Sunday, September 28, 2014

The FGR Week 4 NFL Picks

I spent Saturday watching the American Ryder Cup team and my kids' soccer teams sleepwalk to a series of uninspired defeats. You'd be amazed at the effect this has on your psyche as a parent but hey, at least I didn't lose my shit and go Lou Piniella like the opposing coach who was still yapping after he got run from the field by the ref who told him "you're embarrassing your kids." (I am not making this up). If my read on this clown is correct, he probably felt vindicated because his team won the game as he watched from the nearby playground where he was hiding behind a sliding board (again, not making this up). Not exactly a banner day for those of us who like to think of little league sports as something of a character building experience. Then again, the kids we're coaching are 10 and 11 years old so it's pretty cutthroat.

"You're goddamn right I'm going with
the Raiders and Jags this week!"
(Desperation, thy name is FGR).
And speaking of lackluster and uninspired, let's get some NFL picks on the board for Week 4.

Miami by 4.5 at Oakland: The Pick - Oakland
Chicago by 1 over Green Bay: The Pick - Packers
Houston by 3 over Buffalo: The Pick - Texans
Indianapolis by 7 over Tennessee: The Pick - Colts
Baltimore by 3 over Carolina: The Pick - Ravens
Detroit by 1 at N.Y. Jets: The Pick - Lions
Pittsburgh by 7.5 over Tampa Bay: The Pick - Bucs
San Diego by 13 over Jacksonville: The Pick - Jags
San Francisco by 4.5 over Philadelphia: The Pick - 49ers
Atlanta by 3 at Minnesota: The Pick - Falcons
New Orleans by 3 at Dallas: The Pick - Saints
New England by 3.5 at Kansas City: The Pick - Chiefs

Last Week: 8-8 . . . Season: 18-30.

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.


Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Ryder Cup Preview: Match-Play Tips

The U.S. team is a longshot to win the Ryder Cup this weekend as they are not at full strength and will face a European team loaded with talent and experience. To make the climb a bit steeper, Captain Tom Watson decided to go with veteran Webb Simpson instead of a guy who has actually played well lately (like Chris Kirk or Ryan Palmer) but hey, how much difference could one suspect captain's pick make right Lanny Wadkins?* That, combined with the absences of Jason Dufner (injured) and Dustin Johnson (leave of absence . . . nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more)** who combined for six points in 2012, is why the Euros are pretty heavy favorites in a competition that is generally considered a toss-up because of all of the inherent variables.

That's the bad news for fans of the U.S. team. The good news is that the Fantasy Golf Report is here to help with ten rarely used match-play tips that could make a one or two hole difference in a match and ultimately bring the Cup back to the states where it hasn't spent any considerable length of time since it boarded the plane for Wales back in 2010. Feel free to use these if you have an important match of your own this weekend and if you don't care about little things like etiquette, your reputation and maintaining friendships.

