200. To paraphrase Marvin from Wall Street (John C. McGinley's character) "I NEED THAT INFORMATION ON WEDNESDAY, BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT . . . BY SUNDAY I'M A DINOSAUR!!!"

So, in the words of Don Draper, it's time to change the conversation. Let's face it, despite the loosely intended mission of this website to provide fantasy golf analysis, the FGR is at its best when the topic is the FGR itself and fortunately, I'm coming off a vintage FGR experience that I can substitute this week for what would have been some half-assed preview of the Byron Nelson Classic (see this week's picks in the sidebar). And on top of that, we're heading into member-guest season which the law of averages dictates will yield at least one story of FGR jack-assery.*

Do I Want to Play Medalist? . . . Um OK  

Here's a tip. When someone invites you to play golf in the Hobe (rhymes with "probe") Sound, Florida area, say yes. After receiving this invitation a couple of months ago, I waffled on it for about 24 hours before the proverbial Wile E. Coyote frying pan hit me in the head but instead of leaving an imprint of the word "ACME," it left the word "MEDALIST."** For those who don't follow golf at a borderline stalker level, Medalist is where Tiger and Rory went to play their own 36 hole match play championship after they each got bumped from the Accenture in the first round. (No truth to the rumor that NBC Sports executives met to discuss the logistics of moving their crew from Dove Mountain to provide full coverage of Woods v. McIlroy while leaving one camera behind so they could show highlights of Mahan v. Kuchar later that night . . . well there may be some truth to that rumor).

"Whoa Nelly!!! That's some
mighty fine Gatorade."

We arrived at Medalist at about 9:45 a.m. and I was fully prepared: (1) Favorite golf shirt - check; (2) Three sleeves of ProV1x's - check; (3) vodka infused yellow Gatorade - check. This last item has become an FGR staple when playing on the road. It's kind of like Michael Vick's secret weed compartment in the bottom of the water bottle that he once tried to sneak on a plane with the key exception that it's actually legal to bring a bottle of Gatorade onto a golf course without arousing suspicion.

The fun as usual started with me sticking my foot in my mouth as we watched what appeared to be a pretty solid player hitting balls on the range and surmised that he was a fringe pro. After seeing him hit three shots, I commented, "he better not quit his job at the range."

Then about an hour later we were playing the 5th hole which is a short par four with a slight dogleg left and I had hit a perfect 3-wood just around the corner leaving myself about 100 yards in but also blocked from view for anyone on the tee box. Just as I was pulling the club back for my second shot, a ball from the twosome behind us landed about 10 yards behind me. My first thought (as it always is in such situations) was to pull-out my 3-wood and rip it back at the tee box, especially when I looked back and saw it was Mr. Fringe Pro ("who does he think he is?"). Then I remembered where I was and decided I better chill-out . . . until I half-bladed my second shot over the back of the green.

As we approached the green, our host informed us that the guy who had just hit into me had made it through local qualifying for the U.S. Open the day before. OK, so maybe "fringe pro" was an underestimation but, at that point, I couldn't have cared less as I was going to give him the major stink eye as we let him and his partner play through. Then the son of a bitch stuck his shot five feet behind the pin and spun it back into the cup for an eagle which weakened my resolve. Kind of hard to muster a good stink eye when you're clapping for the guy that's supposed to be on the receiving end of it. In the meantime, I made bogey to go five over through five. Not the start I was looking for.***

"Your irons are a bit off?
Oh you think so doctor?"

By the time we reached the turn, I was 7 over and I'd hit every fairway. I think my irons were "a bit" off. I desperately needed a sandwich and a beer (not in that order). Regular FGR readers know that beer and I have a special relationship on the course. I love drinking it and beer generally returns my affection in the form of lower scores. And then we got a bonus. In addition to the two Bud Lights and the turkey sandwich, this lunch would include sharing the halfway house with Freddie Jacobson. (Regular readers of the FGR also know that I am to PGA players what teenage girls are to Justin Bieber).

And this brings-up one of the many reasons why golf is great because there is no other sport where you can be taking a break for lunch in the middle of a game and find yourself hanging-out with one of the best players in the world and when I say "hanging out," I am not exaggerating because Freddie could not have been cooler. It started when a member of our group and fellow season-long fantasy golf player decided to give Freddie a little pep talk. We'll call our guy Biff Sutcliffe****:

Biff: "Hey Freddie, I've got you on my fantasy team so we need a big second half."

