Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Week 6 NFL Picks - Part 1

As noted in last week's picks, I just spent three days in Orlando earning so much in credit card cash back rewards that I think I've covered next month's mortgage payment. It was like eating and drinking at an NFL game that lasted 72 hours. By the time we got back to Baltimore, all I had left to give the shuttle bus driver for a tip were my shoes. Fortunately, we were about the same size.

The other byproduct of the trip was that I had no time to write because all of my evenings were spent planning the next day's assault on the amusement parks like we were squaring off against Erwin Rommel in the North African campaign.* So we're going to try something I started working on a few months ago for just such an emergency. In my ongoing effort to rip-off every column gimmick from my favorite sportswriters, I am going to take a crack at a Bill Simmons-esque mailbag. Just like the Simmons mailbags, these are actual emails from actual readers.**

Dear FGR,

My wife and I have a two year old son and I was thinking of building a sandbox for him in our backyard. Is this a good idea?

"Sandboat"?!? They should
have called it "Shitboat"!
- - Larry Dallas, Santa Monica, California

FGR: The sandbox is not a good idea it's a GREAT idea. Believe me, you have never felt the true weight of something until you've carried 200 pounds of sand. Once you build and fill-it, your son will love it . . . for a week and then it will become the outhouse for the neighborhood cats. Eight years later you will finally decide to take a sledgehammer to it but only after you've emptied it and discovered that 200 pounds of eight year old sand is harder to get rid of than weapons-grade plutonium. Be sure to take a lot of pictures that first week.
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Dear FGR,

I had to stop watching Dexter after my third consecutive nightmare featuring Edward James Almos and his creepy apprentice and I refuse to jump-on the CSI bandwagon. Is there another good detective show out there for me?

- - Stanley Wojciehowicz, Greenwich Village, New York

For the last time Detective Reese I
confess. Here's the murder weapon.
Now would you please cuff me?
Check-out Life starring Damian Lewis who is better in this than he is in Homeland. It aired on NBC from 2007 - 2009 before they inexplicably cancelled it.*** (If Showtime had gotten its hands on it first, we'd still be watching it). The basic gist of it is that Lewis' character is a former cop who is sentenced to life for murders he didn't commit. The show starts soon after his release from prison once he is exonerated and wins a hefty settlement for wrongful prosecution. (Yes the premise is a little thin but you get past it). By the time he gets out of jail, he's a Zen wise-ass/bad-ass detective. Then to spice it up,  he's partnered with Sarah Shahi who pushes the envelope every week in the "I'm almost buying that a police detective would actually wear that to work" department. So it's got that going for it . . . which is nice.

Email the FGR
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We'll continue with this theme for the rest of this week's picks tomorrow (or Saturday but definitely not later than Sunday) but for now, let's deal with the Thursday night game which, for those of us dedicated to picking every game of the season, has become a euphemism for "big pain in my ass."

Pittsburgh by 6 over Tennessee: The Pick - Steelers

I would normally be reluctant to pick a team giving 6 points that just scored a measly 16 coming out of their bye week unless they happened to be playing the Titans who surrendered 30 points to the Viking and, in the process, actually lowered their points per game allowed to 36.2. A more entertaining wager would be Steelers' points versus Chris Johnson rushing yards. In a related note, Chris Johnson (my first round draft pick) just got traded for the second time in my fantasy league. It's a six player deal in which he is the fifth best player involved.  

Endnotes

* The desert combat reference is probably not far off considering how you feel after spending a hot day in an amusement park. At the end of the first day at Legoland, the FGW and I had the following exchange:

FGW: "Do you think that pirate ship is made out of Lego?"

Me: "Right now I think your breath is made out of Lego."

Thank God she laughed because we still had two days to go. We are now up to reason no. 3,789 why I believe the FGW was put on this Earth two months after me to balance out my Karmic existence.

** If you count me as a "reader."

*** I'm sure they cancelled it because not enough people watched it. I'm also sure not enough people watched it because they called it "Life" which would have been like calling The Sopranos "Crime" or calling ER "Sick."