Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Fantasy Golf: The Colonial Preview

Um, golf, can we talk for a minute? You see, the thing is that this 2014 season is at about the halfway point and so far your signature moment is Matt Kuchar's bunker shot on 18 the week AFTER Bubba Watson plied us with turkey and cough syrup before singing us to sleep at the Masters. Your most recent event was a snooze fest won by the latest of what has become a growing list of newcomers not named "Jordan Spieth." Yeah keep laughing NBA . . . you're six games from a Spurs-Pacers final before launching the "Summer of Sterling" which is going to be more awkward than watching Schindler's List with your friend Klaus. And I'd wipe that smile off your face hockey because lacrosse is coming with a whole lot more scoring and kids practice fields that you don't have to share with birthday parties and ice dancers.

But today we're talking about your failings golf. The result of the Byron Nelson was another thoroughly unpredictable winner though I will say that I lugged Brendon Todd on my season-long roster for several unproductive weeks in February based on his stats and a decent start to the season before cutting him like the poor bastard who is going to find himself battling for the final roster spot with Michael Sam (heyooo).* His recent run of T43-T38-Cut couldn't have had a lot of people dialing him up at the Byron Nelson. By my count, Todd is the 12th player in 21 tournaments since the start of 2014 to avoid radar detection before his win which wouldn't be so bad if  guys like Tiger and Phil weren't avoiding radar detection altogether. Break's over golf. You've got three weeks to gather some momentum leading up to the U.S. Open and the clock is ticking.    

Last Week's Report Card: C-

1. Jason Dufner - T48th
Here we've been back in Texas for a week
and a half and I've completely ignored the
cowgirl angle. That's just sloppy journalism.
2. Charl Schwartzel - T11th
3. Jimmy Walker - T37th
4. Jordan Spieth - T37th
5. Matt Kuchar - T7th
6. Brian Harman - T29th

The Walking with a Severe Limp Report

Hyundai: Gary Woodland - $130,000
Sony: Chris Kirk - $604,800
Humana: Charles Howell, III - $12,198
Farmers: Bill Haas - $20,740
WM Phoenix: Billy Horschel - M/C
Pebble Beach: Russell Knox - $46,860
Northern Trust: Dustin Johnson - $723,600
Match Play: Hunter Mahan - $148,000
Honda Classic: Graeme McDowell - $15,600
WGC-Cadillac: Rory McIlroy - $76,000
Valspar: Harris English - $23,940
Palmer: Justin Rose - M/C
Texas Open: Kevin Chappell - M/C
Houston Open: Keegan Bradley - $18,374
Masters: Matt Kuchar - $342,000
Heritage: Jim Furyk - $187,050
Zurich: Graham DeLaet - $44,200
Wells Fargo: Webb Simpson - $28,980
The Players: Adam Scott - $38,000
Byron Nelson: Jason Dufner - $17,327

Season Total: $2,477,669

This week we head about 30 miles down Route 30 from Irving to Fort Worth which is pretty much walking distance by Texas standards. (Have you ever driven across the wide part of Texas? Jesus, now I know how Napoleon felt trying to get to Moscow). Zach Johnson has won this thing twice in the last four years and holds the tournament scoring record at -21. The only reason you wouldn't pick him is because (a) you already have or (b) he's been in a relative funk for the last three months but recent quality of play does not seem to be an indicator any more (see: Todd, Brendon) so I wouldn't let that dissuade you. The fact that I'm picking him on the other hand . . .

The Colonial Favorites
"The next mutherfucker who asks, 'how
much longer?' can walk back to Paris."

1. Matt Kuchar - 12 to 1
2. Zach Johnson - 12 to 1
3. Jim Furyk - 14 to 1
4. Adam Scott - 16 to 1
5. Jordan Spieth - 18 to 1
6. Dustin Johnson - 25 to 1

The FGR Colonial Picks

1. Zach Johnson
2. Jordan Spieth
3. Ryan Palmer
4. Jim Furyk
5. Matt Kuchar
6. John Senden**

Footnotes

* For the record, I am pro Michael Sam, anti Donald Sterling and still on the fence about the Old Spice commercials with the moms singing about their sons growing-up. I'm going to stop talking now.

** When the FGR picks include Kuchar and Spieth, they go six spots deep because those guys are locks so we need to add a wild card. If only they were married to former strippers.

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.