That is a moment of truth with a professional athlete because he can go one of three ways with a comment like that: (1) Tell you to piss-off; (2) Totally ignore you (which is worse than #1); or (3) Completely indulge you which is what Freddie did for the better part of the next fifteen minutes. At one point he asked how the game worked and I found myself explaining our format to him and running through the first few picks of our draft (NERD ALERT!). Then I realized, "crap, he's going to ask where he was drafted" and while there is no shame in being the 40th pick, I felt a little awkward about the prospect of telling him he was a third rounder (and embarrassed by the fact that I could remember that fact from January). Fortunately, he said something about his kid's nap being over, hopped in his cart and drove-off before we got that far. (Wow, Freddie's kid naps just like mine . . . cool).

"Holy shit, is that who I think it
is doing a double toe loop?"

As if I wasn't already jacked-up enough about our Jacobson encounter (and the Bud Lights), we learned from our caddie as we were walking to the 10th tee that Tiger and Ahmad Rashad had just teed-off on number 1. Getting back to why golf is great, how often do you find yourself shooting hoops in a gym with Michael Jordan or playing on the court next to Roger Federer or sharing the rink with Brian Boitano? I was so inspired that I drilled it right down the middle of the 10th fairway and made another bogey. It didn't help that our caddie had tossed the last 2 ounces of my Gatorade which, of course, is the best part.

But then things started to get interesting. I finally hit a green on 11 and made the putt for a birdie. After another skanky iron led to a bogey on the par three 12th, I made another birdie on 13. Two more fairways hit led to a couple routine pars and I could feel a strong finish coming-on but then I made two bogeys and pissed that idea away. By the time I got to the tee on the par five 18th, I was disgusted. I hadn't missed a fairway all day, putted reasonably well and I was nine over par. It had been a beautiful day and we'd had a great time but the lasting memory for any golfer in that situation was going to be what could have been.

The 18th hole at Medalist was obviously designed to produce exciting tournament finishes because, from the tips, it's only a 526 yard par five with water all the way down the right and bunkers all the way down the left. I didn't have anything to lose so I went after the driver and hit my best of the day. I left myself about 235 yards to the middle of the green and, after a bit of goading from the group ("you didn't come all the way down here to lay-up?!?"), I drew a pretty solid 3-wood off the right bunker that landed and stopped dead on the upslope about five yards short of the green. (Notice that I didn't have to hit a freakin' iron on this hole).

Meet my new
favorite hole.

The pin was on the front of the second shelf just past a swale that runs through the middle of the green. I got the caddie's approval for the shot I wanted to play (which just makes it that much sweeter), chipped a perfect gap wedge to the top of the first shelf, watched it disappear into the swale and then reappear as it broke left into the hole for an eagle (#andboomgoesthedynamite). I'm not going to say it felt better than sex, but it sure felt better than just about everything other than sex.

After the round, we sat on the porch overlooking the 18th green for the better part of an hour waiting for Tiger to finish. I figured that one way or the other, I was going to have a great story to tell. Either Tiger wasn't going to make eagle and I would have beaten him on the 18th hole or, even better, he was going to make eagle and I would have eagled the same hole as Tiger Woods on the same day. Alas, Tiger never showed and, despite the fact that the clubhouse manager kept asking, "can't I get you boys anything else?" it was starting to sound a lot like, "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here" (and it was in a pretty thick Long Island accent so it actually sounded more like, "get the f-ck outta here why doncha").

And that brings us back to yet another great thing about golf. It's ten days later and I can still see that ball breaking left and disappearing into the cup just like I can remember telling my partner on May 24, 2008 "holy shit dude . . . my ball's in the hole" and about a half dozen other shots that stand-out (unfortunately, not all of them because they were good). You don't get those kinds of visceral memories from pick-up basketball games, tennis matches or even figure skating rinks because let's face it, most courts and rinks all look the same and, for that matter, so do most jump shots and cross-court forehands. Golf is different because every round of golf is like a movie with a unique setting and cast of characters. Sometimes it's an Adam Sandler/Chris Rock disaster and other times it's a respectable effort like a Silver Linings Playbook but every so often you get a Goodfellas or The Godfather.

Endnotes

* One of my favorite parts about writing and editing my own website is making up words like "jack-assery."

** The invitation was actually to play Medalist and another course in the area that I'm not going to name because, considering the distinct lack of signage at the entrance to the club, I think they prefer to keep a low profile. I will say that it was like one of those beer commercials where the guys machete themselves through a dense rain forest and stumble onto an oasis of beer and hot babes which for me of course is an oasis of beer and greens that run like pool tables. Course "X" may have had the best greens I've ever seen. In fact, I'm thinking about them right now and it's getting a little weird. Let's move on.

"A story that included acts of perversion
so profound and disgusting, that
decorum prohibits listing them here."

*** I'd hit every freakin' fairway but couldn't put the ball on the green to save my life. In my defense, the caddie mis-clubbed me on the par three 4th hole so I hit it over the green and made double. We had the following exchange after the tee shot: "I thought you said I couldn't hit it over with a 175 shot" . . . "Yeah, but that was only if you hit it at the flag". . . I didn't really have a comeback for that one. (Note to self: these guys are used to caddying for Tiger Woods and Rickie Fowler).

