Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Fantasy Golf: The RBC Heritage Preview

So let's go ahead and dispense with the pleasantries. That Masters sucked. I watched almost every televised shot* and, other than a stretch of holes on the front nine of the last round where Bubba Watson and Jordan Spieth looked like they might be getting ready to go Thunderdome** on us, there was almost no drama. Consider that the six players who finished tied for 5th or better and had a realistic chance to win when they made the turn played the 13th and 15th holes a combined two under with ten pars and two birdies. No eagles, no doubles . . . no fun. It was almost as painfully boring as watching a baseball game from start to finish . . . almost. (And yes, I went there).

The only bright spot was that the FGR finally produced a top five pick after an almost two month long drought. But man it could have been so much better. After making birdie on the 2nd hole and then chipping in for another one on the 3rd, Matt Kuchar was tied for the lead at -6. He then proceeded to four-putt the 4th for a momentum killing double. That mess must have had a lingering effect because Kuch's only birdie the rest of the way was from about two feet on 11 despite having great chances on 12 and 16. The bogeys on 17 and 18 were just gentle kick to the shin reminders that this is not my year.
"Do you think I'm cute Mr. Kuchar?
Do you think I'm funny?!?"

I have always said that I will draft Kuch for my season long team because I find him so easy to root for but there were some dark points on that back nine (like when he pulled his tee shot on 13) when I wished that Sgt. Hartman would storm onto the fairway and start screaming, "I'm gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fucking seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will . . ." (you can Google the rest if you don't know it but I can't cross that line with my boy as we still have a major to win this season).

In an ongoing effort to keep the FGR fresh, I've moved Last Week's Report Card up and dropped this week's picks down. In related stories, I am wearing brown socks today, I had an Asian Cashew Chicken Salad from Wendy's*** for lunch and Speedos were 25% off at Sports Authority so I bought two.**** Now I alll I need is a Groupon for manscaping and I'm ready for Memorial Day weekend at the club.

Last Week's FGR Report Card: C-

1. Matt Kuchar - T5th
By now we all know that Angie Watson
is very tall. But do you know who else is
tall? Rianne Ten Haken. So there you go. 
2. Phil Mickelson - M/C
3. Adam Scott - T14th
4. Sergio Garcia - M/C
5. Jason Day - T21st
6. Nick Watney - T44th
7. Dustin Johnson - M/C
8. Ernie Els - M/C
9. Rory McIlroy - T8th
10. Branden Grace - M/C

The Ray of Hope Report

Hyundai: Gary Woodland - $130,000
Sony: Chris Kirk - $604,800
Humana: Charles Howell, III - $12,198
Farmers: Bill Haas - $20,740
WM Phoenix: Billy Horschel - M/C
Pebble Beach: Russell Knox - $46,860
Northern Trust: Dustin Johnson - $723,600
Match Play: Hunter Mahan - $148,000
Honda Classic: Graeme McDowell - $15,600
WGC-Cadillac: Rory McIlroy - $76,000
Valspar: Harris English - $23,940
Palmer: Justin Rose - M/C
Texas Open: Kevin Chappell - M/C
Houston Open: Keegan Bradley - $18,374
Masters: Matt Kuchar - $342,000

Season Total - $2,162,112

Let's look ahead to arguably the biggest letdown event in all of sports, especially now that they don't play the Pro Bowl the week after the Super Bowl. Even with it's B+ field, respectable roster of past winners and picturesque setting, the RBC Heritage is always going to feel like watching a cover band. Anyway, the guy who usually wins is the one who hits the most fairways and Jim Furyk is really good at that and he's playing well and he won this thing in 2010 and you know the drill by now.   

Oh yeah, apparently Michelle
Buswell is also very tall.
This Week's Favorites

1. Jordan Spieth - 18 to 1
2. Matt Kuchar - 18 to 1
3. Jason Day - 18 to 1
4. Luke Donald - 22 to 1
5. Jim Furyk - 22 to 1

The FGR One and Done Picks

1. Jim Furyk
2. Will Mackenzie
3. Kevin Na
4. Russell Knox
5. Billy Horschel

Footnotes

* I missed all of Friday for a really cool golf related reason that I will cover at some point soon. Let's just say that it more than made-up for the crappy Masters

** Yet another dated reference to a movie of my youth, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome which produced the classic line, "two men enter . . . one man leaves." I felt compelled to identify it because it's from that bygone era when people still liked Mel Gibson.   

*** And it was delicious. You better watch your ass Chick-fil-A. I warned that you would rue the day when you stopped serving the Southwestern Chargrilled Salad. My advice . . . lose the Grilled Market Salad. You're not fooling anybody with all of that fruit.     


**** This is funny because it's true. I actually go through about one Speedo a month because I leave them hanging in the locker room and I assume the cleaning people treat them as they would a used diaper. Before you get too repulsed, I should add that they are the long kind that stretch to the top of your knee but I don't think that was any consolation to the nice young lady at the counter who probably now has to fight-off the image of a guy with a hairy neck who looked sixty years old to her squeezing into one of those things. ("Honey . . . you haven't even touched your dinner.")

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