Match Play Tips

    USA . . . USA . . . USA!!!
  • Early in the match, ask your opponent to tend the flagstick on a 3 foot putt. Then smash it into his shin, say “your hole” and walk off the green.
  • When playing in a fourball match, stand behind your partner’s ball before every tee shot and plumb bob for about ten seconds. Then tell him it’s a cup-out on the left.
  • When playing on greens that are faster than you are accustomed to, put a booger on your ball to take off a little pace. When you make a long putt, ask your opponent to take the ball out of the hole and when he notes that there is a booger on the ball tell him not to take it off because it’s your last one.
  • Yell "FORE!!!!" on every shot your opponent hits no matter where it goes. When he looks at you sideways, shrug your shoulders and say, "safety first right?"
  • Ask your opponent if he likes Mexican food. Regardless of his answer, tell him just the two of you should go out sometime for some Mexican food because your wife hates it and then emphasize that "IT WILL JUST BE THE TWO OF US AND NO ONE ELSE CAN COME . . . UNDERSTAND?!?"
  • When walking down the first fairway, go as fast as you can until your opponent catches-up to you and then slow down, walk directly behind him and sing Mary Had a Little Lamb in Jack Nicklaus’ creepy high-pitched voice. When you get to the green, stop singing and declare, “man, I love that fucking song!"
  • Give your opponent a long putt for birdie on the first hole. After he picks it up, say “that was for bogey right?” When he corrects you, apologize and tell him that you've been a little distracted since the doctor told you it's probably Hepatitis.
  • Walk to the first tee with your jacket on backwards and then address the ball with your back to it while holding the club behind you. After attempting a couple of practice swings, comment that your grip doesn't feel right. Then take the jacket off, turn around and say, “ok, that feels better."
  • On the first tee, inform your opponent that you're terrible with names so you hope it's OK if you just call him "Ricky" all day. Then proceed to announce everything you're about to do and end it with "Ricky." I'm going to cut a five iron here Ricky." "I'm going to putt this instead of chip it because a bad putt is better than a bad chip . . . am I right or am I right Ricky?" "I'm going to lag this putt for bogey because you already made double (pause) . . . Ricky." Note: If your opponent's name is really "Ricky" then substitute "Donny."
  • Tell your opponent he looks just like your uncle who was eaten by a shark. Once per hole, stare at him and say, “it’s uncanny.” 
Footnotes

Oh man . . . I didn't
see that coming.
* In 1995, Captain Lanny Wadkins decided to pick his buddy Curtis Strange for the team despite the fact that Strange would finish 49th on the money list that season and hadn't won a tournament in six years. In Lanny's defense, it's not like he had a lot of other viable options unless you count Billy Mayfair (2nd on the money list with 2 wins in '95), Lee Janzen (3rd on the money list with 3 wins), Jim Gallagher, Jr. (8th on the money list with 2 wins) and Mark O'Meara (10th on the money list with 2 wins). Strange would go 0-3 including a bogey, bogey, bogey finish against Nick Faldo in the singles to lose on 18. The U.S. lost the Cup that year 14.5 to 13.5. So no pressure Webb.   

** The last time Johnson took a "leave of absence," it was because he injured himself while lifting a jet ski. In an unrelated story, I now refer to smoking marijuana as "lifting the jet ski."

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.  

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The FGR Thursday Night Pick

I have to take a few more swings at ESPN's handling of the Ray Rice story* before moving on to arguably the most entertaining biennial sports weekend we have (Ryder Cup + NFL + College Football + MLB playoff races).** This morning, Outside the Lines "investigative" reporter Don Van Natta went on Mike & Mike to respond to the comments made by Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti at his Monday afternoon press conference. In the space of five minutes, Van Natta asserted that (1) the Ravens failed to adequately investigate the matter at the time they first became aware of it and (2) he is an "investigative reporter" so it is and has been his job to uncover the facts in cases like this. I'm paraphrasing but not about the part where he labeled himself as an "investigative reporter." At this point I will simply offer a definition of hypocrisy which is "the practice of professing standards contrary to one's actual behavior" and move on.  

At no point did Mike Greenberg take a break from blowing smoke up Van Natta's ass for what a great job he did on the Outside the Lines report to ask him why he and his ESPN colleagues failed to break this story before TMZ released the elevator video. It was actually Mike Golic who asked the most relevant question which was "what exactly are the Ravens guilty of?" Van Natta responded that you can't really call it a cover-up (because it wasn't - law enforcement had all of the evidence) and then went on to say that the Ravens were guilty of failing to acknowledge how much they really knew about the brutal nature of the incident immediately after it occurred. In taking that position, he completely ignores the fact that all of the evidence the Ravens were receiving was based on hearsay whether it was from Ray Rice, the New Jersey police or another source.