**** Because the best story told on the trip involved the use of the fictitious name "Biff Sutcliffe."

Fantasy Golf: The Players Preview

This is a major cop-out but the fact is that I said everything I ever wanted to say about The Players Championship in the 2012 Players Championship Preview including the argument that wins my case against it being the fifth major faster than Mike Brady dropping his briefcase in the courtroom* which is that, if Tiger has only won a tournament once and only really been in contention to win it twice, then it should in no way be in the same gene pool discussion with the four majors. With that being said, I'm actually fired-up for this year's Players because we've got so many top-notch guys bringing their "A" games on a regular basis that, anytime we get them all together, we have a chance to witness something epic (i.e. the 2013 Masters).

TIMMYY!!!!!

Handicapping this event is little bit like playing Keno in that you get about 100 choices and any of them can win.** For every Matt Kuchar, Phil Mickelson and Adam Scott caliber champion, you have a Tim Clark, Henrik Stenson and Stephen Ames (and lest we not forget 2002 winner Craig Perks who was golf's version of an Irish team winning an Olympic gold medal in the two-man luge). When you factor-in the Tiger non-factor factor, there would seem to be very little rhyme or reason to the outcomes of this thing. But in the words of Lee Corso, not so fast my friend. Some careful study of the last fifteen Players Championship leaderboards indicates that there are at least eight currently relevant golfers*** who don't despise playing the TPC at Sawgrass. Check this out:

• Sergio Garcia has a 2nd and 4th place finish to go along with his 2008 win. 
• Adam Scott has three top ten finishes including a win in 2004. 
• Matt Kuchar has three top twenty finishes in addition to his win last year. 
• Luke Donald has three top six finishes including a tie for 2nd in 2005. 
• David Toms has three top ten finishes including a playoff loss in 2011. 
• Bo Van Pelt finished tied for 7th last year, tied for 4th in 2010 and tied for 8th in 2006. 
• Jim Furyk lives nearby and has three top five finishes. 
• And finally, Ben Crane tied for 6th in 2008, tied for 5th in 2009 and tied for 4th in 2010.

For the purpose of making this week's top ten list, let's also consider that the last player to win this thing twice was Davis Love, III (in 1992 and 2003) and the only guys to win it in the last fifteen years while being ranked top 3 in the world were Mickelson in 2007, Woods in 2001 and David Duval in 1999. For me that pushes former winners Kuchar and Scott down the list and takes Tiger and Rory out of the equation because they could finish 65th just as easily as they could finish 5th so why risk wasting them. When it's all said and done, I'm going with the players on my "guys who kind of sort of like Sawgrass" list plus Nick Watney because he's actually been trending-up lately and Freddie Jacobson because he just seems like he's got the game for this track and for one other reason that will be explained later in the week.

Remember when Sergio was the guy who used
his golf celebrity for the power of good? The
FGR needs a new player to fill that role.

The Players Top Ten

1. Luke Donald
2. Sergio Garcia
3. Jim Furyk
4. Bo Van Pelt
5. Matt Kuchar
6. Adam Scott
7. Freddie Jacobson
8. Nick Watney
9. David Toms
10. Ben Crane

Last Week's Report Card: D

1. Webb Simpson - T32nd
2. Bill Haas - M/C
3. Rickie Fowler - MDF
4. Lucas Glover - T27th
5. Sergio Garcia - T16th

Not much to say about a tournament where (1) Derek Ernst wins, (2) Bill Haas shoots a first round 79 on a course where he opened with a 64 in 2011 and (c) the greens looked worse than the ones on the course I used to play for $7.00 at twilight when I lived downtown (of the twelve holes, I would describe seven as being "a great place to get rid of a body"). I'm guessing that the superintendent had no problem with the final round not being aired live on Sunday. Then again, he was probably blacked-out on the couch by then anyway.

(Let me know who you like this week - fgr@fantasygolfreport.com).

Endnotes

* For those too young to know this (man I'm getting tired of prefacing everything with that), Mike Brady was the father on the popular series The Brady Bunch which originally aired from 1969-1974 but then gained exponentially greater popularity when it was re-run throughout the late 70's. In one of its many classic episodes, Carol Brady is sued by a scammer after they are involved in a parking lot fender-bender. When the case gets to trial, the scammer pulls the old neck brace trick but Mike Brady turns the tables on him by intentionally dropping his briefcase on the floor causing a loud crack which makes the guy abruptly turn his head, thus costing him the case. Check-out this clip, listen to the sound the briefcase makes when it hits the floor and tell me that Mr. Brady wouldn't have gotten the living crap beaten-out of him by a couple of jumpy bailiffs if he pulled that stunt today.

