Saturday, September 21, 2013

The FGR Week 3 NFL Picks

Inspire me God's Linebacker.
Please. I beseech you.
The NFL picks are not going to get their due again this week and believe me when I tell you that I feel worse than that kid from the Cobra Kai who was ordered to take Daniel's knee out on purpose. (I am literally crying and apologizing while cradling the computer right now). I promise, however, that the FGR will come back strong next week following Ray Lewis's induction into the Ravens' Ring of Honor at halftime on Sunday. If that day doesn't yield some writing material, then it might be time to hang-up the keyboard and/or start smoking Peyote.

We would, however, be remiss if we didn't at least address the major story of the week which was the Browns shipping last year's first round pick, Trent Richardson, to the Colts for a 2014 first round pick. I was hoping to get this out before Bill Simmons wrote 3,000 words on it because it's basically his research that I'm stealing but I didn't so consider this a summary for my seven readers who don't also follow the Sports Guy. The Browns have become the first NFL team to openly embrace the formula for turning around a franchise that NBA teams have been following for years. All you do is simply trade one of your five best players for a future first round pick and in the process you successfully (a) gain a more tradeable asset for moving-up in the next draft and (b) decrease your current chance of winning thereby improving the first round pick you already own. And yes, the Browns did actually have room for unimprovement.

It's a brilliant strategy and it could land them Teddy Bridgewater but there's one problem. I don't think anyone can outsuck* Jacksonville this year. We're only two games in and we can already look at the schedule and determine that they basically have three shots at a win this year (at Cleveland, home against Buffalo and home against Tennessee). You've clearly hit rock bottom as an NFL franchise when (a) you're a 19.5 point underdog and (b) the crawl on one of your CBS affiliates (Orlando) states the following (and I did not make this up): "In accordance with NFL policy, WKMG must carry all Jacksonville Jaguars away games. We apologize for any inconvenience."** As a former resident of the city that was once denied a franchise in favor of Jacksonville when Commissioner Paul Tagliabue said we'd be better off spending the money to build a library, all I have to say is that you don't fuck with the City the Reads because we already have almost as many libraries as methadone clinics so burn on you Tags.    

Here come the picks. The FGR finished strong last week and then nailed the Thursday night game so we're like a can of Schlitz on a fat guy's gut cause we're on a roll.

Tennessee by 3 over San Diego: The Pick - Chargers

Minnesota by 6.5 over Cleveland: The Pick - Vikings

New England by 7 over Tampa Bay: The Pick - Patriots

Houston by 2.5 over Baltimore: The Pick - Ravens (for Ray)

Dallas by 3.5 over St. Louis: The Pick - Cowboys

New Orleans by 7.5 over Arizona: The Pick - Cardinals

Washington by 1 over Detroit: The Pick - Lions

Green Bay by 2 over Cincinnati: The Pick - Packers

N.Y. Giants by 1.5 over Carolina: The Pick - Giants

Miami by 2 over Atlanta: The Pick - Dolphins

San Francisco by 10 over Indianapolis: The Pick - Colts

Seattle by 19.5 over Jacksonville: The Pick - Seahawks***

N.Y. Jets by 2.5 over Buffalo: The Pick - Bills

Chicago by 2.5 over Pittsburgh: The Pick - Bears

Denver by 14.5 over Oakland: The Pick - Broncos

Last Week's Record: 10-6 . . . . Overall Record: 17-14-1

The FGR Fantasy Squad: Week 2

The LeSean McCoy and Randall Cobb picks are looking like genius right now but we're feeling even better about our bench at this point. Bernard Pierce would get the start over Chris Johnson this week and, if not for the brutal 49er match-up, T.Y. Hilton would probably be in there as well. Julian Edelman is PPR league gold as he might become the first receiver in NFL history with 150 catches and he might not reach 800 yards doing it. By the way, when do the Patriots play their first game against an NFL team? I know Roger Goodell is Robert Kraft's lackey but opening the season with the Bills, Jets and Bucs seems a little over the top.

Chip Kelly's new offense and
the Eagles have been very
good to the FGR this year.
Matthew Stafford - 17
LeSean McCoy - 19
Chris Johnson - 9
Randall Cobb - 21
Marques Colston - 6
Jason Witten - 1
Ravens - 15
Jay Feely - 13

Total - 101

Bench

Eli Manning - 13
Bernard Pierce - 11
Shonn Greene - 0
Knowshon Moreno - 22
T.Y. Hilton - 15
Julian Edelman - 7
Alshon Jeffrey - 4

Endnotes

* I've already copywrighted "outsuck" so don't even try it.

"I don't care if you're not a
jaguar. Close enough."
** You know there were a handful of poor bastards who spent last Sunday shepherding their entire extended family around Disney World with their one beacon of hope being that when it was over, they could slump into their hotel room beds and watch the Manning Bowl only to discover they were getting Jags-Raiders instead. Over/under on the number of times the phrase "daddy's at the bar" was uttered in Orlando that night: 1,732.5.

*** I know this a huge number but don't forget two things: (a) Pete Carroll spent a lot of time in college running-up the score and (b) Pete Carroll has no conscience.

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