Tuesday, March 15, 2016

The Pre Super Tuesday II Presidential Power Rankings

Let's squeeze in a quick rankings update before the tires go completely flat on Marco Rubio's tricycle.

1. Hillary Clinton


It was close but we're going to give Hillary the top spot despite Bernie taking a chunk out of her momentum in Michigan. It also didn't help her credibility when she was apparently overcome by the methane leak in California and started talking gibberish about how the Reagans started a national conversation on HIV/AIDS back in the 80's. For those of you who weren't around back then, the Reagans started a national conversation about HIV/AIDS in the same way that your mom would start a Thanksgiving dinner conversation about your dad's drinking problem. She wouldn't and they didn't.


Nope. You can't use "Whitewater."
Hillary appears to still be operating under the delusion that she can make Republicans like her. She needs to understand that inventing nice things to say about Nancy Reagan isn't going to change the fact that most of them believe that she and Gaddafi used to share a Gmail account and played Words with Friends using missile codes.  

2. Donald Trump

There really isn't anything I can say about the Donald that you haven't heard somewhere else so instead, allow me to offer this little anecdote. Back when we had lives, the FGW and I went to an all day music festival at RFK Stadium that found us thirty feet from the stage swaying to the dulcet sounds of Toad the Wet Sprocket's Walk on the Ocean. As Toad finished and the crowd exhaled in one big collective yoga cool down, I noticed the demographics around me beginning to shift from granola to gravel. Before I knew it, the MC was on the stage asking the crowd if they were ready "TO HAVE THEIR MINDS RIPPED APART!?!?" (nice segue) at which point Henry Rollins burst onto stage screaming his brains out and we found ourselves in the middle of a mosh pit with the cast of Sons of Anarchy. I grabbed the FGW by the hand and we bolted for the back of the stadium like Keanu Reeves outrunning an explosion. 

So in that scenario, did Henry Rollins cause the crowd's behavior? Of course he did. Were the FGW and I in the wrong place at the wrong time? Yes we were. Did we stick around and start yelling "Henry Rollins sucks!"? No we did not because (a) we're not suicidal and (b) it wouldn't have changed anyone's opinion of Henry Rollins anyway. In a related story, 88% of Trump supporters said that they were as likely or more likely to vote for Trump in light of the ruckus that occurred in Chicago last week. 


3. Ted Cruz


There has been a lot of speculation among the pundits about why so many Democrats are voting for Trump. While it is true that many of them can't stand Hilary and don't lean left enough for Bernie, the real reason may be a case of addition by subtraction in that Trump winning the nomination would mean no Ted Cruz. To Democrats, the prospect of President Cruz is more frightening than a love child born of Karl Rove and Ann Coulter.

4. Bernie Sanders

The Bern scored a nice win in Michigan but let's face it, his campaign has the permanency of a game of hacky sack at a Phish concert. When it's over, we'll all agree that it was fun while it lasted but dude, those are the opening chords of Sample in a Jar.

5. Marco Rubio

Down in front!
The doomed bobsled ride that Chris Christie started by cutting his brakes and giving him a big push in New Hampshire appears to be coming to an end as indicated by the sparse turnout at this rally in Hialeah last week. You have to give Rubio credit for one thing. At least he initiated the juvenile back and forth with Trump in Houston that led to Trump assuring everyone that there was no problem with his manhood. If not for that, we may never have touched the bottom of the campaign pool.

DFL. America

We're fucked.

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