** I seem to reference Keno a lot for a game that I played once about 20 years ago. Thank God for the advent of fantasy sports. Otherwise I may have ended-up wasting hundreds of hours of my life on a pointless game like Keno.

*** "Currently relevant" excludes Stephen Ames who has one of the more impressive resumes at The Players with a win in 2006, a 2nd in 2002 and a 5th in 2008. Ames' other claim to fame? Losing 9 & 8 to Tiger at the 2006 Match Play after saying before the match that "anything can happen . . . especially where he's hitting the ball." Turns-out he was right.

Fantasy Golf: The Wells Fargo Preview

A few things you may want to consider when making your pick this week: (1) Webb Simpson lives in the Quail Hollow development where this week's Wells Fargo Championship will be played, (2) Webb Simpson finished 4th in this tournament last year after holding the 54 hole lead, and (3) Webb Simpson finished second in the last PGA Tour event he played. The pick is so obvious that I almost feel like someone is messing with and I should go in a different direction. But if I do that and then Simpson wins, I'll spend Sunday evening pounding nails into the floor with my forehead and I don't want to risk spending Sunday evening pounding nails into the floor with my forehead so I'm picking Simpson. Everyone else on the top five list has either won or finished second at Quail Hollow except for Bill Haas but I'm pretty sure that, based on this home movie footage of Bill and Jay, they grew-up in a small town nearby so they've got some local knowledge.

Judging by all of the people who found
their way to the FGR last week unsuccessfully
searching for Billy Horschel's wife/girlfriend,
he's apparently in the market. Anyone know
what Amanda Beard is up to these days?

The Overall Top Five

1. Webb Simpson
2. Bill Haas
3. Rickie Fowler
4. Lucas Glover
5. Sergio Garcia

Last Week's Report Card: B

1. Jason Dufner - T42nd
2. Justin Rose - T15th
3. Billy Horschel - 1st
4. Jimmy Walker - T8th
5. Brendon DeJonge - Cut

As chafed as I was for not making Horschel my pick despite anguishing* over it, I'm glad I went with Dufner to get his sad sack ass out of the way. Just when you thought no one could make playing golf seem less enjoyable, along comes 2013 Dufner who looks like he's working in a diaper recycling plant. It's no coincidence that everyone who picked him in a preseason draft shares the same expression.**

Endnotes

* Sadly, "anguishing" is not an exaggeration. Now every time I see Horschel's winning celebration, I can't keep from muttering a stream of expletives until the FGW asks me what's wrong and I have to say "nothing . . . I'm just a jackass."

** My apologies for the brief effort this week but I've got a trip to a couple of marquee courses on the East Coast of Florida lined-up this weekend and, like Kramer in his brief stint as an executive, I'm just trying to get ahead. Oh yeah, I also finished tied for 40th in the Maryland State Two-Man Championship today. My partner and I shot a 74 that had all of the excitement of watching Jason Dufner eat a bowl of tomato soup. The high round of the day was an 88 shot by two single digit handicaps who made 7 bogeys and 5 doubles. My guess is that at least one of them is known around his home club as "the ATM."

The 2nd Annual FGR NFL Mock Draft

I've been carrying my iPad around trying to cobble this thing together in 20 minute spurts for the better part of a week. Parts of this have been written in my car, my kitchen, a locker room and a Chick-fil-A and even with all of that, I still ran out of time because at 5:30 last night I heard those words that every man fears, "it's time to leave for the Rihanna concert." At that point, I had completed the "analysis" of 22 of the 32 picks and I would say that about 14 of those were worth publishing. I had fully intended on completing the assignment when I got home but that went out the window when I woke-up on the couch at 3:15 a.m. snuggling a half-eaten bag of Tostitos.* When I woke-up the second time at 5:45 a.m., I was not exactly shining bright like a diamond.**

The Santa Claus of April.

Cut to 9:30 a.m. on the day of the draft and it didn't make much sense to publish a mock draft after the fact so I was going to have to take a few short-cuts. Fortunately, the picks were already done courtesy of a sampling from Todd McShay and Mel Kiper's work with a couple of FGR audibles thrown in for good measure. The problem was finding something to put in the voids next to some of those names and then I remembered that I had spent the better part of the previous night's concert entertaining myself by tweeting my observations and, since no one who reads the FGR has a Twitter account, all of that material will be fresh. Upon review, I had generated 14 tweets before my phone died and most of them were better than the crap I'd written for the mock draft so they made the cut. You'll recognize the tweets by the #.

