Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Colonial Preview


Would it shock you to know that this
is my favorite athlete of all time?
Last week's Peter King rip-off was so much fun that we're going to run it back but it needs its own name so I can call it my own. Maybe the FGR Jump Around because, as a huge fan of tennis in the 80's, I'd love to pay tribute to a violence inspiring rap song that finds a way to incorporate the following lyrics: "I'll serve your ass like John McEnroe, if your b--ch steps up, I'm smacking the ho."* We'll go with that as a working title.

The NBA Playoffs

To those who dismiss the NBA because they say the style of play lacks the passing, defense and teamwork that they've convinced themselves is so much better at the college level, I give you the San Antonio Spurs who are on an 18 game winning streak and just dismantled the team with the best point guard in the league. The Spurs may be playing unselfish team basketball at the highest level we've ever seen. Just look at the box score from their game 4 win over the Clippers. Ten guys played and everyone one of them scored but, more importantly than that, nine of them had assists and seven of those nine had multiple assists.

It appears that every single player on their roster has the two things that can make a basketball team unstoppable on offense (a) an understanding of the difference between a good shot and a bad shot, and (b) not just the willingness to make the extra pass to a teammate who has a better shot, but the understanding of why that is important and the desire to do it. In other words, they have an entire roster of players not named Nick Young. Do yourself a favor and tune in for the Spurs-Thunder series. If you still don't like the NBA after that, then it's just not meant to be.

Meta World Cuckoo for Coco Puffs
I'm not sure I'd be that honest 
with him. He's nuts and you're 
not Lisbeth Salander yet.


I was listening to Bob Ryan on the radio and he was commenting that Ron Artest** seems miffed as to why everyone is so angered when he does things like intentionally throttling the Thunder's James Harden with an elbow nearly knocking him unconscious. This led me to wonder whether he was ever told the following by one of his college girlfriends, "you are probably going to be a very successful basketball person but you're going to go through life thinking that other players don't like you because you're misunderstood. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you are a psychopath."

Dem O's Hon

I've been taking some heat for not giving props to the Orioles who currently have the second best record in baseball and a 2 game lead in the brutal American League East. In short, I have stayed silent for their own good. The last time the Orioles got off to a start like this was in 2005 when they led the division for 62 days and were 42-30 before finishing 32-58 and dropping to 4th. I remember sitting in the bar after playing golf in June of that year and openly discussing the idea of buying season tickets before the market caught-up with the team's success. (Fortunately, I reconsidered before the crash).

I think this team is head and shoulders above that 2005 squad and, more importantly, the Yankees and the Red Sox are struggling but the fact is that they are currently the equivalent of a football team that starts 3-1 like last season's Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Buffalo Bills who combined to win 4 games the rest of the season. Not to be a downer, but my current outlook is "cautiously optimistic for next season." If for no other reason than the always lurking Peter Angelos factor.

Fifty Shades of Grey

The FGW's book club is discussing Fifty Shades of Grey tonight which is a significant step in this country's march toward total gender equality. Consider the progress that will have been achieved if, in the same year, Augusta admits its first female member*** AND women finally find a way to gather and talk about pornography. Now if only they could figure-out how to play a round of golf in under five hours. (BOOM!)

Tweet of the Week

"I'm usually the smartest person in the room. Granted I'm usually alone when I think that but it still feels good though." - Jim Gaffigan

The Colonial Preview

I need to blow through this because, after losing a match last Saturday 9 & 8, I have a lesson at 1:00, therapy at 2:00 and then, just to be sure, I'm going to have the the portion of my brain that currently houses the memory of that experience surgically removed. I currently have Jim Furyk in my top five for the week and on my list of players reserved for the majors because I'm still torn on where to place him. Part of me thinks he's a great fit for the U.S. Open this year but when I envision making that pick, I don't see his name rising to the top of the list. Part of that comes from the fact that if I could use Jason Dufner there I would, but I burned him at the Heritage. I wouldn't pick either of them this week but hopefully that helps.****

The Colonial Top Five

1. Zach Johnson
2. Rickie Fowler
3. Bo Van Pelt
4. Jim Furyk
5. Spencer Levin
"OK mom, we're going to need you to take the
death grip off the trophy so we can get a
couple with just Rickie and Alexandra."

The Majors Reserved List

Tiger Woods (Masters)
Rory McIlroy (Masters)
Lee Westwood
Phil Mickelson
Matt Kuchar
Hunter Mahan
Jim Furyk
Keegan Bradley
Jason Dufner (first alternate)

Last Week's Report Card: C

1. Jason Day - T9th
2. Adam Scott - M/C
3. John Rollins - T24th
4. Ernie Els - T41st
5. Brian Gay - T56th

Not much to add but this exchange from a classic episode of Cheers does seem appropriate in light of Jason Day's final round 72 which (a) was the highest score of any player who finished in the Top 20, (b) included his second double bogey on the 18th hole for the week, and (c) dropped him from 2nd to 9th:

Sam: Carla's trying to become the kind of waitress you would enjoy being waited on by. 

Diane: "Being waited on by"? You just ended that sentence with two propositions. 

Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on? 

Diane: You ended that sentence with a proposition. 

Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on, MULLET-HEAD!

Endnotes

* I don't remember this video being so disturbing - House of Pain. So much for the image portrayed by the Irish Spring commercials.

** I can't call him Meta World Peace and it's got nothing to do with the inherent irony of his new name. I just think people sound stupid when those words come out of their mouth.

*** My theory is that this has already happened and Augusta didn't tell anyone so that when the first question at next year's Masters is asked about it, Billy Payne can say,  "we did that last year some time. Did we forget to issue a press release? Whoops."

**** Worst gambling advice column ever.