Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Fantasy Golf: The Wyndham Preview

Kind of a tough writing assignment considering I spent the weekend speed walking around the streets of midtown Manhattan with the FGW and three kids in tow ("come on . . . we can make this light!"). Even if I wanted to write about the PGA Championship, I couldn't considering it wasn't televised on cable in New York thanks to some ongoing dispute between Time Warner and CBS (I think it has to do with money). So instead of trying to piece together something based on post-round highlights and what I've read about the final round (which is nothing), let's talk about my weekend in the Big Apple.

"Hey Smitty, what's with the
pictures it's a turnpike!"**
Let's start with the bus ride from outside of Baltimore to the corner of 28th Street and 7th Avenue. That's right we eschewed the train to save a few bucks* and to teach the FGKs that sometimes life stinks, literally, like bad B.O. When we got on board, there were no seats together so it appeared that my six year old daughter was going to have to sit across the aisle from the FGW until she burst into to tears prompting two people to offer-up their seats (a/k/a the always effective "Veruca Salt Approach"). The highlight of the trip was undeniably the guy across the aisle with the two foot telephoto lens who started snapping pictures before we even hit the Lincoln Tunnel. I figured he was either trying to take pictures of Niagara Falls from New Jersey or he thought he was on the worst Statue of Liberty tour ever.

It was a beautiful day and after we settled in to our sweet digs we took a stroll through Central Park ending-up at the Boathouse for lunch. There were tourists rowing in circles on the pond and crashing into each other like some kind of drunken slow motion demolition derby and there were old German men in cycling outfits ignoring the "No Bikes on Sidewalks" signs and crashing through the crowd. It was one of those days that would make you say, "you know, I could actually live here." Then, as we were leaving the restaurant, we passed a couple from out of town who decided that table fourteen would be an appropriate place to change their baby's diaper for the first time that month and it was one of those scenes that made you say, "oh yeah, that's right, no I couldn't."

From there we moved on to the NBC Studio Tour where I got to see the stage where Bruce Dickinson declared that he needed more cowbell. (Now if I ever get to sit in the boardroom where George had the Jerkstore line thrown back in his face, my life will be complete). Forty-five minutes later I was leaning against the news desk on the set of the Today show and . . . well . . . I farted meaning I will never be able to watch the Today show again without cracking myself up (ah simple pleasures).

"I'm not dead yet
you insolent prick."
The next day we did the high rise thing, the Statue of Liberty thing, the get on the wrong subway train thing and the perusing crap at the same stores we have at the mall down the street thing (who knew all I had to do to make my kids happy was take them to Brookstone so they can sit in the freakin' massage chairs?***). I don't remember too many details as I was checking my phone every ten minutes for PGA Championship updates. The salvation for my one and done season, Henrik Stenson, was in the hunt again and I thought I was going to get away from a very shoddy season by winning back my entry fee. However, my last words to my partners before I left town for the weekend were, "if Furyk or Dufner win, we're screwed." Considering the outcome, I apparently must have pissed-off the ghost of Willard Scott with my 30 Rock air biscuit.

Anyway, here are some picks for the week along with last week's report card and a picture of the lovely Amanda Boyd a/k/a Mrs. Dufner.

Turns-out the pictures of Amanda Boyd were pretty tame
so how about Amanda Beard. It's good to be the editor.
The Wyndham Top Five

1. Webb Simpson
2. Bill Haas
3. Zach Johnson
4. Brendon de Jonge
5. Jimmy Walker

Last Week's Report Card: B

1. Matt Kuchar - T22nd
2. Tiger Woods - T40th
3. Henrik Stenson - 3rd
4. Jason Day - T8th
5. Adam Scott - T5th
6. Keegan Bradley - T19th
7. Webb Simpson - T25th
8. Justin Rose - T33rd
9. Jason Dufner - 1st
10. Martin Kaymer - T33rd

You see, I told you that (a) Tiger wasn't going to win, (b) neither would Phil, (c) Hunter Mahan would be a non-factor and (d) we'd have another first time major winner. I just got the wrong guy but I at least had him on the list and all ten made the cut so we're ending major season with a solid "B". My pick was looking pretty strong after two rounds and then Kuch went sideways on me with a third round 76 and that's the last we heard from him. With three more first time major winners this year, however, I think we know that his time will come soon along with Jason Day, Dustin Johnson, Henrik Stenson and Hunter Mahan. As for guys like Sergio Garcia, Luke Donald and Steve Stricker, Lee Westwood may have summed-up their chances when he spent Sunday night futily counter-punching with his Twitter followers ending with the following defeated sounding shot, "Just honest. Bored now. Westy out." It's looking more and more like a Colin Montgomerie situation for those guys.  

Endnotes

* Three ways to do New York City on the cheap: (1) take the bus, (2) have free access to a luxury three bedroom pad on the upper west side, and (3) don't eat.

** I doubt his name was Smitty but, in an effort to maintain some level of political correctness, we've made the appropriate modifications to Rodney's classic Caddyshack line. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to devote the next 56 seconds to watching this scene.

*** Do people in New York City actually say, "hey honey, I'm heading down to Rockefeller Center to pick-up some Creatine at GNC and a massage chair at Brookstone . . . be back in an hour"?