Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Week 15 Thursday Night Pick

"NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!!!"
As I've watched my kids walking around the house for the past week living in mortal fear of the all-powerful Elf on the Shelf*, I've been wracking my brain trying to remember where I've witnessed this scene play out before. And then it dawned on me. That little bastard is the Soup Nazi. It finally came into focus when I saw my five year old daughter pause in front of his perch on the window sill and reverently say, "if it's not too late, could I add colored pencils to my list . . . thank you" before shuffling away as if she was exiting a confessional.**

I'm not necessarily sure subjecting your kids to this modern day version of Big Brother is healthy. On the other hand, it's been very peaceful lately and that little narc could be the only thing that keeps my house from devolving into a Lord of the Flies situation once the kids are out of school so we'll go with it for now and deal with the lingering effects of the paranoia later.

Cincinnati by 3 over Philadelphia: The Pick - Eagles

As far as I can tell, there are only four reasons to watch this game: (a) you are a Bengals fan and you have my sympathies, (b) you are a Ravens, Steelers or Jets*** fan and you are rooting for an Eagles win which will enhance the playoff chances of your team, (c) you are an Eagles fan hoping that Nick Foles is finally "the one," or (d) you have A.J. Green on your fantasy team. I think the Eagles have finally woken-up and realized that everyone is laughing at them. Combine that with the realization that if Andy Reid gets fired, the owner might bring in a coach with a greater regard for fitness, and that should be enough motivation at home against a marginal Bengals team that blazed a trail of false hope for their fans with a four game winning streak that included three over the dregs of the AFC West before crashing back to reality with that gag against the Cowboys last week.

Endnotes

I think I figured-out
how this could appeal
to a broader audience.
* For those who are not in the Elf on the Shelf demographic, it is a brilliant marketing concept where someone took a creepy little stuffed elf and made-up a back story that has something to do with him being Santa's spy. To make the story more convincing, the elf moves around your house during the weeks leading-up to Christmas giving your children the impression that he is real and that he changes location during the night. Of course, being a stuffed toy, he is not ambulatory and therefore requires some assistance which means that about three or four times during the most exhausting month of the year, you will find yourself waking-up in the middle of the night to the realization that, "I forgot to move the fucking elf" which explains why the people who came up with this idea are now in the witness protection program.  

** I will admit that I am making an educated guess on this because I have never actually been in a confessional . . . unless you count the ones with stools on one side and beer taps on the other.

*** In yet another indication of how awful the bottom half of the AFC is this year, the Jets are currently in 8th place and only one game behind the Steelers and the Bengals for the final playoff spot. Add in the fact that they close the season by playing the Titans, Chargers and Bills and we are perilously close to seeing Tim Tebow return to Denver in the first round of the playoffs meaning the Mayans may have only been off by two weeks which is a pretty respectable margin of error on a prediction made over 5,000 years ago.