1. Kansas City Chiefs - Luke Joeckel: The Chiefs appear to have solved the quarterback problem they created by trading a high second round draft pick to the Patriots' for back-up Matt Cassel by trading a high second round draft pick to the 49ers for back-up Alex Smith. (At this point, it just seems appropriate to write the words "institutional memory" and let them dangle there). The good news for the Chiefs is that they have positioned themselves to keep picking at the top of the draft until they hit one with a franchise quarterback. In the meantime, they'll take the best offensive tackle to ensure that Alex Smith hits his projected stats of 3,200 yards with 19 touchdowns and 7 interceptions.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars - Dion Jordan (DE/OLB): When addressing a dire quarterback situation in the face of a weak free agent market and an even weaker draft, there are two approaches: (1) The Chiefs' approach (see above) and (2) the Jags approach which apparently goes something like, "sometimes the best move is the one you don't make" which would be ok unless the move you weren't making was replacing Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne as your starting quarterbacks.

3. Oakland Raiders - Dee Milliner (CB): "Last three shows I've seen in this venue: Rush, The Wiggles and Rihanna." - #44yearoldwhiteguy

"Like I said, I'm not here
to talk about the past."

4. Philadelphia Eagles - Star Lotulelei (DT): The Eagles are banking on Chip Kelly being the next Pete Carroll and it's looking good so far as Kelly followed Carroll's exit strategy to perfection by staying one step ahead of the NCAA posse. In fact, Kelly may have taken it to a new level by moving all the way across the country making his denials seem that much more plausible ("how am I supposed to know? I'm 3,000 miles away").

5. Detroit Lions - Ezekiel Ansah (DE): After exceeding expectations in 2012, the Lions reverted back to the Millen mean in 2012 highlighted by coach Jim Schwartz's conniption fit at the end of the 49ers game. In their ongoing effort to tongue tie the offensive line coach's of their opponents, the Lions will start defensive lineman Ezekiel Ansah alongside Ndamakong Suh.

6. Cleveland Browns - Sharrif Floyd (DT): "Sharrif don't like it . . . Rock the Casbah, Rock the Casbah" (sorry). Here's a tweet to make-up for that: "The security guard for our section is no fun." - #permgonewrong 

7. Arizona Cardinals - Eric Fisher (OT): When you trade for Carson Palmer, you better start drafting offensive linemen in bunches because you're going to need a nine man wall to protect him while Larry Fitzgeral tries to get open against quadruple coverage.

8. Buffalo Bills - Ryan Nassib (QB): I had to go to the fourth Google search result for "Bills Depth Chart" before I could find one that had a quarterback and the name in that slot was T. Jackson which I am assuming is Tavaris Jackson who might (and I stress the word "might") be one of the fifteen best BACKUP quarterbacks in the league. That can't be acceptable, even by Bills' standards. There will be at least one quarterback taken in the top ten and I'm guessing it's Nassib here because he played for new Bills coach Doug Marrone at Syracuse and that seems like the kind of logic the Bills would use to make their first round pick.

9. New York Jets - Barkevious Mingo (DE/OLB): "Judging by the body language, there are at least 35 rappers in this Rihanna crowd who think they're better than the opening act." - #rapper

10. Tennessee Titans - Chance Warmack (OG): Drafting a run blocking guard might be enough to push Chris Johnson back into the first round of some fantasy drafts this year. It won't be a problem for me, however, as I've already hired someone to shoot me with Taser gun if I even mention the words "Chris Johnson" within 72 hours of the draft.

11. San Diego Chargers - Jonathan Cooper (OG): You basically pick a guard if you were considered one of the most disappointing teams of 2012 and you (a) don't really know why, (b) don't know who to pick and (c) just hired a new coach and general manager who don't want to answer a lot of tough questions on draft day. Picking a guard is like ordering the chicken. No one ever asks you why you ordered the chicken.

Hey, don't say Tannehill
unless you got some.

12. Miami Dolphins - Tavon Austin (WR):  And so begins five wasted years for the Dolphins as they try to assemble a team around Ryan Tannehill. This is your fate when you spend a first round pick on a more likable version of Jay Cutler.

13. New York Jets - Matt Barkley (QB): This is the pick the Jets received from Tampa Bay in exchange for one of the greatest cornerbacks of all-time who could still be in his prime. The only way it could elicit more boos from the crowd is if they picked another USC quarterback so, it may be wishful thinking, but here you go. Speaking of the Bucs, the clock is ticking on head coach Greg Schiano who may have one season left before his players pull a Niedermeyer on him which begs the question, "has Rutgers ever hired a coach who wasn't a chafing a-hole?"

14. Carolina Panthers - Sheldon Richardson (DT): The Panthers are owned by Jerry Richardson so I assume this is his son. Holy nepotisim. Let's supplement that with a tweet: "The FGW just asked if I know any of these songs. Really?" - #newalbum

15. New Orleans Saints - Jarvis Jones (LB): Most experts agree that the Saints' position of greatest need is "anyone who can play defense" so this is a logical choice.

