Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Week 11 NFL Picks - Part 2

The climb back to mediocrity has been completed as last week's 9-5 record plus Thursday night's winning pick gets the FGR over .500 for the season. We can build on this. (Editors note: It's 1:45 a.m., I'm a little banged-up and this is my last writing opportunity between now and 1:00 p.m. tomorrow so if you notice any typos, sentences ending in prepositions, dangling participles, etc. . . piss off . . . I'll make it up to you with the pictures).

Washington by 3 over Philadelphia: The Pick - Redskins

You'd be looking saucy too if you
were playing against Nick Foles
and a lame duck Andy Reid.
Instead of betting on this game, can't we bet on how many times DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin throw Nick Foles under the bus with their frustrated gesticulations this Sunday?* I'm banking on the fact that RG, III and Mike Shanahan have now had the bye week to figure out that (a) none of the Redskins' wide receivers can catch a football (which makes you wonder if they lied on their applications) and (b) by just snapping the ball to your freakishly athletic quarterback and telling him to just make shit up a la Johnny Football, good things can happen.**  

Green Bay by 3.5 over Detroit: The Pick - Packers

Something drastic is going to have to happen for me to pick against the Packers for the rest of this year as Mike McCarthy and Aaron Rodgers have successfully removed the banana from their offensive tailpipe.

Atlanta by 10 over Arizona: The Pick - Falcons

On the other side of that coin, something drastic is going to have to happen for me to pick the Cardinals again this year. If you ever found yourself wondering how an NFL team with Larry Fitzgerald could average less than 11 points per game over five weeks, here is your answer: (a) build a one dimensional offense, (b) make passing that one dimension and (c) have John Skelton and Kevin Kolb play quarterback. Voila!***

Tampa Bay by 1.5 over Carolina: The Pick - Bucs

Cam Newton has 8 touchdown passes to go along with 10 picks and 3 lost fumbles (he's actually fumbled 9 times but only lost 3 so it could be worse). Why do those numbers seem so . . . wait a minute, those are Jake Delhomme statistics!

Dallas by 7.5 over Cleveland: The Pick - Cowboys

Because I completely forgot
to mention the Browns.
Everyone is talking about this being the Giants' typical midseason swoon to be inevitably followed by a strong closing run. I disagree. The Giants just went 6-4 through the easiest part of their schedule and now have to play the Packers, Falcons, Saints and Ravens. 9-7 or 8-8 is a very real possibility which opens the door for the Cowboys who's toughest remaining games are the Steelers (possibly without Big Ben) and Saints at home. Will the Cowboys take advantage? Does a bear wipe his ass after he shits in the woods? (The answer to both questions is "I don't think so").

St. Louis by 3 over N.Y. Jets: The Pick - Rams

At 3-6, the Jets are really cutting this close if they plan on having Tim Tebow come in to save the season. The Rams have proven that they aren't much better after blowing last week's game by first (a) mismanaging the clock at the end of regulation, (b) committing what was effectively an 85 yard illegal formation penalty in overtime, and then (c) failing to snap the ball in time for the game winning field goal AND not calling timeout before the play clock hit zero. At least they played well enough to take another NFL team to overtime which is more than we can say for the Jets these days.

New England by 9 over Indianapolis: The Pick - Colts

I had the Patriots here because I'm pretty sure the Colts aren't quite ready to win this game (which they aren't) but what have we seen from the Patriots that makes us think they can cover a 9 point spread against a scrappy team with a solid quarterback playing on three extra days of rest? Well? . . . . . . . still nothing? Fine, I'm going with the Colts.

Houston by 16 over Jacksonville: The Pick - Jags

The Jags have lost their last two games by 17 points each and I get the feeling that this line is a product of those scores as in, "well if they lost to the Colts and Lions by 17, certainly the Texans will beat them by more than that." That's the kind of gambling logic that just gets you into trouble like saying "if I just keep doubling down on the Chiefs to win straight-up, this is going to payoff huge." Sixteen points is just too many, even with Blaine Gabbert prominently involved.

Cincinnati by 3.5 over Kansas City: The Pick - Bengals

I watched just enough of the Monday night game last week to hear Mike Tirico say that Romeo Crennel had decided to turn some of the defensive play calling over to another coach so he could focus more on the offense. So to review, through eight games the Chiefs had not held the lead at any point during regulation . . . and that's when the head coach thought it would be a good time to start focusing on the offense. Well it obviously paid off as the Chiefs scored the first touchdown of the game to end their dubious streak. At that point, however, Romeo announced that "my work here is done," went back to coaching the defense and the Chiefs could only muster six more points. I mean give the guy a break, he's only one man.

Smile if you just got Peyton
Manning and legal weed
in the same year.
Denver by 7.5 over San Diego: The Pick - Broncos

You want to know how far Phillip Rivers has fallen? He was recently featured in this Grantland piece on the Five Worst Passes of the 2012 NFL Season - Worst Passes. The other four guys on the list? Kevin Kolb, Mark Sanchez, Christian Ponder and Ryan Fitzpatrick. I mean that's got to be like waking-up with no idea where you are in a room with four other guys, a crack pipe, a bunch of syringes and thinking, "man . . . I need to start making better choices."****

New Orleans by 4.5 over Oakland: The Pick - Saints

If the Raiders made Joe Flacco look like Drew Brees then what are they going to make Drew Brees look like? Johnny Football? It's pretty clear at this point that Peyton Manning's decision to play for the Broncos had less to do with their roster and coaching staff and more to do with their competition. (Just like his decision to buy 21 Papa John's restaurants had less to do with the company's balance sheet and more to do with the fact that he will now get to put Acapulco Red on the menu).

San Francisco by 5 over Chicago: The Pick - 49ers

Jim Harbaugh underwent a procedure to correct an irregular heartbeat this week after unsuccessfully trying to fix it himself by clenching his teeth for two straight years. The Bears are truly an enigma. They have a quarterback who can win the game for their opponent any given week yet they can't win without him. Jason Campbell may be good enough to get them to the playoffs but that will have to start against the Vikings next week.

Last Week's Record: 9-5 . . . Season Record: 72-72-3

Endnotes

* I will often use words that I can neither spell nor define but that seem to work in a particular situation. Sometimes I'm not even sure they're real words until I look them up and then if they are, I am very pleased with myself. "Gesticulations" is one of those words. It also sounds a lot like "testicle" which was just lucky.

"Do you really think you have a chance
against us Mr. Johnny Football?"
** I'm in the tank for Johnny Football. Against Alabama, he was like Bruce Willis in the original Die Hard which would put Nick Saban in the role of Hans Gruber. (Wow, that analogy is almost creepy in how well it fits).

*** That's French for "flaming turd."

**** I feel the need to assure everyone who knows me that this is honestly a hypothetical. At least the part about the syringes (plural . . . as in more than one syringe).