Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Fantasy Golf: The Byron Nelson Preview

To say that I've been mailing-in the Fantasy Golf Report lately would be an insult to all of those people with too much time on their hands who actually still take the time to write letters, mail checks to creditors and send psychotic political hate mail to elected officials and judges.* (I think you just insulted them anyway). But for whatever reason, it's kind of working as I stumbled onto another winner in my top five last week so my excuse for half-assing a third straight preview will be a winning streak based on a sample size of two tournaments. 

We can also blame it on the long weekend which turned one of my key writing days into a poolside glad-handing fest full of idle conversation and the exchange of semi-sincere pleasantries with non-FGR readers. My world has basically been divided into readers and non-readers because let's be honest, why would I want to hang-out with anyone who doesn't enjoy reading what I write (or at least looking at the pictures)? Put a less douchy sounding way, if you don't like reading my stuff, then we probably don't have that much in common anyway so let's not waste everyone's time (that may have actually sounded more douchy if that's possible).  


Besides, the FGW deftly handles most of that light social lifting which has covered my arrogant sarcastic ass for the nineteen years we've been married so the least I can do is cut the writing short tonight in honor of our anniversary (thank you . . . you're too kind). Especially after I spent three of the days leading up to it playing a golf tournament** and generally conducting myself in full Peter Griffin mode. ("For more about flatulence, you can visit my ass." - P. Griffin).  

But before I go, I'll leave you with the following pithy little FGR post-tournament tale. As I was leaving the pool on Memorial Day, a very classy looking and slightly elderly woman approached me and exclaimed, "YOU'RE THE MOJITO GUY!" As this was my first trip to the pool this year, I assumed I was dealing with a case of mistaken identity which led to the following exchange: 


So if I'm "Mojito Guy" . . .***
FGR: "I'm sorry but you must have me confused with someone else." 

Woman: "No it was you. We met at the tournament this weekend."

FGR: "OK . . . yes . . . now I remember" (not remembering at all).

Woman: "We took a picture with my son."

FGR: "Yes that's right" (still nothing registering).

I then introduced myself and she introduced herself at which point I recognized the name and it all rushed back.

Woman: "I said you were drinking a Mojito out of a copper mug and you told me it was something else."

FGR: "Yes, yes it was a Moscow Mule."

Woman: "That was it!!!"

We then parted ways but only after agreeing to hang-out this summer (not really). So what's the point of this story? Well actually there are two: (1) apparently I do have a modicum of charm even when I've sailed into the memory fog as I had that day; and (2) I fucking hate Mojitos so please don't ever accuse me of drinking one.      

The Byron Nelson Favorites

1. Jordan Spieth - 9/2
. . . can I nominate my
own "Mojito Girl?" . . .
2. Dustin Johnson - 12/1
3. Jason Day - 14/1
4. Matt Kuchar - 28/1
4. Brandt Snedeker - 28/1
4. Ian Poulter - 28/1
4. Keegan Bradley - 28/1
7. Marc Leishman - 30/1
8. Justin Thomas - 33/1
8. Charley Hoffman - 33/1
8. Jimmy Walker - 33/1

The FGR Byron Nelson Picks

1. Jordan Spieth
2. Gary Woodland
3. Matt Kuchar
4. Jason Day
5. Dustin Johnson

The FGR One and Done Pick: Gary Woodland

The Sleeper Pick: Morgan Hoffman 


Last Week's Report Card: B-


1. Zach Johnson - T19th
2. Jordan Spieth - T2nd
3. Jimmy Walker - T65th
. . . or "Mojito Girls."
4. Chris Kirk - 1st
5. Charley Hoffman - T10th

One and Done Picks to Date

Hyundai: Kevin Streelman - $70,667
Sony: Chris Kirk - $42,280
Humana: Russell Knox - M/C
Phoenix: Hunter Mahan - $36,729
Farmers: Hideki Matsuyama - M/C
AT&T: Dustin Johnson - $281,067
Northern Trust: Jimmy Walker - $24,120
Honda: Keegan Bradley - M/C
WGC-Cadillac: Bubba Watson - $540,000
Valspar: Jim Furyk - $23,600
Palmer: Brooks Koepka – W/D
Texas Open: Matt Kuchar - $99,200
Houston Open: Louis Oosthuizen - M/C
Masters: Rory McIlroy - $480,000
Heritage: Patrick Reed - M/C
Zurich: Rickie Fowler - M/C
Match Play: Graeme McDowell - $49,385
Players: Henrik Stenson - $130,857
Wells Fargo: Webb Simpson - $624,800
Colonial: Zach Johnson - $78,780

Season Total: $2,481,485

Endnotes


* I spent a year working for a judge so I can tell you for a fact that they receive their fair share of mail written in crayon with supporting illustrations and diagrams. I can also tell you that if all of the loons in this country woke-up and decided to reveal themselves to the world on the same day, Mad Max would look like a documentary. 


** How did the tournament go you ask? Well let's just say that when you lose a two day-two man stroke play event by four shots, you spend some time staring at the ceiling that night pondering all of the shots you missed and all of the times you and your partner decided to screw-up the same hole. I'd last about three weeks as a professional golfer before you'd find me shaking in the bathtub like the dad from Say Anything.  

*** If you've ever met me, that picture just made you do a double take.

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com