16. St. Louis Rams - Cordarrelll Patterson (WR): Todd McShay notes that, "his route-running, like the rest of his game, is raw." Sounds like the perfect guy to draft when your relatively immobile quarterback is on his way to being the next David Carr.

17. Pittsburgh Steelers - Tyler Eifert (TE): Eifert is a big white tight end who can play opposite Heath Miller thereby creating match-up problems for defenses that have never seen an NFL team start two big white tight ends before (a/k/a "The Notre Dame Package").

18. Dallas Cowboys - Sylvester Williams (DT): For years I have been a proponent of teams with turnover prone quarterbacks putting a defensive lineman next to him in the 4th quarter to tackle him anytime he tries to do something like throw off his back foot or across his body. No one throws more soul-crushing interceptions than Tony Romo so if the Cowboys use this pick on a defensive tackle, I'll know someone finally listened.

19. New York Giants - Desmond Trufant (CB): This is a no-brainer because guys named Desmond and Dezi and Dez are always fun to be around and, when your starting quarterback is Captain Poopy Pants, you're always looking for guys who can brighten-up the locker room. Think about it. When was the last time you said, "oh no, Desmond is here." Never right? There you have it.

"Yeah, I was saying 'Fluker'
you stupid mutherf-ckers."

20. Chicago Bears - D.J. Fluker (OT): Another prudent chemistry move. Now when Jay Cutler is calling his linemen "mutherf-ckers," the coach can say, "no, no, no . . . he was saying 'Fluker.'"

21. Cincinnati Bengals - Alec Ogletree (LB): "Ogletree is less reliable off the field as he was suspended for the first four games of the 2012 season for a violation of team rules." - NFL.com. Alec Ogletree . . . meet the Cincinnati Bengals.

22. St. Louis Rams - Kenny Vaccaro (S): This is one of the picks the Rams received when the Redskins traded-up to get RG, III last year. To make matters worse, Rams coach Jeff Fisher felt so good about the move at the time that he ended the call by telling Mike Shanahan, "black jack no trade back" meaning that it now can't be undone. It just goes to show, NEVER use "black jack no trade back" unless you are 100% sure that you won the trade.

23. Minnesota Vikings - Bjoern Werner (DE): First the Desmond thing, then Fluker followed by the suspended kid to the Bengals and here the Vikings have a shot to draft a guy named "Bjoern?" This is the easiest mock draft ever. I'm going to be very disappointed if they don't hand him a viking helmet as he walks to the podium.

24. Indianapolis Colts - Xavier Rhodes (CB): "There is at least a 30 percent lower chance I will get in a fight here v. a Coldplay concert." - #stabbing #nowitnesses

25. Minnesota Vikings - Manti Te'o (LB): I just hope someone picks him before the Ravens are up. Let's bulk this one up with a tweet as I'm running out of steam: "Rihanna just said 'Baltimore' for the 8th time and 'fuck' for the 4th time." - #fuckwillcatchup

26. Green Bay Packers - Menelik Watson (OT): "I just yelled 'Fuck yes Question 6' and got three free Daiquiris." - #wealllovebooze

27. Houston Texans - Robert Woods (WR): "I feel underdressed." - #shoulderpads #tassles #wings

28. Denver Broncos - D.J. Hayden (CB): Mel Kiper, Jr. notes that "Champ Bailey can't play forever." Judging by his performance against Torry Smith in the playoffs last year, Mel might want to change "forever" to "anymore." 

29. New England Patriots - Justin Hunter (WR): "The FGW just lamented her diminutive booty." - #ironic

In hindsight, the Tri-Lams
didn't make-out too badly.

30. Atlanta Falcons - Cornellius Carradine (DE): I'm assuming that Cornellius is one of the Kung Fu Carradines and not a Lambda Lambda Lambda Carradine. Tweet time: "David Coverdale's back-up band just played some inspired solos." - #whitesnake

31. San Francisco 49ers - John Jenkins (DT): Jenkins weighs 346 pounds which means an opposing coach or player would need very long arms to land a punch on Jim Harbaugh's jaw with Jenkins standing between them.

32. Baltimore Ravens - Jonatahn Cyprien (S): "Holy crap the keyboard player just ripped-off the rif from Baba O'Reilly." - #sacrilege #timetogo

That's about when my phone ran out of gas so I wasn't able to comment on (1) "the lack of partitions between the urinals." - #stayclassyBaltimore; and (2) "half the crowd bailing before the encore and then rushing back to their seats when it started." - #bushleaguemove. All in all, not an entirely unenjoyable concert experience but it was no Wiggles show. Then again, what is? Toot toot chugga chugga big red car . . .***

Endnotes

* Truly a "someone call the SPCA because there's a cat in my mouth" situation.