What were they supposed to do? Call a press conference and announce that Ray Rice had punched his fiancee in the face knocking her unconscious despite the fact that they could not verify that version of the story? If they're wrong, they open themselves up to a defamation suit and destroy the credibility of management in the eyes of the players. You may say that those concerns should be secondary to adequately punishing Rice for what he did and you would be right but, before you can do that, you have to know, with near certainty, what actually occurred and that did not happen until the elevator video was released. (I dealt with whether the Ravens should have seen that video here). And in the end, Rice has been punished as severely as possible by the team (he was cut) and the league (suspended indefinitely) so I'm not exactly sure what Van Natta and his brethren are pushing for at this point. I assume they want to see someone fired in which case we have a name for what they are doing. It's called a "witch hunt."

And with that, I'm done with this topic. It's time to lighten-up and get back to the FGR business of doling-out bad gambling advice and 25 year old movie recommendations. With that being said, I'm 3-0 on the Thursday night picks so I got that going for me . . .
            
Washington by 3 over N.Y. Giants: The Pick - Redskins

"Go team with the name that
purports to celebrate Native
Americans . . . or something."
A Reskins fan walked into my office yesterday beaming with pride and using the words "Super Bowl" with a straight face despite the fact that they had just lost to go 1-2 with their only win coming over arguably the worst team in the league (outside of Tampa). But that's why we love them right? Unbridled optimism in the face of glaring mediocrity and blind loyalty to their brand (cue up the South Park commercial). Lucky for them this week they're actually facing a team more mediocre than they are and the game is at home where their rabidly misguided fans will be hoping against hope at full volume. That plus some steady play from Kirk Cousins should be enough to make the difference.
 
Footnotes

* You may have noticed by now that I have a hard time letting things go. I have yet to figure-out whether it's a gift or a curse but I'm leaning towards the latter.

** By the way, the Kansas City Royals are involved and they haven't made the playoffs since 1985. To put that in perspective, here are some movies from that year: Back to the Future (the first one), Spies Like Us, Fletch (big year for Chevy Chase), Better Off Dead and Weird Science ("how about a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray"). So if you're a Red Sox fan and you're dabbling with the notion of not being an asshole for a few weeks, root for the Royals. You'll be amazed at how it makes you feel.  

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com

Saturday, September 20, 2014

The FGR Week 3 NFL Picks

I'm afraid the NFL picks are going to get short shrift again this week as I blew all of my creative capital on the Bloviating Half-People effort. (And I'm not backing-off one word of that in light of the "new" evidence revealed in the ESPN Outside the Lines report . . . what a freakin' witch hunt). In an effort to generate some positive karma this Sunday and maybe bust me out of this epic funk, I'm going to swim a little more than the equivalent of three football fields (or roughly 1/36th of what Diana Nyad did) in a river to raise money for cancer research. Actually, I already raised the money so now it's just a matter of finishing the swim so I don't look like a jack-ass . . . or more of a jack-ass as the case may be.    

Diana Nyad isn't really FGR material
but fortunately, Ms. Upton was nice
enough to step-in on her behalf.
Buffalo by 2.5 over San Diego: The Pick - Chargers
Dallas by 1 at St. Louis: The Pick - Cowboys
Philadelphia by 6.5 over Washington: The Pick - Eagles
Houston by 2 over N.Y. Giants: The Pick - Giants
New Orleans by 10 over Minnesota: The Pick - Saints
Cincinnati by 7 over Tennessee: The Pick - Bengals
Baltimore by 1.5 over Cleveland: The Pick - Ravens
Detroit by 2.5 over Green Bay: The Pick - Packers
Indianapolis by 7 over Jacksonville: The Pick - Colts
New England by 14 over Oakland: The Pick - Patriots
San Francisco by 3 at Arizona: The Pick - 49ers
Seattle by 5 over Denver: The Pick - Seahawks
Miami by 4 over Kansas City: a The Pick - Dolphins
Carolina by 3.5 over Pittsburgh: The Pick - Panthers 
N.Y. Jets by 3 over Chicago: The Pick - Bears

Email the FGR at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.