Monday, April 2, 2012

FGR NFL Mock Draft Part II

Because nothing says NFL Mock Draft like Masters week and the NCAA Championship Game,* I give you the FGR NFL Mock Draft Part II.  (Check out Part I here - FGR NFL Mock Draft Part I).

"I had it cut to look like a
helmet. Pretty cool huh?"
17.  Bengals - Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama: This is the pick the Bengals received from the Raiders as part of the Carson Palmer fleecing/trade. We'll get to the Bengals later.  The Raiders appeared to be heading in the right direction last season until they made one of the worst trades in the history of sports that had the rare distinction of being identified as one of the worst trades in the history of sports before it was even made.  Head coach Hue Jackson announced after the season that all future organizational decisions would run through him.  He was subsequently fired which means that he either fired himself or refused to toe the line and tell new owner Mark Davis how much he liked his new haircut.  Either way, it's business as usual in Oakland.

18.  Chargers -  Cordy Glenn, OT, Georgia:  The Chargers have been one of the most active teams in free agency trying to find some combination of players who will try hard for Norv Turner as he apparently spends training camp pleading like Donald Sutherland in Animal House, "I'm still waiting for some of you to pick-up playbooks.  I'm not joking. This is my job."

19.  Bears -  Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina:  Most experts agreed that the Bears' top priority in the off season was to upgrade the offensive line and improve the pass protection for Jay Cutler but the Bears had a better idea.  Trade for Brandon Marshall who, at 6' 4", will be easier for Cutler to see when lying on his back and will always be easy to locate thanks to the sounds of screaming women coming from his general vicinity as he punches them in the face.         

"Did I mention the offer includes
free soda pop in the cafeteria?"
20.  Titans - Fletcher Cox, DT, Miss, St.: Titans owner Bud Adams put on a full court press to sign Peyton Manning which included an offer for him to work in the team's front office when he retires.  I'm surprised Manning turned that down considering all of the sleepless nights he spends wondering how he's going to make any money when he retires.      

21.  Bengals - Doug Martin, RB, Boise St: The Wikipedia entry for the Bengals notes that "they have shown signs of improvement, posting a 9-7 record in what is widely regarded as one of the the toughest divisions in the NFL."  What it fails to point out is that the Bengals didn't win a game against a team with a winning record last year and went 0-4 against the Steelers and the Ravens. Peter King recently described their free agency efforts as "plumbing the depths of the lower-middle-class and seeing what, if anything, sticks." Reading between the lines, I don't think he's impressed.  

No, not that DirecTV ad.
22.  Browns -  Nick Perry, DE, USC:  This is the pick the Browns received from the Falcons as part of the 2011 draft day trade that resulted in Atlanta picking Julio Jones. Let's play the DirecTV game with the Falcons on this one.  When you think you have a franchise quarterback who is not a franchise quarterback, you trade two first round picks, a second round pick and two fourth round picks to move up twenty one spots and take a wide receiver.  When you trade-up to get a wide receiver, you don't have any draft picks left for defensive linemen.  When you don't have any picks left for defensive linemen, you give up 172 yards rushing in a playoff game.  When you give up 172 yards rushing in a playoff game, you lose 24-2.  Don't lose a playoff game 24-2.  Keep your draft picks.      

23.  Lions - Janoris Jenkins, CB, North Alabama:  The Lions gave up 946 yards passing and 9 touchdown passes in their last two games so they need to take a cornerback with this pick. If for no other reason than the fact that all of the conerbacks they had at the end of last season were apparently dead.

24.  Steelers - Dont'a Hightower, LB, Alabama:  I don't know anything about Hightower other than, if he plays defense and the Steelers are drafting him, he must know how to deliver a cheap shot.  Speaking of the Steelers and cheap shots, on March 20th, Satan's favorite player retired.  On March 22nd, God's favorite player was traded to a team that plays at the center of the media universe where he will become the starter and be loved by all.**  The forces of good are clearly winning.  Suck on that Mayans!

Not a good sign when Clarence Beeks
announces your name at the draft.
25.  Broncos - Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor:  Sometimes it truly is better to be lucky than good. If the draft plays out this way, Justin Blackmon will spend his first three years being thrown to by whatever half-assed quarterback situation the Browns come up with followed by him selling his Rouchefoucald watch to a Cleveland pawn broker while Kendall Wright is catching 80 passes a year and eating Foie Gras.

26.  Texans - Whitney Mercilus, LB, Illinois:  He has all of the physical tools to be dominant but the big question on him coming out of college is whether his bad ass last name will be enough to counter his feminine leaning first name.  I guess if former Patriots' defensive back Richard Felt could make it, then Whitney should be OK.      

"Yeah I can't be 'Head Coach'
but no one said anything about
'Director of Player Movement.'" 
27.  Patriots (from the Saints) - Kendall Reyes, DT, UConn:  As if draft day wasn't going to be miserable enough for Saints fans having lost their second round pick, they also have to watch Special Agent Belichick use their first round pick. The only guy who doesn't seem to be taking this bounty thing seriously is Sean Payton who is serving as interim general manager trying to hire Bill Parcells before he settles into a lucrative studio gig with Fox or CBS.  Nobody's thumbed his nose at a suspension this brazenly since Ace Rothstein.            

28.  Packers - Andre Branch, DE, Clemson:  If you're in advertising and you try to make something funny like the Discount Double Check commercials and they turn out to be so painful to watch that they actually gain a second life as a parody of themselves thereby gaining more exposure for the product than you ever imagined (or deserved), do you get promoted or demoted?  

29.  Ravens - Peter Kronz, C, Wisconsin:  The Ravens resigned 35 year old center Matt Birk who is arguably one of the finest and most well educated men playing in the NFL but unfortunately those attributes didn't keep opposing defensive tackles from caving in the middle of the Ravens' line last year.  In the words of former Kentucky forward Demarcus Cousins before hammering academically superior Cornell in the 2010 NCAA Tournament, "it's not a spelling bee."  

"I went 13-3 with Alex Smith and you
ask me if I have a God complex.  Let
me tell you something. I am God."
30.  49ers - Coby Fleener, TE, Stanford:  A great way to measure the level of arrogance in a young NFL coach is by how many of his former college players he drafts (a/k/a "The Spurrier Meter") so this pick feels about right.  By the way, if you didn't see the transcript of the Harbaugh-Manning recruitment meeting, here it is:

Manning: "Let's start with the play calling."

Harbaugh: "I'll be calling all of the plays."

Manning: (Standing up and extending his hand) "Thanks for your time."

31.  Patriots - David Wilson, RB, Virginia Tech: The Patriots have been one big play receiver and a couple of cornerbacks away from winning at least two more Super Bowls in the Tom Brady era but they've only taken one player at either of those positions in the last ten years and they'll probably go a different direction again this year just so Belichick can spite the draft experts in the spirit of former Colts GM Bill Tobin. (Mel Blasts the Colts - wait for the 2:00 mark. . .  Tobin Blasts Kiper - this is worth it just for the classic Sportcenter footage and Olberman's mustache).   

32.  Giants - Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford: There will undoubtedly be at least one Giants fan who thinks Tom Coughlin should get fired for making this pick.     

Endnotes

* After one of the most uneventful tournaments in recent memory, I'll be happy tonight if the refs have one shining moment.

**And on March 27th, God's linebacker gave the pregame speech that propelled Stanford to the NIT Championship (Ray Lewis is Pissed Off for Greatness).  Please tell me Ray didn't call every coach in the NCAA Tournament before weaseling his way into an NIT locker room.