** This is the song Rihanna closed with. I think the words "shine bright like a diamond" were the only ones she didn't lip-sync. 

*** I wrote that from memory.

Fantasy Golf: The Zurich Classic Preview

OK let's go ahead and dispense with this thoroughly unpredictable tournament so we can get back to completing work on the 2nd Annual FGR NFL Mock Draft. Let's face it, the last five winners of this thing (Jason Dufner, Bubba Watson, Jason Bohn, Jerry Kelly and Andres Romero) don't exactly establish a trend or a winner's type. At least Dufner has a T3rd and a T7th to go along with his 2012 win in Louisiana so we'll make him the pick, throw-in a shot of a random hottie and get back to figuring-out which poor bastard will be holding-up a Brown's jersey on Thursday night and asking Roger Goodell under his breath, "how long are rookie contracts again?"

"Bring on the mock draft y'all."

The Overall Top Five

1. Jason Dufner
2. Justin Rose
3. Billy Horschel
4. Jimmy Walker
5. Brendon De Jonge

Last Week's Report Card: B

1. Luke Donald - T3rd
2. Matt Kuchar - T35th
3. Billy Horschel - T9th
4. Boo Weekley - T42nd
5. Stewart Cink - T24th

At least I was smart enough to avoid Brandt Snedeker who was a popular pick last week despite the fact that (a) he's more emotional than Dick Vermeil and (b) he had just blown his best shot at a major with a +3 back nine at Augusta. Sneds is going to need a little time to process that one. I just hope he recovers for the British Open where I have him slotted with Ernie Els. For that matter, it'd be nice to see Ernie make a top 10 between now and then. Crap. I may need to reevaluate that strategy altogether.

Fantasy Golf: The Masters Update and Heritage Preview

When I sat down to watch the final round of the Masters on Sunday, I had fully intended to pull-out the iPad and crank-out the second annual comprehensive timeline for what was shaping-up to be another epic finish. Then I started exchanging texts about maybe going out to meet a few friends for "a beer" and then getting back to the solitude of the FGR cave for the back nine but it took an hour before we finally decided to jump, just when the leaders were making the turn (our first mistake).

When we arrived at the bar, the crew was a little larger than expected and the vibe was strong* which almost made-up for the fact that they were playing music instead of Nantz, Feherty and company. I took that as a positive, however, as it was going to make it easier to get out of there after a couple pops. My exit would also surely be hastened by this group's golf IQ which was not particularly high as evidenced by the fact that they were unknowingly watching the "final group only" coverage on one of the CBS Sports cable channels instead of the main broadcast. (A good rule of thumb is that, if you've been watching the Masters for an hour without seeing Tiger hit a shot and he is anywhere on or near the golf course, something is amiss).

"Ian, is that a range finder in your pocket or
are you thinking about the Ryder Cup?"

By this time, I'd already achieved my prescribed two drink maximum but I felt like we'd just gotten there. And besides, my ideal finish from a kids' college fund standpoint was Adam Scott  first and Jason Day second** which was starting to look like a real possibility as the inevitable Brandt Snedeker meltdown*** was underway and Tiger was stuck in neutral. So we decided to stay for a couple more holes (our second mistake).

By now the beer was flowing like wine and all of the early twenty somethings from the "Spring Kickball League"**** were flocking away like the salmon of Capistrano. The only people left were us and a few other casual golf fans who were digging our stinging commentary (or so we thought until we were chided by the bartender on the way out for being crass - my word, not hers). At this point, it was clearly going to come down to Scott, Day or Angel Cabrera and, according to Nick Faldo, Cabrera was starting to lose his balance (nice call Nick).

It was Day who stumbled next by choosing to putt on 16 instead of chipping with several feet of wet fringe between his ball and the green. Pros chip that because it takes the guess work out of judging the speed of the wet fringe, however, nervous players putt it because there is no chance for catastrophe with a putt. Day made the tentative play and it cost him a stroke. He then hit a weak second shot on 17 into the front bunker and he was done. He played 16-18 a combined four over on Saturday and Sunday without hitting a bad tee shot. He should go ahead and put a television on the ceiling above his bed because he's going to spend a lot of time staring in that direction over the next few months.

So it was down to Scott and El Pato and the Duck knows how to do two things, win majors and rip cigarettes . . . and it appeared he was about out of cigarettes. Even when Scott made the amazing birdie putt on 18, I knew it was more likely than not that Cabrera would answer, which of course he did . . . in style. When his short putt dropped to force a playoff, someone announced that Irish Car Bombs were in order and who could argue? (Our fourth and final mistake). We had overtime at Augusta, Irish Car Bombs and I had a horse in the race. It was so on.

