Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Fantasy Golf: The RSM Classic Preview

Because I am a self aggrandizing jackass, I feel compelled to mention that I had Patton Kizzire as one of my top ten value picks last week and the son of a bitch actually won by holding-off Rickie Fowler down the stretch (apparently Rickie is already rounding into Luke Donald semi-contention form for the 2018 majors . . . HEYOOOO!!!). And that's it for golf this week because:

(1) It's the middle of November so nobody is watching golf except your dad and your odd friend Barry who smokes cigars, wears matchy outfits and "doesn't really follow football";


(2) There are plenty of other resources like PGATour.com for learning all about who brings their "A" game around Thanksgiving and has three previous top tens at the RSM Classic (Charles Howell, III) so you don't need me to do that sophisticated data crunching; and 


(3) The end of golf season has collided with daylight savings and the onset of seasonal affective disorder meaning that the FGR is literally one left lane clogging self-involved millennial driver on a cell phone away from serving 30 days for a road rage incident. I shouldn't even be interacting with the outside world right now much less broadcasting my thoughts. With that being said, I'm currently working on a hit piece about "soccer people" based on my experience as a coach and parent. It's proving to be very cathartic. Just need to make sure the references to people I know can't be traced back to me. 


Here are this week's picks. Ironically, despite my petulant apathy, I feel pretty good about them and may actually lay-down $4 of my hard earned cash in pursuit of a better life . . .or at least $6.

One and Done Pick: Chesson Hadley
"TURN-OFF THE STOVE BABY . . . 
WE'RE GOING TO CHIPOTLE!!!"


DraftKings Top Ten Value Picks

Chesson Hadley
$10,200
Webb Simpson
$9,800
Charles Howell, III
$9,500
Patton Kizzire
$8,900
Jamie Lovemark
$8,400
Brian Stuard
$7,600
Patrick Rodgers
$7,500
Si Woo Kim
$7,500
J.T. Poston
$7,200
Jonathan Byrd
$7,100

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Fantasy Golf: The OHL Classic Preview

Let's go ahead and get the excuses out of the way for why this week's preview is late and lame:

1. I hate golf right now. Actually "hate" might not be the right word. Loathe, despise and abhor would be more appropriate after I suffered one of the worst beats of my illustrious country club career last Friday. I'm not ready to talk about it in any detail right now but let's just say that I blew the chance to win a tournament that would have made be the envy of like seven people (ok maybe more like three). 

2. I just got a new laptop and there's something weird about the keyboard. It's like the keys are shifted one spot to the left so I'm wearing-out the backspace button making corrections only the backspace button isn't where it's supposed to be so half the time I'm hitting the goddamn number lock button and I'm about to THROW THIS FUCKING THING THROUGH THE WALL!!! (Caps lock is apparently right where it's supposed to be).

3. Tuesday night is when roughly 72% of the FGR writing magic happens and this week I had to spend it drafting my ten year old daughter's rec league basketball team. This is one of those parenting experiences for which nothing prepares you because no matter how mellow you tell yourself you have to be going in, it always gets weird at some point thanks to a combination of three recurring characters: (1) Dad who has actually done advance scouting because winning this league will be the crowning achievement of his adult life; (2) Edgy mom who is convinced that all of the dads in the room are conspiring against her and therefore turns every discussion into a pre-fight trash talk scene from Kill Bill: Vol. 1; and (3) Dad who got talked into doing this because the league needed one more coach and then proceeds to get bitter about being run over by glory dad, tiger mom and frankly the rest of us. You know when I'm one of the calming influences in the room, you've found yourself in a truly toxic environment.

Now let's make some golf picks. As usual with the fall tournaments, these are not guaranteed.

The One and Done Pick: Pat Perez
A search for "Pat Perez wife" makes it
clear that they've got this whole pro
golfer lifestyle pretty well figured-out.


