Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Fantasy Golf: The Arnold Palmer Preview

Two movies come quickly to mind this week. The first is the highly underrated The Other Guys with Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg and the scene in which Chistinith's husband Hal enters the room with a tray of Arnold Palmers while making siren sounds followed by "Arnold Palmer Alert" . . . "Arnold Palmer Alert" . . . "who wants some Arney Palmeys?"* (The FGW loves it when I re-enact that scene for people we barely know). The second and less obvious is the original Lethal Weapon** in which Mel Gibson and Danny Glover pursue a lead that they both agree is "thin" to a house that explodes Hollywood style meaning that it has the force to blow them off their feet while failing to so much as graze them with a flying shingle. The exploding house leads them to the conclusion that their theory of the case may not be so "thin" after all. (As lame as that sounds kids, Lethal Weapon is actually one of those 80's action movies worth watching . . . now get off of my lawn).

Unfortunately, there will be no exploding house in this week's Fantasy Golf Report so this one is going to be a bit "thin" but that's to be expected from a guy who seems to be falling deeper and deeper into a pit of gambling despair. The fact that no one playing fantasy golf made a big move last week in a tournament that featured a win-place-show trio of John Senden, Kevin Na and Scott Langley is of little consolation. When your two picks (Harris English and Matt Kuchar) both finish tied for 38th, it's hard not to think that the 2014 season is looking at you like "are you still here?"     

In the old days, if you really wanted to break-out of a funk at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, you'd just dial-up Tiger, put $1M+ on the board and move-on but who knows what you're going to get from him this week?*** His last three final rounds have been a 78, a 79 and 13 holes at the Honda when he was hitting it all over the place before he bailed. I think it's time to look elsewhere until further notice. 

I'm going to keep going with the (previously) successful formula of picking top ranked players who are in good form and have had success on the upcoming course. This week that's Justin Rose who finished T8th last week and came in 2nd at the Palmer in 2013 to go with a tie for 3rd in 2011. I will continue to follow this strategy until one of these MFer's wins or I'm found trembling in my bathtub clutching a bottle of vodka and Gatorade in one hand and a Top Shots: 2007 Women of Professional Golf Calendar in the other while reciting quotes from Jack Nicklaus' Golf My Way video in his creepy high pitched voice that sounds like a cross between Andy Rooney and Chucky.****        

The Favorites
Whether it's true or not, it pleases me to
think that the younger players call Tiger
"Pops" and "Grampy" behind his back.

1. Bubba Watson - 12 to 1
2. Justin Rose - 12 to 1
3. Adam Scott - 14 to 1
4. Graeme Mcdowell - 16 to 1
5. Hunter Mahan - 20 to 1
6. Zach Johnson - 20 to 1
7. Henrik Stenson - 25 to 1
8. Keegan Bradley - 25 to 1
9. Harris English - 28 to 1
10. Patrick Reed - 28 to 1

The FGR One and Done Picks

1. Justin Rose
2. Graeme McDowell
3. Hunter Mahan
4. Henrik Stenson
5. Zach Johnson

The Valspar Championship Recap

To compound the misery of a Sunday leaderboard that featured no star power (and that concludes our recap of the Valspar Championship), the FGW conned me into watching The Great Gatsby this weekend. I know it's probably been about 30 years since I read the Cliff Notes for it, but I honestly don't remember that story being such a long drawn-out suckfest. When I agreed to embark on the two hour and twenty-two minute viewing experience, I figured that I was at least getting Leo and two guys from Zero Dark Thirty (Joel Edgerton and Jason Clarke) directed by Baz Luhrmann who usually gets points for being original. However, Washington Post critic Ann Hornaday summed it up best when she wrote, "[b]y no means is The Great Gatsby a disaster . . . [b]ut neither is it necessary." 

With about twenty minutes remaining and the story building toward its climax, I started experiencing a very distinct sensation and it took me a second to figure-out what it was because I had been somewhat duped by all of the cinematic hijinx that Lurhmann likes to throw onto the screen. But then it dawned on me. I was bored out of my fucking mind and I'm not sure there is a harsher criticism for a movie . . . especially one that endeavored to be such a wowzer. My advice? Save the 2:22 of your life that you'll never get back and go rent Lurhmann's Romeo + Juliet instead. You'll be less likely to walk away from that one before it's over while telling your wife, "ehhhh . . . I know how it ends anyway."      

Last Week's FGR Report Card: C-
The best thing in the whole damn movie
was Isla Fisher and they went and ran
her over with a freakin' Duesenberg.

1. Harris English - T38th
2. Matt Kuchar - T38th
3. Jordan Spieth - T20th
4. Jason Dufner - T14th
5. Russell Knox - T25th

The FGR PUD Report

Hyundai: Gary Woodland - $130,000
Sony: Chris Kirk - $604,800
Humana: Charles Howell, III - $12,198
Farmers: Bill Haas - $20,740
WM Phoenix: Billy Horschel - M/C
Pebble Beach: Russell Knox - $46,860
Northern Trust: Dustin Johnson - $723,600
Match Play: Hunter Mahan - $148,000
Honda Classic: Graeme McDowell - $15,600
WGC-Cadillac: Rory McIlroy - $76,000
Valspar: Harris English - $23,940

Season Total: $1,801,738

Email the Fantasy Golf Report at fgr@fantasygolfreport.com.

Footnotes

* I'm not sure where they went wrong with the marketing of The Other Guys which I think is my favorite Will Ferrell movie of all-time. (Maybe it's the title). I've seen it at least a half dozen times and every scene in the first hour still cracks me up. For example, here is a clip of the aforementioned "Arney Palmey" scene - it gets me every time . . . "Arnold Palmer Alert."

** It might be time for me to broaden my movie viewing horizons beyond buddy cop flicks and gangster movies.

*** As I was writing this, word came-out that Tiger had withdrawn this week but I had already committed to this path with the picture, the caption, etc. so I went with it. Just didn't want you to think this was a Germans bombing Pearl Harbor type situation.

**** If you forgot how terrifying that little bastard is, check-out this scene. There is now a 100% chance I'll be checking under my bed for a possessed Murray Wiggle doll tonight.