And then El Pato just started chucking darts at my money Piñata. The first one actually missed by a mile as his second shot on 18 (from almost the same spot where he had stuck it half an hour before) came-up well short. Just as I was breathing a sigh of relief, however, he almost holed the chip, followed by Adam Scott leaving his three feet short forcing a putt about which I was clearly more nervous than he was. (Isn't gambling fun?) Then, on the second playoff hole, Cabrera hit the best putt of the year that didn't go in since Mickelson's lip-out for 59 in Phoenix. That one threw me for such a loop that I barely recovered in time to fly off my stool when Scott drained his for the win.

I've been doing this fantasy golf thing for 16 years and that was the 4th time I've had the Masters winner (NERD ALERT!!!). I had Tiger for his first one in 1997, Phil Mickelson for his first in 2004 and Mike Weir who beat Len Mattiace in a playoff in 2003 (holy crap, Len Mattiace almost won the Masters?) so they've all been pretty sweet but this was the first time I picked the Masters winner in January and then drafted him specifically because I thought he was going to win the green jacket. So despite the train wreck my season has been from a prognosticating standpoint so far, I have two things to say to all of those people (two, maybe three) who've been calling me out this spring: (1) The season doesn't officially start until April, and (2) Eat it!.            

Adam Scott's win yields
nothing but FGR positives.

Last Week's Report Card: B+

1. Phil Mickelson - T54th
2. Tiger Woods - T4th
3. Adam Scott - 1st
4. Rory McIlroy - T25th
5. Matt Kuchar - T8th
6. Justin Rose - T25th
7. Keegan Bradley - T54th
8. Charl Schwartzel - T25th
9. Lee Westwood - T8th
10. Sergio Garcia - T8th

Two words: Freakin Phil. On Friday, he was standing on the 9th tee at -2 preparing to play a back nine on which he had made four birdies the previous day and I was thinking "here we go." Only it didn't turn-out to be the kind of "here we go" where the little dog brings you a beer. It was more like the kind of "here we go" when someone decides that Thanksgiving dinner would be a good time to discuss the pros and cons of Obamacare. Over the next 45 holes, Phil would make 13 bogeys and 3 doubles including so many balls in the water that you would have thought that Rae's Creek was his passed-out college roommate's mouth.*****

The Heritage Preview

Let's make quick work of the the Afterthought Invitational (nice tournament . . . bad timing). I love Jim Furyk here but he just seems like such a great fit for the U.S. Open this year that I think he's worth saving. Same with Snedeker and the British Open but that's more of a crap shoot so, if you think he can bounce back from the Masters disappointment, you have my blessing. Boo Weekley is an intriguing choice if you're looking to go a bit off the grid to try to make-up some ground:

Have I mentioned you
look great in tartan? 

The Overall Top Five

1. Jim Furyk
2. Brandt Snedeker
3. Luke Donald
4. Matt Kuchar
5. Billy Horschel

The One and Done Top Five

1. Luke Donald
2. Matt Kuchar
3. Billy Horschel
4. Boo Weekley
5. Stewart Cink

Endnotes

* This bar did not serve Mount Gay rum and we had a serious Mount Gay rum drinker among us. Instead of letting this setback knock him off his game, however, he decided to prove the theorem that 1 Mount Gay and tonic = 2 Tanqueray and tonics. He appeared to be well on his way to being right until the ratio hit about 5 to 10 and then things started to break down.  

** I had three wagering angles on this year's Masters: (1) Season long team (Scott and Day), (2) one and done which was a two and done for the Masters (Scott and Mickelson), and (3) a parimutuel where I had all of the Australians (so even Marc Leishman had my interest but he was clearly walking away with this year's "Peter Hanson Just Happy to be Here Award").

*** Shane Ryan wrote a decent but somewhat half-assed final round diary for Grantland in which he noted about Snedeker, "and this should teach us an important lesson: Before a golfer with a bad track record of performance under pressure actually performs well under pressure, let's just stop assuming he's going to perform well under pressure. Because he probably won't." I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn't jack that theory from the March 20th FGR where I wrote of Snedeker, "His strong run to the FedEx Cup title and his ridiculously hot start this year may be a signal that he's ready to emerge but I generally like to see my top five players in the world contend for at least one major before granting them that status. But hey, that's just me." So in the words of Tony Kornheiser, I believe I had that. 

**** Look, I get why people play in these post-college coed pseudo athletic social leagues (actually I don't) but kickball? A word of advice from someone who's been around. If you're spending your spring Sunday afternoons in a bar wearing a kickball jersey/t-shirt with a number on the back, you are basically establishing your ceiling somewhere around a Dodge Stratus and family spring breaks on a Carnival Cruise Ship. Kickball?!? Come on man. You're only 27 years old. Don't give up yet.

***** There goes my press pass for the 2014 Masters but I think it was worth it.