The DraftKings Top Ten Value Picks


Pat Perez
$11,300
Chesson Hadley
$9,900
Charley Hoffman
$9,700
Whee Kim
$8,300
Luke List
$7,900
Kevin Streelman
$7,600
Emiliano Grillo
$7,600
Brian Stuard
$7,400
Patton Kizzire
$7,400
Beau Hossler
$6,900

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com. 

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Fantasy Golf: The Shriners Hospitals Open Preview

Funny story about me and Shriners Hospitals (holy shit what're the odds?). My father in-law belongs to one or more organizations affiliated with the Shriners and that's all I'm going to say about that because I don't want to get on the wrong side of the Illuminati. Anyway, several years ago he invited me to attend a bull roast to benefit the Shriner's Hospitals and who doesn't love a good old fashioned bull roast? (Well, me for one but it was free and going with my father in-law put me in good stead with the FGW for at least five minutes). 

"You guys ever been 
to a steeplechase?"
So I got dressed in the standard FGR uniform for hobnobbing with gritty guys including a pair of jeans that you couldn't buy at Sears or Walmart and a tucked-in checkered button down that almost certainly sported a country club logo of some kind. Suffice it to say I was overdressed and looked like the complete douchebag that I was (and currently am). I then spent three hours trying to get drunk on keg beer and yelling above the din about the Ravens, the Orioles and anything else to keep the subjects away from politics and the fact that I'm a golfing lawyer with a taste for Pinot Grigio who still woefully laments the fact that Downton Abbey is gone and never coming back. 

At the end of the event, there was a 50/50 drawing with a first prize of about $1,600 and everyone was riveted as the master of ceremonies read-off the winning number. And then read it off again . . . and again . . . and again for what was seriously like fifteen minutes as people read and re-read their tickets to make sure they weren't the winner. My father in-law had bought me about a dozen (because God forbid I buy my own) and my numbers weren't even close. After a while, however, I noticed a single unspoken for ticket sitting in the middle of an empty part of the table. I picked it up and it was beer soaked, with a spot of barbecue sauce on it but, most importantly, it was the winner.  

The first thing I tried to do was give the ticket to my father in-law (at least that's how I remember it). He of course refused iso I had to walk to the front of the banquet hall rocking my country club guy trying to fit-in look and claim the prize which was directly funded from the pockets of the roughly one thousand real men glaring at me thinking "who in the fuck brought the florist?" 

Whether it was panic, an impulsive urge to do the right thing or both, when I got to the guy with the microphone I told him that I wanted to donate the money to the hospitals. The son of a bitch then made me repeat it into the microphone at which point the crowd cheered and, for one moment, I was a goddamn hero thanks to my Charlie Bucket stroke of luck and the fact that I had consumed enough fizzy lifting drink to convince me that giving away that chunk of money was a good idea (which it probably wasn't). As I was walking back to our table, I overheard a guy say to no one in particular but intentionally loud enough for me to hear, "must be nice to not need $1,600 . . . fucking idiot." In a rare moment of restraint and awareness for my surroundings, I said nothing and kept walking.

And hey look at that, our story has a something of a relevant point as Charley Hoffman has pledged all of his winnings this week to victims of the Las Vegas shooting. For that, he earns our admiration along with top pick because who else could we root for? As for the rest of the line-up, you may detect some overlap with the PGATour.com Power Rankings but that's completely coincidental. I assure you.  

One and Done Pick: Charley Hoffman
Every nickname Charley Hoffman has
ever had must have started with "Big"
 right? "Big Boy" . . . "Big Dog" . . . etc.


DraftKings Top Ten Value Picks

Webb Simpson
$11,000
Ryan Moore
$9,400
Charley Hoffman
$9,000
Kevin Streelman
$8,400
Luke List
$8,300
Smylie Kaufman
$8,200
Nick Taylor
$7,600
Scott Piercy
$7,400
Patton Kizzire
$7,100
Brian Stuard
$6,900

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.